


Bent But Never Broken

by PerfectlyHopeless



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: AU-High School, AU-boarding school, Armin is the gay best friend, F/F, Fem!Marco, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD, Slow Build, Tags will be added as this thing progresses, fem!Jean, genderbent, just had to throw that in there, some underage stuff but it's not that prominent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-03
Updated: 2014-11-25
Packaged: 2018-02-07 05:59:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 55,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1887582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PerfectlyHopeless/pseuds/PerfectlyHopeless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeanna Kirschtien doesn't normally care for people. Never has. Which means she was anything but thrilled when her parents forced her into a relationship with a guy that's the oil to her water, and discovered her enemy from middle school is in her first period class.</p><p>That girl with the freckles is pretty cool though, despite everything. But just as soon as the friendship starts to take off, other things start to get in the way. Including feelings Jeanna never thought she could feel before.</p><p>(The 'Jean' point of view that directly parallels the events in my fic Don't Say Fine)<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Day Fuck Ups

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title says it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! It's me, Hopeless! Welcome to "Jean's" point of view. This work will directly parallel _Don't Say Fine_ (the chapters match up pretty equally, except with a different perspective. For those too lazy to go looking for "Marco's" PoV, you can just [click this link](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1585286/chapters/3368354). Have fun with that. 
> 
> I'm normally infamous for lengthy notes, but I'll let you carry on for now. Until the end~
> 
> EDIT: AGH! I'm so stupid! I didn't copy-paste all of the fic before publishing! I'm so sorry, but I fixed it!

* * *

 

_Fucking school. Fucking paper work! And is that bitch actually laughing at me!? No? Oh, okay then._

To say I was pissed off would be an understatement. After three years we finally moved back to Trost and the first thing they do is arrange to have me shipped off to this shit school. And then the transfer requests didn’t go through properly, which is why I was griping to myself as I wrestled with a fuck-ton of papers. They’d dropped me off at like four in the morning. The fucking office wasn’t even open at that point, so I ended up having to wait outside the school until opened, show them the paper work so I could get my room key, and then walk all the way up to the fourth floor of a building half a mile away from the school just so I could drop my shit off.

“Fucking hell,” I griped, trying to balance papers with my coffee cup. Oh yeah, I also hadn’t had a chance to drink my morning caffeine properly either. So yeah. I was in a shit mood.

I continued to complain silently to myself as I made it to my first period class, History with some teacher known as Mr. Berner. And just my luck, Eren Fucking Jaeger from middle school was here too. The kid whose nose I nearly broke. He’d never let that go either, even though it was him who had instigated the fight. His friends had to be the ones to tear us apart, mainly because I didn’t have any real friends. I remembered Armin grabbing me by my arms while Eren’s sister, Mikasa, latched onto him. The moment I walked in the room, I wanted to finish what he’d started almost four years ago when we first met.

Instead I took my seat. I’d deal with him later if I really had to.

 _What the hell did I do to deserve this shit?_ I griped to myself, sipping at my coffee. Already it was starting to get cold and I groaned a little at my misfortune.

The rest of the day carried on like that as well. According to the schedule that the school had given me my third period class was supposed to be on the third floor, but when I got there they told me there had been a mix up and that the class I was actually in was all the way back down on the first floor. Fuck.

I ended up running as fast as I could, cursing the whole way, to try and make it to the class before the bell rang.

 _Fuck fuck fuck FUCK!_ I screamed mentally as I practically flew down the stairs. Seriously, I was tempted to hop up on the railing and just slide the whole way down. But the last thing I needed was to get a detention on my first day here.

 _The room number was 1314 right?_ I saw the numbers on the wall and turned as the bell rang, my converse screeching against the tile as I avoided crashing into a wall of lockers.

At last I found the door and rushed in. It slammed into the wall and I skidded to a stop.

_Good job Kirschtien! Record time there!_

“I’m here!” I announced, sucking in a breath as the adrenaline caught up to me. My gaze shifted as I looked over the class. They were all staring at me, though I couldn’t blame them given the state I was in. A girl with freckles all over her face was staring at my shoulders, her gaze meeting mine briefly, and I realized that both my bra straps and my tank top had fallen.

I cleared my throat as I stood straighter, tugging at my straps. “My name is Jeanna Kirschtien, I should be in this class.”

_Please please PLEASE let this be the right classroom!_

The teacher smiled at me and pushed her glasses up her nose as she nodded at her roster. “The counselor mentioned a new student. Jeanna…”

Ugh. I cringed at the way she butchered my name, making it sound more like “Jenna” instead of pronouncing the ‘J’ softly. I didn’t bother correcting her though. I didn’t have enough energy for that.

“Take a seat there for now, and we’ll start the lesson soon.” My gaze followed her finger to a seat in the front row. Most people hated being in the front, but for me it just meant that it’d be easier to see everything. My prescription was getting old, so my contacts weren’t as effective. They were the kind that were good for 30 days as long as you didn’t sleep in them, and over the summer I hadn’t bothered wearing them. So I knew that my glasses worked well, but they were thick rimmed and made me look like a hipster. Just the thought was enough to get on my nerves.

I sat down and breathed deeply again, letting my backpack fall to the ground so I could unpack. Once everything was situated, I took to fixing my hair. The undercut made it easier to manage and showed off my weird hair (I swear to you, I’ve never once dyed my hair. It just gets lighter as it grows). The downside was that it looked ridiculous when my ponytail/bun/whatever got fucked up or loose.

Science had never been my forte, but I managed to copy down all the notes in record time, even having enough extra to listen as Ms. Hanji went over the work for those that didn’t get it.

You know how your first day of school you feel like you can do anything and you manage to focus perfectly and you tell yourself ‘I bet I can keep this up all year! I won’t be a failure!’ and you lull yourself into a false sense of security? But after the first few days it flops and after a couple days you end up losing all that prior motivation? Yeah. That’s what happens on a regular basis for me. Every. Fucking. Year.

It didn’t help that I kept getting this weird chill. Almost as though I was being watched, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary as far as I could tell. After a while I just ignored it and everything seem normal.

Luckily, the rest of the day went off without a hitch. I made it to all of my classes, found a comfy corner in the cafeteria that hadn’t been taken, and managed to not get detention. Yay me.

I do mean the rest of the school day, though, because my parents had arranged for me to meet up with the school’s counselor after school. A way of making sure that I was doing fine, as much as I hate that word. They didn’t seem to understand that there was nothing wrong with me. Nothing. No depression, no learning issues, and nothing had happened that could’ve possibly traumatized me. Absolutely _nothing_. I’d looked up all these things online, and not a single one applied to me.

My multitude of piercings as well as my love of dark colors and punk music seemed to tell them otherwise, however.

 _Damn rich people. Yeah, I’m rich too. But it’s not like I asked for privilege,_ I thought bitterly as I sat in the student services office. My leg bounced up and down as I messed around on my phone. Downloading piano tiles was either a terrific idea or one of my worst ones yet. I’d had to delete Flappy Bird because that shit was just too fucked up. Downloading that shit was definitely one of my worst ideas yet.

“Jenna Kirschtien?” the office lady asked. My thumb hit a white tile as I cringed, bringing that round’s score to a whopping 73 tiles.

_Again with the hard ‘J’s. It’s not that fucking difficult._

I looked up and hit the lock key on my phone, stuffing it into the pocket of my shorts. It only fit about halfway, thanks to people thinking girls don’t like deep pockets.

“Uh, yeah?” I said, lifting my backpack up and slinging it over my shoulder.

“Mr. Smith is waiting for you,” she said. “His office is at the end up the hall, you can’t miss it.”

I nodded a thank you to her, even though I didn’t really mean it, and made my way down the hall. A huff escaped from my lips when I saw the name ‘Smith’ in blocky office letters on the door in front of me.

“Here we go,” I breathed, knocking gently on the door.

A muffled “come in” prompted me to open the door. I smirked when I saw the guy behind the desk.

“Nice hair,” I said, nodding. This got a smile out of him.

_Score one for me!_

“Likewise,” he said leaning forward. I couldn’t stop staring at his weird undercut. On me it seemed to work (though I’m biased). On him, it looked more or less goofy. “Please, Jeanna. Sit.”

I blew out a sigh of relief. “Finally! Someone gets my name right!” I said, closing the door as I dropped my backpack beside the chair. “So how’s this gonna work? I tell you how my first day went and you relay that back to my folks? Sorry for wasting your time, dude.”

He just looked at me with this weird half smile and I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. To be honest, it was more than just a little bit unsettling. He looked at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to say something. After what felt like an uncomfortable hour (in reality it was maybe 30 seconds to a minute), he leaned back and said, “So how are you?”

Uh, okay then. Here we go.

“I, uh… I’m good, I guess,” I said finally, shifting and tugging at my straps.

He quirked a brow at this. “You guess?”

“Well, yeah. It was just a regular, boring school day. Went to class, ate lunch, went to class again, came here. That’s basically all that happened.” I started tugging at my ear, letting my fingers absentmindedly play with the hoops and charms.

“Did you talk to any of the students? Make friends?” Mr. Smith asked.

I couldn’t help but stare at him as though he was crazy. “It’s my first day back in Trost in practically three plus years,” I stated, dumbfounded by his odd question. “I mean, I know some people from before but it’s not like I talked to them.”

A scowl tried to my face when I remembered that Eren was in my history class. His friend Armin, who I noticed was in chem with me, was fine. In fact, I found the kid to be pretty cool despite his acquaintance with my enemy. There was also Sasha and Connie, two dorks I knew from middle school who were now in my Foods class. They were practically glued at the hip and even back in middle school I had no clue why they weren’t an official couple.

The rest of my meeting with the counselor was boring and it moved at a snail’s pace. I wanted nothing more than to get out of there, get food, then return to my empty dorm were I’d be free to pass out and take a nap. I’d deal with homework later.

While I wasn’t the most sociable person around, I also wasn’t deaf. I’d heard from kids at lunch say that they got food from downtown when it came time for dinner, and food definitely sounded appealing at right then.

I was rather impressed with the set-up of this part of Trost. The main city was about half an hour or so away, and my ‘home’ inside it. This part, however, was nice. Now that I wasn’t frazzled about getting to school, I was actually fond of the distance between the school and the dormitories. At the entrance to the school there were two ways to go: to the left would take you home, and to the right would pull you downtown. Downtown was where all the shops and restaurants were available in a compact area. It was a nice change from the last school like this I’d been forced into, where there was nothing for miles and you were forced to go to the campus for dinner.

My brows furrowed when I noticed Sasha running across a street, her target an unsuspecting pizza joint. Though, considering how far into the semester we were, I assumed that they’d already met with her long before.

The friend she’d seemed to leave behind looked familiar, and I watched as she walked into a restaurant.

_Might as well go in too, I don’t anything around here._

Adjusting my straps and my backpack, I made my way down the street and into what seemed to be a burger joint. To be completely honest, I’d never had food like this. I knew of it from TV and movies. My last school was on a weird health kick so everything was organic (I hadn’t eaten a French fry in nearly three years) and before my folks had looked down on fast food.

I blew out a puff of air and folded my arms over my chest. My gaze went from the girl in front of me to the menu board and then back.

_She won’t mind if I ask her about this place, right?_

Clearing my throat, I picked out the only distinguishing feature about her and said, “Hey Freckles.”

She seemed to have heard me, but obviously didn’t know that I was talking to her. I tapped her shoulder to get her attention. The kid went stiff for a moment before turning to face me. She was kinda adorable, with a round-ish face and more freckles than I could count. Her brown eyes reminded me of a puppy.

“Uh, hello?” she said, unsure of how to react to me it seemed.

“Yeah, hi,” I said with a little more force than intended. My gaze shifted to the menu. “I’ve never been here before, so what should I get?”

Freckles’s face pulled up into a grin. “Chili fries,” she said almost automatically.

I reeled back slightly at the unfamiliar words. “What the fuck is that?”

Freckles stared at me in disbelief. “You’ve never heard of chili fries?” My silence prompted her mouth to fall open. “What kinda rock have you been living under?”

My fingers started tugging at the end of my ponytail, which I had flopped over my shoulder. Okay, that was a bit unfair. It’s not like it was my fault.

“Hey, no worries,” she said after a moment, offering me a smile. “If you want, you can share mine? One portion is kinda big and I’m not that hungry.”

Wait, what? Was this reality? What kinda person offers food to a person they don’t even know?

I made an effort to point this out. “I don’t even know you,” I said, still trying to figure her out.

She continued to smile. “You’re in my chemistry class, so let’s just call it getting to know our classmates.”

_Huh? We have a class together?_

I started to wrack my brain, going through the faces I’d seen. And then it hit me…

My eyes grew wide and I snapped as I remembered. When I barged in someone in the third row had hit the tables, mostly likely out from surprise. “Oh yeah! You’re the kid I nearly gave a heart attack.”

Her face flushed a little when I said this and she tried to hide behind her hair as she went up to the counter to pick up her order, mumbling a little along the way.

Pushing my bangs away, I got closer to the food on her tray. “That’s, um…” I didn’t know what to say, because it looked horrible but at the same time it smelled amazing.

Freckles laughed at me. “I believe the word you’re looking for is ‘awesome’,” she joked, picking up plastic utensils as she led me to a booth in the back corner. She handed me a fork and slid into the booth.

I stared at the fork before sliding in across from her, pulling my backpack off of my shoulders. “You’re way too nice.”

She’d been tapping on top of her soda can when I said that, my words causing her actions to falter. Her brows furrowed as she looked up to meet my gaze. “Um, sorry…?”

My breath caught in my throat, leaving me choking on unspoken words. I could feel my face warm up. “I... No, that's not a bad thing. It's just that you're an unnamed classmate of mine that's feeding me on my first day here."

She resumed her tapping and smiled at me. "I'm Marcy. You're Jeanna, yes?” she said. The relief I felt when I heard her pronounce my name was unexplainable. It sounded so nice coming from her.

I nodded in response as my focus turned to the plastic utensil in my hand. The snap of her can opening broke the silence that had started to form between us.

“Fries with a fork,” I thought out loud, still confused about what I was supposed to do. “This is bizarre.”

Freckles… Sorry. Marcy laughed at me when I said this. “Hahaha! Well, at least you've heard of fries,” she teased, looking at me with her head tilted a little so that her hair fell around her shoulders and allowing her freckled face to beam at me.

 _You are an adorable human being, how are you even real?_ I thought as I sneered at her. It faded quickly, however. The universe wouldn’t let me be mad at this one, it seemed.

“So…” I started, staring at the fries again. “How do I eat this?”

Marcy started to tremble from contained laughter, and her face turned red as she held her breath. My eyes narrowed at her and I made a threatening gesture with my fork. Marcy put her hands up in surrender, the laughter she’d been trying so hard to contain falling from her lips. I maintained the glare as she struggled to catch her breath.

“Like this,” she said. She held up her fork so I could see it and stabbed into the center, shoveling out a pile of drippy, meat and cheese covered fries. She stuffed it in her face and nodded to me.

“Seriously? That’s it?”

She nearly choked on her fries, holding back laughter as she smirked at me. "Dude, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to eat chili fries."

My face pinched when she said this. Again, it wasn’t my fault. But I mimicked her actions, stabbing into the food and staring at it before forcing it into my mouth.

It was quite honestly the weirdest yet greatest thing that I had ever tasted.

“Dude, this is awesome!” I said, stabbing into more. My lips pulled into a smirk as I stared at the fries threatening to fall off of my fork. “Heh, my parents would shit bricks if they saw me eating this."

“Oh really?” Marcy asked, dropping her fork to fiddle with her drink. She’d stuck a straw into her can and her head tilted while she sucked on it. "How so?” she said after a moment, relaying back to my comment. “Traditional rich people types?"

“Yeah, something like that,” I huffed, stabbing at the fries with a little more force than necessary. "My dad's from a rich German family and my mother is French. No clue how they met, I really don't care. But they're obsessed with their image back home. They resent me for my hair style and for piercing my ears so many times."

"I'm surprised you didn't pierce your face," she commented, resuming her sucking.

I scoffed at this and my face pinched at the thought of having metal in my normal facial features. I actually liked my face, thank you.

"Fuck that noise,” I said, continuing to stab at the fries. “I'm keeping my self-mutilation down to my ears. Brows, nose, or lips would be so fucking annoying."

She smirked at me and ate some of the fries before going back to her drink. I kinda felt bad for eating so much of her food, despite the fact that she’d offered.

“But yeah…” I started again, feeling incredibly comfortable around this chick. "My folks sent me here 'cause they thought it would 'straighten me out'. The paperwork got lost in the mail so I got here over a month late."

I don’t know why I was talking to her about stuff like this when I’d just spent over an hour rambling to a counselor. I guess it was because she wasn’t a counselor. She was just another student like me.

“That’s surprising,” she said. "The school's pretty strict about stuff like that, despite how laid back it is."

Aha! I wasn’t the only one that noticed how weird this school is!

"I know, right?” I said, probably with a bit too much enthusiasm. “My folks are loaded, though, so with a donation of I-don't-wanna-know-how-much I was added to the roster. My room's a single, though, since the room-mates have already been divided out."

Marcy groaned a little at this, making me smile. “Lucky, I’m stuck with a starving slob.”

It suddenly occurred to me that Marcy was most likely the person Sasha had been walking with until she ran away to get pizza.

“You mean Sasha?” I asked. She stiffened a little, nodding. My face pinched when I thought about the mess she and Connie had made in class. "Yeah. She's in my Foods class."

Marcy’s face paled a little bit, as though she were trying to imagine what her roommate had done. “I’m not gonna ask,” she groaned, leaning into the table.

Seeing her like that was just too adorable. She was like a small animal, but she was taller than me by a couple inches. I laughed at her reaction and stabbed at the fries again. She shot back up and stared at me with wide eyes.

My brows furrowed. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

“You laughed,” she said as though it were the most interesting thing in the world, a smile tugging her mouth open.

I could feel my face flush when I realized what had happened. My day had been such shit until now that I’d barely smiled any real smiles up until now. I licked at my lips and shrugged a little. “Yeah, I don’t do that a whole lot…”              

“You should try,” she said, smiling at me. Her head was still slightly tilted.

_How the hell are you real? You’re so nice, you’ve brightened my day in a matter of minutes!_

I didn’t have a chance to voice these thoughts. My phone went off, loudly. Apparently I hadn’t turned the volume down. It sure made Marcy react. The poor kid nearly jumped out of her seat when the chime went off.

“Ease up Freckles, it’s just my phone,” I said, my expression contorting into a look of confusion. I reached into my pocket and scowled at the name on the front.

_Fucking hell. Why you? I was having such a nice moment and you had to go and kill it!_

My parents had set me up with a kid of one of their co-workers, a lanky boy called Jason. The kid was a bit shorter than me, had dirty blonde hair, and wore glasses that made him look a bit like Harry Potter with a bad bleach job. To top it all off I didn’t care for his existence. Energy, and all that if it makes sense. We didn’t mix well and didn’t like any of the same things (he preferred DC over Marvel. Unless it’s the attractive Oliver Queen on the TV show, I don’t give a flying fuck about anything else DC puts out).

“Sorry Freckles, my boyfriend back home is being clingy,” I said. I hated referring to him like that.

“That’s fine,” she said. I cringed internally at _that_ _word_. I absolutely hated the word ‘fine’, because eight out of approximately ten times it’s used as an adjective for something completely the opposite of actual fine.

“If you’re leaving, do you want this?” Marcy gestured to the half-eaten fries. My eyes widened a little. “I'm not that hungry, and I'm afraid of what'll happen if I take them home to Sasha."

I smirked at that. The fries would probably end up in my room’s mini fridge to be eaten later tonight or maybe tomorrow for lunch.

“Yeah, sure,” I said finally. “Thanks.”

Marcy gave me a crooked smile, one corner of her mouth turning up while the other stayed lower. I fiddled with my phone, typing out a hasty response to Jason as I dumped the fries into a to-go box. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed her watching me and I smiled over my shoulder at her.

It was a bitter-sweet way to end the day. On one hand it seemed as though I’d found someone with the potential to be a pretty good friend. On the other, even across the city Jason’s existence still managed to bug the hell out of me. But I’d deal with that later. For now, I had a month’s worth of school work to catch up on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was is any good? To be honest, I used to think Marcy was easier to write from because of the whole unrequited love thing that isn't prominent from this side (duh). But with Jeanna I can just write and allow all the snappy comments to come by. This chapter is actually longer than Marcy's, which is kinda amazing. 
> 
> Anyways, I'd appreciate any comments or kudos you feel like leaving. If you have any questions, I do have a [ tumblr](http://hopeless-alchemist.tumblr.com/), so please. Feel free to bother me. It's summer, I have no life.
> 
> Also! Before you go, please note that this might not update for a while. _Don't Say Fine _is still my main fic atm, but I've also been toying around with a non-OTP oriented steampunk AU (would any of you read that? there'll be a bit of jeanmarco, mikannie, and eremin though it won't be the focus).__
> 
>  
> 
> _  
> _I shall let you go now. Thank you for reading and I hope to see you in the future, be it on tumblr, here, or on _Don't Say Fine _.____  
>   
> 
> _  
> _  
> _  
> _Take care loves <3____
> 
>  


	2. There's Nothing 'Fine' Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A storm only causes the bonds between them to grow stronger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello~ Me again, obviously. Welcome to the next chapter! Sorry it took so long. I'm currently actively working on three fics: this, _Don't Say Fine_ , and my steampunk AU _Clockwork Hearts_. I'm rather proud of all of them . _Don't Say Fine_ should be updating either much later tonight or possibly tomorrow, and _Clockwork Hearts_ will likely update within the next few days. So there's that to look forward to. 
> 
> One more thing before you go, [my tumblr](http://hopeless-alchemist.tumblr.com/). Please come visit me? I love messages and being bothered, no sarcasm implied. 
> 
> Well, that is all. As usual this correlates with chapter 2 of it's sister fic, located [here.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1585286/chapters/3449846)

* * *

 

As much as I’d wanted to hang out with Marcy throughout the remainder of that week, that proved to be a fruitless effort. Mr. Smith had pulled me back into his office after school on Tuesday and Thursday as a way of “checking on me”. I didn’t get it, but I did what seemed to be expected of me.

It didn’t help that as a way of “getting me caught up” my teachers had decided that long sessions after school would be the best way to take care of any issues I might have had. The thing is that while some of my teachers were great, like Ms. Hanji who was incredibly helpful and hands on, there were other teachers like Levi.

I’ve asked around. None of the students know his last name, and even the staff simply calls him ‘Levi’. He was a runt, like about five foot three. Maybe, I might be giving him a bit too much credit. But he’s also monotone and terrifying. Well… _I_ found him terrifying, at least, but I’m also the kind of person that can’t watch Coraline alone (in my defense that is a fucked up movie). I was too afraid to even _ask_ this teacher for help, so I ended up begging Armin for help Wednesday when I saw him in chem. He wasn’t in my class, but Levi was one of the only teachers willing to teach English III. Luckily Armin and I still retained some of the middle school friendliness towards each other and I made sure to repay him by treating him with a stack of books he requested. The smile on his face and the B+ on the make-up work I turned in on Friday were well worth it.

Friday was a busy day. My first few classes went by easily, but then I got to chemistry and I froze. There were a ton of kids missing thanks to the sickness that was going around, and my table partner was absent. Hanji had passed out packets of work for us to do while she left the room, and things went from bad to worse.

With a teacher in the classroom there’s at least a small part of me thinking ‘Okay, I can ask for help if I need it’, and reverse-psychology or whatever gets me to focus and I do pretty well. Without the teacher…  well… not so much… It left me craning my neck to look at the massive Periodic Table on the wall while I chewed on my pen. Because of course it was today that I’d left my notes and pencil at home. I mean my dorm... Whatever.

 _Fuck me,_ I thought with a groan. My left ear was starting to feel sore and I finally noticed that I’d been tugging on my hoops just a bit too hard. Several of the piercings were still too new for me to be doing that. Oops.

I lowered my hand and stuck the back end of my pen back in between my teeth, looking around for anyone that could help. Lo and behold, the fry sharing saint two rows behind me was without her table partner. I whispered to get her attention until finally she met my gaze. The brown puppy eyes met my gaze and I pointed to the packet in front of me, giving her the most pitiful look I could muster. Which, at that moment, wasn’t too hard.

The corner of her mouth quirked up slightly and she gathered up her stuff, walking across the room to take the place of my missing tablemate.

“I’m so lost on this right now it’s not even funny,” I whimpered, my fingers catching on hoops and hanging. My gaze briefly travelled to the packet and I stuck the pen back into my mouth, nom-ing on it.

“Ah geez,” she said, shaking her head slightly. “Here, give me your pen.”

I was reluctant to give it up, mainly because I’d chewed the fuck out of the thing so it wasn’t exactly sanitary. But I handed it to her nonetheless. She took hold of the end I hadn’t chewed on and stood, her eyes scanning the room.

“Uh, Freckles…?” I started, staring with furrowed brows. “What are you- hey!”

The ‘Freckled Saint’ turned out to be anything but. She threw my pen across the room and it landed into the trash can by the door. She had a satisfied expression on her face as she sat down. A scowl crossed my face and I lashed out, grabbing the front of her red t-shirt and twisting it so that she had to face me.

“Dude, what the fuck!?” I half-yelled, keeping my voice low because there were others around. My grip on her shirt tightened as irritation started to take over. “That was my only pen!”

The expression on Marcy’s face went neutral, her eyes no longer wide as she stared me down. “Jean, calm down.”

My breath caught in my chest, because the only time I could recall being called that was in a weird dream I’d had months ago…

“ _Jean!?_ ” I said, my mouth falling in disbelief. “What the fuck!? That’s a guy’s name!”

“Fine. _Jeanna_ , calm down.” She pronounced it perfectly, and I still liked the way it sounded when she said it. I allowed my eyes to close as I inhaled. Marcy reached up to pry my hands off of her shirt and patted the top of my head, making my face pinch as I tried to figure her out.

Just as calm as ever, she reached into her bag and pulled out a mechanical pencil. The eraser barely had any wear to it and the clip was still intact. Things that never happened for me, if my pen nom-ing was something to go from.

 "Use this, you big goof,” she said, handing it to me. “You're gonna end up scribbling all over your paper if you don't have an eraser."

 _You’re a perfect person. Aren’t you?_ I thought as I took the pencil. It took a lot of restraint to keep from sticking it in my mouth. Sticking it behind my ear for a moment, I pulled out a couple sheets of loose leaf and shifted in my chair so that I was facing more towards her.

My affection towards this freckle face was increasing by the second. Her presence rubbed away my frustration and she was a pretty decent tutor. I was relieved when Hanji didn’t make her return to her seat. By the end of the class period I was comfortable enough, though still not terrific, at equating bonds between chemicals.

The bell signaling the end of class chimed loudly, causing Marcy to jump a foot in the air. Her eyes were wide and her breathing had gotten pretty rapid. I reached out and put a hand on her shoulder, a pointless attempt at getting her to calm down.

“Jeez, Freckles,” I commented, looking her over. I was briefly reminded of the way she freaked out on Monday when my phone went off. “You’re really jumpy, aren’t you?”

Marcy’s face flushed, likely out of embarrassment, and she pushed me off as she busied herself with trying to pack up the papers. She seemed to be hiding behind her hair. It was somewhat reassuring to know that she wasn’t as perfect as I gave her credit for. “I, uh… Yeah, I guess,” she stammered, putting her binder into her backpack.

I leaned forward and tried to make eye contact. She kept trying to turn away, however. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she insisted, though the way she ended up squeaking on my most hated word only proved that ‘fine’ is too often used as an excuse. My eyes narrowed at this.

“You fucking liar,” I growled, backing off.

Marcy cleared her throat and pushed her hair aside. I could see that her face was still flushed.  "N-no, I am fine. Really. Loud noises like that have a tendency to screw me over, that's all."

That was intriguing. There was even more not perfect about her, but that did nothing to sway my opinion of her. “Oh really?” I asked. I felt my pony-tail thwap my shoulder as my head tilted involuntarily. “Any idea why?”

“Not really, no,” she said. My eyes narrowed at her. _Lies!_ “I’ve always hated thunder storms, but it got pretty bad about a year and a half ago.”

This was intriguing as well, seeing as she seemed to be speaking more freely now. “What happened then?” I asked, curious as I put my things away.

Marcy froze. And it wasn’t a normal kind of freeze, where you don’t know how to explain something and go stiff. It was a freeze that people do and they don’t even realize, as if there’s some weight on their shoulders that’s threatening to fall and their bodies that they’re trying to hold up.

And then she sighed, her gaze distant as she spoke in a low tone. “Something I don’t want to talk about.”           

The curiosity was getting to me now, but I’d already made her uncomfortable. It would be a bad idea to try and push her.

“Well, okay then,” I said finally, standing and walking out of the classroom with her. “I won’t ask unless you say something. But what are you doing after school? I’m still kinda confused and Hanji said to finish the packet for homework.”

I didn’t really need the help. I had a laptop, after all. It would be easy to look up how to do this shit. But I liked Marcy, even though I’d had a grand total of two real conversations with the girl; the first one-sided and the second about school work. She was the first person since Armin that didn’t piss me off just by existing.

“After?” she said, her brows furrowing again. “I normally go down to the music room after school. I play piano and it helps me calm down after a long day..."

“You play piano!?” I exclaimed. My jaw may or may not have been hanging open at that. Though in my defense, I was hopeless when it came to music. “Dude, that’s so cool. Can I come listen to you play!?”

Marcy reeled back slightly at my enthusiasm. “I… I guess?” she tried, tucking her thick brown hair behind her ears nervously. “Do you know where the music room is?”

“It’s in the basement, right?” She nodded in response. “Then I should be able to find it.”

She nodded and adjusted her backpack straps, a sigh falling from her lips as if there were something weighing her down still.

 _Is she okay?_ I wondered, looking at her from the corner of my eye. I was tempted to ask, but she started talking again before I had a chance to push my luck.

“You’re going to Foods next, right?” she asked, changing the subject easily. I nodded, amazed that she’d remembered a detail mentioned only in passing from like four days ago. "You won't have to worry about Sasha eating all your ingredients today. She's stuck in our dorm with the bug that's hitting everyone."

My eyes grew wide and I pulled back from her. “Dude, you might be carrying it!”

Marcy rolled her eyes and made a pinched expression at me before smirking. "I'm not sick, you goof. And I don't plan on getting sick anytime soon.”

“Ha!” I laughed, a grin tugging at my face. “You think that getting sick is an option!”

"Hey, if I'm carrying it then so are you,” Marcy stated, a devious smirk crossing her face, “considering how much time we spent next to each other in class."

_Damn it, I can’t get sick!_

I groaned rather loudly as my neck went limp, my chin falling to my collar. “Fuck you, Freckles.”

The moment I’d said that I started panicking a little. Would she be okay with my saying that? I was just joking…

“Why do you call me ‘Freckles’?” she asked, distracting me from my internal arguing.

“Hm?” I looked up, barely registering what she’d said. “Oh, it's just the first thing that comes to mind when I think of you. You've got 'em everywhere." For emphasis I reached up and poked her right cheek, my finger meeting with a group of freckles. Marcy’s face pinched slightly as she pulled back, laughing a little. That was a relief. I grinned at her and she seemed to relax.

We talked for a little longer, but eventually we had to part ways. I made my way to foods and just as she’d said, Sasha was missing. As was Connie, but I didn’t think much about it. Even more students were missing so the teacher, an old man called Pixis, simply let us socialize because without table partners we couldn’t do much.

At lunch I found the same corner that I’d been in all week, still trying to figure out the chemistry shit. After a couple more problems, however, I opted to put in my ear buds and just zone out while listening to Kellin Quinn and Vic Fuentes.

**-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-**

After school I ignored the fact that Mr. Smith had requested to see me again. I’d get yelled at for it later for sure, but for now I had to find the music room.

The school, despite being a private institution without a whole lot of students, was fucking huge. There was no reason why there were so many dorms, nor any reason why there were so many classrooms. It was as if they’d expected more, but I quickly gave up on trying to make any sense of this damned place.

_How many stairs does this place have? For crying out loud, it’s not fucking Hogwarts. This is so fucking stupid…_

I continued to gripe silently until I got to the bottom. I froze slightly, hearing the twinkly notes that could only come from a piano. It was like a music box.

“Marcy!” I shouted, my own voice echoing off of the walls. The twinkly song ended and I tried again. “Hey Freckles! You down here or what!?”

“I’m in here!” her already familiar voice called back. I smiled and started down the hall. Poking my head around a corner, I looked into the room to see Marcy staring pensively at the grand piano.

 _What a dork,_ I thought.

Stepping in, I dropped my bag down and sat beside her. She smiled at me.

“What were you playing when I walked in?” I asked, curious about the music box notes.

“A song,” she said, a smirk pulling at her face. My eyes widened slightly.

 _So she_ can _be cheeky,_ I thought.

“You dork,” I said instead leaning against her. I put my chin on her shoulder and sighed.

She pulled away rather quickly, her hair falling from behind her back and making a wall between me and her face.

_Shit, I went too far didn’t I? Dammit, Jeanna. Stop being touchy._

I cleared my throat and pulled at my straps. The grey tank top I was wearing had gotten stretched over the years that I’d had it and didn’t seem to enjoy staying in place anymore. “Aren’t you going to keep playing?” I asked her.

Marcy poked at the keys of the piano for a moment before shaking her head. "Let's just head over to your dorm now. Considering how horrible you did earlier, you're going to need some practice."

My face pinched into a grimace at this. _Was it really that bad?_

A small wave of irritation rushed over me and I ran my hand over the piano keys, forcing out a random mess of loud notes. “Yeah…” I said. “Good point.”

I slid across the bench and grabbed my bag, pulling only one strap onto my shoulder. Marcy grabbed her bag and stood up. We left the music room then, out paces matching well. The walk was uneventful, other than the fact that Marcy kept staring up at the sky, biting on her lower lip. I didn’t understand what was wrong at that point.

For whatever reason there were three dorm buildings. Maria, Rose, and Sina. I never understood the names, or the layout. They were co-ed and rather lenient thanks to a decent security camera set up. Kids would get in trouble if they didn’t meet the midnight curfew. There was a guard that patrolled the halls and you never knew when they would come by, and it kept boys and girls from sneaking into each other’s dorms and fucking.

Nearly eight flights of stairs later (they needed to fix that damn elevator), we made it up to my dorm. I fished around the pockets of my jeans searching for it. I let out a victory cheer when I finally got it out.

“If I left a mess, I’m sorry,” I warned upon finally finding it.

Marcy gave my shoulder a nudge. “Dude, do you remember who my roommate is?” she said.

I instantly remembered the massive mess Sasha had left in the kitchen and cringed. “Yeah, good point…”

She laughed at this. It was probably one of the most pleasant things I’d ever had the pleasure of hearing. “Just open the door,” she insisted.

Holding my breath, I stuck the key in and turned it, opening the door slowly. I reached out and flipped on the light switch, filling the room with light. My room wasn’t as bad as it had seemed when I was mostly asleep this morning. There was still a pile of clothes on the floor that had spilled from my suitcase, and I’d yet to actually bother trying to put my clothes away.

 _Oh well, I’ll get to that later,_ I reasoned, tossing my backpack on my bed and setting my key on my bedside table. “Come on in,” I told her. “Make yourself at home.”

Marcy nodded and stepped in, closing the door behind her. I watched from the corner of my eye as she dropped off her backpack and unstrapped her sandals, placing them by the desk. Her gaze wandered around my walls as she sat on my desk chair. I’d taped up several band posters and things I’d gotten from Google images.

“What if I told you that I’ve never heard any of these bands?” she asked.

I froze when she said this. People normally had heard of My Chemical Romance, or even Sleeping With Sirens. Even if you didn’t listen to the music you knew of them. When I realized she really hadn’t heard of them, my eyes widened and my jaw fell open slightly. “ _What if?_ ” I said carefully.

The freckle face shrugged a little, biting at her lower lip and hell if it wasn’t one of the cutest things in the world.

“Yeah,” she answered. “What would you do?”

“There’s a good chance I might kick you out into the rain,” I said, pulling my expression back into its neutral form.

_And I’m supposedly the one living under a rock?_

Marcy spun around on the chair, kicking at the floor to propel her around. “Well, I'm sorry I've been force fed classical and instrumental music all my life."

And then I made a command decision to do something that I’d done only a couple times before.

“Okay then,” I started, shoving my backpack onto the floor. “Screw the homework.” Kicking off my grey converse, I shoved the chair aside so that it went rolling to the other side of the room. A smile tugged at my face as I grabbed my laptop and came back around.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” she asked. I could hear nervousness in her tone.

 _How adorably innocent of you,_ I thought. “It’s a fantastic idea,” I argued, the mattress creaking under my weight. A grin tugged at my face as I logged in. My laptop was Windows 7, of course, because that mobile-on-a-laptop model Windows 8 is the dumbest shit in the universe. “Prepare for corruption, Marcella Bodt.”

Marcy’s face pinched in irritation. “Please don’t call me that,” she pleaded.

I ignored her for the most part. Logging into iTunes, I scrolled through the music until I found what it was I was looking for.

“Get over here, Marcy,” I ordered, patting the space on the bed beside me while a grin kept tugging at my face. The freckle-face obeyed, causing the bed to creak more. I reached under my pillow and found my earbuds. I handed her the squishy bits. “Here put these in.”

She put in the earbuds and stared at me expectantly. The grin pulled again.

“I’ll start you off with something tame. Give your poor ears time to get used to the style first."

The song I’d picked out was 'If It Means A Lot To You', by A Day To Remember. One of my personal favorites.

Watching Marce listen to music was like watching a child. At first she seemed uncertain, but as it kept going her face started to tug into a smile. At the chorus bit she grinned happily, and at some point her head fell on my shoulder. I noticed that she smelled a bit like a flower, and it was adorable.

“That was awesome,” she said, straightening up and fixing her hair.

I beamed at her for this, more than pleased that she liked the music. Grinning brightly, I tugged out my earbuds and started to go through the music library for more.

Music is my life. I don’t have any particularly useful talents and my interests are rather boring. My life is comprised mainly of just movies and Netflix. So when I’m able to share that it means a lot. Finding someone that’s able to look beyond the grey-scale and the screamers and see the meaning to it? It’s a special feeling. At a few points I’d gone with the music and started singing some of the lyrics, causing Marcy to laugh or giggle. It was nice.

At some point she started sitting backwards, lying on her back while she rested her legs up against my wall. I watched with interest as she pulled up her left hand, eye gaze shifting from the ceiling to look at her watch. Her face pinched.

“Agh,” she groaned, letting her arms fall so that they covered her face. "It's getting late and we haven't even started on homework."

I glanced at the time on my laptop. It was a little past seven.

_Oh well, I guess._

Closing my laptop, I put it to the side and lied down beside her, nudging her leg with mine. “I'm too music high to care about homework."

“That’s a thing, you know,” she said. My brows furrowed and I looked to my left as she brought her arms above her head. "The notes you hear cause chemical reactions in your brain that produce dopamines, so it literally is like getting a high."

 _That’s… actually really cool,_ I thought, staring at the ceiling. Unfortunately, a “huh” was all I could offer as a response.

_Good going Jeanna…_

The room was filled with a certain silence. It wasn’t awkward, per say. But it wasn’t normal either. Marcy was staring up at the ceiling, her gaze distant and her lower lip stuck between her teeth. At some point she started swearing. She didn’t think I could hear her, but I did.

“What is it?” I asked, propping myself on my elbows so I could look at her better. Her face paled when I said this.

“N-nothing,” she stammered. My eyes narrowed into a glare as she lied through her teeth. Marcy rolled off of the bed and stood up, making her way to the door. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” she said, almost unsure of herself.

She left before I could say anything, leaving me staring at the door. I blinked a few times as I processed this.

 _What the hell was that?_ I thought, shifting on my bed so that I was lying on my pillows. I pulled my phone from my pocket and started going through the music.

“Oh well,” I thought out loud, tapping an icon with my thumb. I noticed the time and made a note of it: 7:04.

Two songs later, my brows furrowed and I looked at my phone again. It was 7:16 and she still wasn’t back.

_I hope she’s okay… She did leave in a hurry._

After another song I started to get concerned. The grey clouds outside had started to make a lot of noise, the rain falling hard and heavy against my window. A flash of lightening provided extra light to my room and thunder cracked almost automatically, just as it had been doing for more than twenty minutes.

It was then that my brain started working, and I remembered the events that had transpired earlier.

_She’s so jumpy. And ‘I’ve always hated thunder storms’? Jeanna you idiot, why didn’t you see this coming sooner!?_

I swore under my breath and got up, slipping on a t-shirt that had fallen from my suitcase. I fell with a hard thump before scrambling up, stuffing the phone in my hand into my pocket.  

_Dammit Jeanna, get your shit together!_

Still cursing, I made my way to the door and down the hall. Luckily, the bathrooms weren’t that far.

The door opened easily and I poked my head around the corner, brows furrowing when I saw that all of the stalls were empty.

“Marcy!?” I called, coming in fully. “Are you okay? You didn’t get sick, did you?”

There was still mostly silence, but as soon as thunder cracked I heard a shriek and a whimper come from the shower side. It was the most pitiful sound in the world and honestly crushed my heart a little.

_Oh god, is it her!?_

I turned to the other side and started opening the curtains. Three stalls down I found her.

My jaw fell open at the sight of Marcy, the girl I’d been hailing as ‘perfect’, sitting on the bench, curled up into a ball with her knees pulled to her chest, arms locked securely around them, and her face pressed against her jeans.

“I-I’m fine,” she whispered, though it was more of a whimper. I was infuriated that she’d even tried to use that excuse against me again. That one little fucking word pissed me off so much, but I remained as calm as possible. She was already freaking out over whatever, I didn’t need to make it any worse.

“’Fine’ my ass, Marcy Bodt. You idiot, come here,” I scolded, stepping into the stall to try and pry her apart. I touched her gently, not wanting to make it worse. It was like she’d been using all of her strength to stay together, almost as though holding herself like this would keep her from falling apart. Once I’d gotten her arms apart she looked up at me. The sight of her red tear streaked face and her blood-shot eyes was enough to make my chest get tight. There was nothing ‘fine’ about any of this.

I took a moment and started fishing around in my pockets. I’d grabbed my phone and my earbuds before leaving. She looked at me in confusion as I put the earbuds in her ears. Marcy relaxed significantly when the music started, enough so that I was able to get her sniffling form up off of the bench.

Taking hold of her hands, I pulled her up and offered her a gentle smile. “Come on, Freckles,” I said, reaching up to wipe the tears off of her cheeks. Normally, I couldn’t handle it when people cried. But this was different. This was a friend that really needed me, even if our status as friends was still questionable. That didn’t matter anymore.

We walked back to my dorm and I took action. Quickly, I returned my laptop to my desk. I pulled the comforter up and wrapped it around her, guiding her to the bed where I locked her between me and the wall. Another crack of thunder echoed off the building and I heard that same pitched shriek as before. I held her close, letting her cry into my chest as my thumb brushed carefully over her shoulder.

At some point Marcy had calmed down enough so that she was able to sleep, doing so still pressed against me. I didn’t understand what was happening, but there was no need for that. Marcy was in need of someone that would be there for her. Some part of me felt proud that she’d allowed me to see this part of her, but the other part decided that that was just how life was. Maybe it was sheer coincidence that it was me comforting her instead of her roommate, but whatever had happened here we were. And I didn’t plan on letting her go anytime soon. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how was it? Those of you who've read the sister fic know exactly what's happening here. If you're new? That's okay. You'll find out eventually darlings.
> 
> Jeanna is actually pretty fun to write. I can curse rather freely and it won't seem OOC. I do hope that her other traits seem more in character. Girls are different from guys so there are going to be obvious differences between her and Jean in terms of certain personality traits, but at the same time I'm trying to keep in similarities so it doesn't get out of hand.
> 
> Please please _please_ leave a comment? I appreciate feedback and I want to know how I'm doing with Jeanna. 
> 
> Feedback requests taken care of, please come bother me on tumblr~ But if not, then I'll see you next time.  
> Take care <3


	3. Learn To Shut Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that they're friends, all Jeanna has to do is hold her tongue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello~ It's been a while, huh?  
> Life has been keeping me pretty occupied, as well as some personal issues, but I finally got around to finishing this chapter!   
> Also! Because _Don't Say Fine_ got over 1000 hits, I've given Hearts Do What They Want a tumblr tag. Well, two actually: fic: don't say fine (for that fic), and fic: hdwtw (for the series).
> 
> Anyways, I don't have much to say right now. So let's get on with it!
> 
> **Links**  
> [My tumblr.](http://hopeless-alchemist.tumblr.com/)  
> [Marcy's PoV for this chapter.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1585286/chapters/3540641)

* * *

 

 

The next morning I woke up in a shit mood.

It wasn’t because Marcy and I had gotten tangled the previous night. I didn’t think anything of it, honestly. She was actually kinda warm and cozy.

No. The shit mood was caused by the fact that Jason was calling again and stupid me had forgotten to turn the ringer off.

 _Fucking hell, what is his problem!?_ I screamed mentally, being careful so I didn’t wake Marcy. The girl slept like a rock, however, so it didn’t take much to pull her arms from around my waist.

“What the hell do you want?” I questioned, keeping my voice low.

He started yelling at me then, going off about how I needed to answer my phone more often and how I had to return his calls.

“I don’t live to please you,” I informed him, my eyes narrowing at a poster. I glared at it, part of me wishing I could burn it with my mind. At least then my frustration would be projected on something.

He didn’t like this very much and continued yelling. At some point I finally got sick of hearing his voice.

“Jay, would you fucking chill!?” I screamed, clamping my tongue between my teeth because even a rock couldn’t sleep through my outburst. It couldn’t be helped, however.

“Why the hell…!?” he started.

I cut him off instantly. “God dammit! Just let me explain! And stop yelling!  You’ll wake her up!”

“Her?” he pressed.

“Yes, I said ‘her’,” I said, a grimace tugging at my face.

“So you’re cheating on me… with a girl?”

_Cheating!? Are you fucking kidding me!?_

“A friend you idiot,” I growled, the quip about Marcy’s female-ness cast aside. Even if I was cheating, what the hell did her gender have to do with anything? “Nothing like that. You know I’m not like that.”

I could hear him hum against the mic, only furthering my annoyance.

“Look,” I continued, “she was having some issues and I was worried about her, so I had her sleep in my room last night!”

“Whatever,” he said upon having finally calmed down. I heard him sigh. “Look, sorry about yelling at you. Parents are getting on my nerves, didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

That was nothing new. The only similarity we had other than our short tempers was our hatred towards our folks. As much as he annoyed me, I honestly couldn’t blame him for that.

I hummed softly into the mic. “Yeah…”

“Again, sorry.” There was a moment of silence before what sounded like a choke. “Shit, my folks just got home. I’ll have to call you back.”

Rolling my eyes, I shifted where I stood and nodded. “M’kay.”

“Love you,” he tried, sarcasm falling from his tones. It was a joke but the words sounded too real.

Swallowing, I licked at my lips. “Yeah, l-... love you too..."

“Don’t have to sound so enthusiastic,” he drawled.

“Bye Jay,” I breathed, ending the call and tossing my phone into a pile of clothes. I started mumbling random curses as I tugged out my pony tail, letting my nearly-waist length hair loose. A sigh fell from my lips as I ran my fingers through my hair before forcing it into a messy half-bun. I’d deal with it later. My hands found their place on my hips as I turned to face the bed.

I froze when I saw Marcy, the little shit yawning as she looked up at me lazily.

“You’re awake,” I said, more or less just stating the obvious.

Marcy nodded and yawned again, sitting up in the bed before stretching her arms out over her head. She let out a little moan and said, “Yeah, I am.”

“For how long?” I inquired, licking at my lips again. “I didn’t wake you up while talking to Jason, did I?”

She sat there for a moment staring at me before she finally spoke. “Th-that was part of it, yeah. I woke up while you were shouting at him."

I groaned and pinched the bridge of my nose. _Fuck me,_ I thought, fingers moving to the back of my head so they could finger the shorter hairs. "Sorry, Marce. We tend to argue. Like, a lot. I... don't really understand why we're together."

“Then why are you?” she asked, tone gentle as though she didn’t want to provoke me.

My eyes closed for a moment as I gathered myself. "Because it's expected. It's 'normal'-“ I made air bunnies around that word, just thinking of it putting me in a bad mood. “-for people our age to be in romantic relationships? That, and our folks set us up. If I broke up with him then I'd have to deal with their questions." Biting at the inside of my cheek, I spoke as I pushed the chair back into place. “He's not a bad guy and he likes me, but we don't mix well. You know... Energy, and all that shit."

Marcy laughed lightly at this. “Sorry, I guess.”

I scoffed. "Meh, whatever." I ignored the irritation I was feeling and took a step forward, flopping onto my bed and burying my face into my pillow. My legs landed in her lap, but she didn’t seem to pay much attention to that.

 _I feel guilty. Like, I’m laying my personal issues on her,_ I thought with a huff.

_What was she doing last night?_

_That’s different, and it couldn’t be helped._

“Do you wanna go grab something for breakfast?” I asked into my pillow. I didn’t think she could hear me, but when she yawned and replied my worries rubbed away.

Nodding at her agreement, I turned over onto my back so I could face her. Her gaze seemed distant and tired. It was a different kind of tired than that of someone who’d just woken up. It was as if her whole being was tired. She glanced over at me, our gazes catching for a moment.

“Hey... you okay now?” I asked her gently.

Marcy went stiff and looked away. She cleared her throat and said, "Yeah, I'm fine..."

_Fuck that!_

“'Fine' is not a word I would use to describe you, Marcy. And stop saying 'fine', it's starting to piss me off." There was a slight pang of guilt that hit me when I saw the way she cringed when I said this, her teeth gnawing on her lower lip again. But I pressed further, “What was that?”

Marcy stared at her hands, her fingers lacing together. "You know how war vets often come back traumatized from what happened while they were overseas?"

Well that was… unexpected. I nodded and she breathed deeply, as if trying to regain some sense of calm. "It's called PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder, and it's not just for war vets. Anyone that's been through a traumatic event can develop it... A year and a half ago... nearly two... well... something happened to me…”

My eyes grew wide at this. _Oh fuck, I shouldn’t be doing this. I should not be doing this! Stop, please!_

She kept talking anyways, pausing to take a breath to try and calm down. Her voice shook as she spoke. "I-I don't really understand it, and I don't care to. I just know that loud noises like thunder, always thunder, or even when you slammed open the door. They prompt memories. Triggers them or something. I start panicking and I can't help it... i-it gets pretty bad..."

"No shit, I saw that last night," I said before I could stop myself. Again, I kicked myself when I saw the way she cringed.

_Fuck Jeanna, stop being such an insensitive asshole!_

I’d never been good with people, and the few that I’d ever cared about I’d ended up pushing away. I didn’t want to repeat that so I did the only thing I could think of.

A crooked smile planted itself across my face and I stretched out my arms. “Get over here you dork.”

Marcy stared at me weird, but it got her to release her lip. That was progress, but she wasn’t moving.

Huffing, I kept my arms out as I spoke. "Look, I'm not gonna bother asking what happened, 'cause I don't wanna see you cry again. Like, ever again. But I will be here for ya, okay? Now get over here. My arms are getting tired."

The smirk that was tugging at her lips finally pulled into a smile and she moved to lie beside me. My arms wrapped around her and she rested her head on my chest. We lied like that for a short while, Marcy gradually relaxed as my hand rubbed her back.

“You know what?” I started at some point, my gaze moving from the ceiling to Marcy when she sat up a bit. "Jason and I might not mix well, but you're pretty cool. Like, a potential best friend or whatever. I don't have many of those."

Marcy laughed lightly at this, something I took as her agreeing.

“So we’re friends?” she said, her voice turning up at the end to make it sound like a question.

“I guess so,” I answered.

She started to smile in a way that made me furrow my brows. "You know, friends buy friends breakfast. I paid for dinner the other night, so that means it's your turn."

_What!? I take back everything I said about this kid being a saint. She’s nothing more than an adorable little shit!_

A scowl crossed my lips as I shifted to lock my arms around her torso. Using pretty much all of my strength (because she while was in no way fat, she was built like the rock she slept as), I threw her over the side of my bed. She landed with a hard thump on the ground. “You little shit,” I complained as she met my gaze. I tried my hardest to keep the glare I had going, but I could feel the smile that was tugging at my lips. There was a devious glare in her eyes that concerned me. “Uh, Marce- woah!”

Before I even had a chance to react, Marcy reached up and snatched me off of the bed. Her arms clamped themselves around my torso as we fell to the floor, me on top of her.

“Marcy Bodt, let me go!” I cried out, struggling against her arms as she laughed her ass off.

“Are you buying?” she said easily.

Realizing I had no other choice, I accepted my fate. Going limp, I huffed and said, “Yeah, fine. Whatever."

She laughed at this, the pleasant sound filling my room as she released me. I shot her a glare, trying to be angry, but when she laughed again I relaxed.

“Come on, you dork,” I said, smiling at her as I stood. My bra wire stabbed against my extra flesh, causing my face to pinch. "First you make me sleep in my day clothes and bra, and now I'm buying you breakfast? Maybe I should rethink this whole 'friend' thing."

Marcy grimaced and I smirked as she grabbed at her shirt, fixing her own bra. The pinched expression she wore quickly turned into a grin. "You already agreed we're friends, so now you're stuck with me," she said, practically beaming at me.

My expression went dark and my eyes narrowed as I folded my arms over my chest. "I have a ton of pillows sitting right there, Marcy. Either we go get food, or I beat the freckles off of you with sacks full of polyfiber."

She laughed at this and I could tell she was considering it. Luckily she was smart. "I'll take the food,” she said, standing up.

_Do I even have enough money? I’ve got a card for Starbucks, so we could just go there. I wonder if Petra is still working the morning shifts or if she’s working a job today…_

With a sigh I opened up the front pouch of my backpack and pulled out my wallet. My parents had questioned why I’d gotten a wallet from the men’s section when I first got it, but I’d had the little leather trifold since I was 14 and it was still mostly in one piece.

I stuffed my feet into my low-tops and started for the door, watching as she reached for her sandals. "Come on, Freckles. Let's get something to eat."

Marcy continued to wear that adorable smile of hers as we left, and even after I started cursing loud enough for the whole building to hear. In my defense, the elevator was out of service and before my coffee things like that were enough to get on my nerves.

“We’re going to Starbucks,” I announced once we were met with the still damp sidewalk.

Luckily for me the Starbucks was right around the corner, and that fact had been what was keeping me awake during my morning classes. Just thinking about the possible consequences that could come from sleeping in Levi’s class was enough to scare the hell out of me.

One of my favorite smells is coffee, and walking into a Starbucks always smelled a little bit like heaven. Or what I thought heaven might smell like. In any case, the shop was covered in little black and orange decorations, reminding everyone that Halloween was at the end of the month.

"Morning Jeanna," the barista greeted. The familiar fair skin and ginger hair that belonged to Petra made my smile ease up a bit. She worked at the shop most of the time, but she also did work at the academy as a substitute teacher sometimes.

“Hi Petra,” I said, leaning against the counter as I stared at the menu. “Just the usual for me.” My gaze shifted to Marcy. “What do you want?”

Her face paled as she stared at the menu, as if it were intimidating her. “Uh… A grande hot chocolate and a blueberry muffin?"

Petra offered her a smile as she punched in the order. "Whipped cream?" she suggested.

Marcy returned the smile with one of her own, freckles pulling upwards. “Yes please.”

 _How can one person contain so much cute!?_ I thought, tugging my wallet out so I could pay. I slid the card and hit the buttons fast enough so that I didn’t have to see the price. Marcy was certainly trying to get a look, however.

"Rule of thumb whenever you go to a Starbucks," I started, a yawn cutting me off as I replaced the card. "Don't ask for the total price if possible." It was a rule for a rich kid, at least. When money was little to no object, spending it on expensive shit didn’t really matter.

Marcy still seemed confused. “Why?” she asked.

A smirk tugged at the corners of my lips. "And I'm the one living under a rock," I said, remembering what she’d said about me the first day that we’d met. "The items here are overpriced, but we pay for them anyway. Just knowing they're expensive is enough for me. All together a regular breakfast here costs a ton. I'd rather ignore how much I'm paying if possible, which is why they make gift cards."

Her expression still looked confused, but she nodded as though she understood. I took a seat at the nearest table, Marcy sitting across from me. Another yawn escaped and I sighed.

“So, Freckles,” I started, trying to meet her gaze. "I've told you a bit about myself, but I don't know much about you. How did you end up here?"

She frowned at this and shifted where she sat. "It's not really that interesting. I convinced my parents that I'd do well in a more independent environment, so they sent me here. And also because of Trost Uni. The high school and college are directly connected, so if I maintain my good grades then it should be a smooth transition from this to that, you know?"

“Hmm,” I hummed, thinking while Petra ground up coffee beans. She had a good point. I’d almost forgotten about the university, though from my point of view it just reminded me that my parents were already done with me.

"So what about your name?" I asked once the shop was quiet again. "Marcella? Where the hell did that come from?"

I only knew her full name because of Ms. Hanji. She insisted on calling everyone by their real names when calling role, but she still couldn’t (or wouldn’t) pronounce mine properly. I’d stopped correcting her after a couple days.

Marcy’s face pinched when I asked. "I'm mostly Italian on my mom's side, but there's a bit of UK from my dad. My mom got to choose my name. Again, never call me that."

A short laugh fell from my lips at this, making her smile bright.

“Jeanna!” Petra called out, properly pronouncing my name. I perked up at the sound of it, looking over. I moved to stand, but Marcy was ahead of me on that. She stood and went over to the counter, balancing our food in and on her arms.

A smirk crossed my face as I reached to take the food, setting it on the table. “You didn’t have to get all of it, you dork,” I teased, bringing my coffee to my lips and blowing into the lid to cool it off enough for me to take a sip. The hot, bitter liquid met my tongue and nearly burned it.

"You're tired and you paid, so I'm happy to bring it over,” she reasoned. Marcy gave me a smile and sipped at her hot chocolate.

_Note to self: Freckled Little Shit doesn’t like coffee but does like hot coco..._

We ate mostly in silence, me munching on a croissant while Marcy took massive bites out of her muffin. I noticed her look at her watch. She wore it strange, with the clock face resting on the inside of her wrist instead of the outside. Granted, it did seem more comfortable. Turning your wrist a little to check the time instead of moving your whole arm seemed more efficient a method. At least I thought so.

Eventually the silence got to be annoying. “So…” I started, thinking of something to say that wouldn’t make me sound completely stupid. “Your stuff is still in my room and we’ve yet to get any actual work done.”

Marcy’s face pinched as she slumped in her seat, groaning a little. “I’d rather do homework than have to face Sasha. She’s overprotective.”

“That’s not a bad thing,” I found myself saying. I looked her over, eyes flitting from freckle to freckle as I leaned on the table between us. "You've got a good bunch of friends. I've seen you and Armin working together in class, and the people you eat lunch with seem cool too. Other than Jaeger, that is."

_I really hope that doesn’t make me sound like a stalker._

She raised a brow at this. “You mean Eren? What of him?”

I gritted my teeth, my hands turning to fists as I thought about the kid and the fact I had to see him every day during the week. "The guy pisses me off!” I said. “He and I were in middle school together and now we're stuck in the same school again. We used to fight a lot, 'cause he kept calling me a tom-boy. I nearly broke his nose once."

_Why did I mention that part!?_

Her eyes widened and for whatever reason I thought that I might have scared her. Instead she just asked, “How old were you?”

Shrugging to hide my internal panic, I said, "I dunno, twelve? Thirteen maybe. It was before the move. I was a violent kid around him."

She shook her head, a smile tugging at her face. This made me smile. We’d been in close quarters with each other for like 18 hours and I still hadn’t scared her off. This was a new record for me!

For a while we kept talking. She inquired about what I meant when I said ‘move’, so I explained it for here. My folks’ business thing had dragged them to the other side of the country, and of course I was dragged as well. It was always hot and I hated it. While we were out there was when I’d first started the earring collection and getting more piercings.

In turn, she explained some things to me when I asked. Turns out Trost wasn’t Marcy’s first boarding school. For whatever reason, her parents kept jumping her around from school to school. They’d settled on Trost, however. Mainly because she had two years of high school left and the promise of college was good enough reason to keep her in one place.

The door to the shop slammed open, causing Marcy to jump and nearly topple over in her chair. I kept a close eye on her, but she didn’t seem to be reacting too badly.

“Marcy!” a familiar voice called out.

Marcy cringed and keeled over onto the table. “I could’ve sworn you were sick,” she grumbled as Sasha came over. She turned and rested sideways, her cheek smushed against the wood.

“I was,” Sasha said, folding her arms over her chest. “Where were you last night?”

“In my dorm, doing homework,” I said, glaring up at her. Sasha’s expression contorted.

“Huh?”

"We're in the same chemistry class, so we were doing work in my dorm last night," I said, lying easily. We’d been goofing off until Marcy snapped, but she didn’t have to know that.

"But if that's all, then why didn't you respond to any of my texts?" she asked.

Marcy sat up. “You texted me? I guess I had it on vibrate," she said, sounding like a perfect angel.

 _Liar! You’re phone went off just as many times as mine!_ I tried not to smile at this, which was hard as usual because it was her.

She clicked her phone on and I watched as her face paled, her thumb scrolling on forever.

"God dammit, Sasha!” she shouted. “You completely spammed my inbox!”

Sasha frowned. "Well, if you'd answered me, then I wouldn't have had to resort to that."

Marcy practically slammed her phone against the table, a grimace crossing her face as she rubbed at her temples. "What are you doing here, Sasha? You hate Starbucks."

"You don't care for it either," Sasha argued. She gave her head a shake to the left to toss her auburn bangs back. "Connie and I were going to get breakfast and I saw you in here."

“Connie?” Marcy pulled her face out of her hands, brows furrowing as she looked over my shoulder. Her eyes narrowed into a death glare and I swallowed.

_She’s kinda terrifying when she’s mad._

"Well, it was nice seeing you outside of class Sasha," I started, for once hoping my sarcasm was obvious. Sasha frowned at me. "-but we still have more work to do.” I looked to my friend and nodded towards the door. “Come on Marce.”

She played along easily, smiling slightly. "I, uh... Sorry Sasha. I'll be back in our room once we're done."

I felt like laughing when we left Sasha speechless. Her face was pinched and as horrible as it may be I thought it looked pretty damn amusing.

We exited the Starbucks and started back towards the dorms. The clouds overhead were starting to drift away. Good. No clouds, no storms, no tears.

“You okay?” I heard Marcy ask me when we were on the stairs. I looked over my shoulder, brows furrowing.

“Yeah, why?”

“Just wondering,” she said, something getting her attention for a moment. “You seemed a bit… irritated.”

“Sasha is irritating,” I said honestly. “Not as bad as most, but I was ready to leave before she showed.”

“You seem to think that most people are irritating,” she commented.

_Most. Definitely most. But for whatever reason you’re beyond that number of people…_

I didn’t say this out loud, mainly because I wasn’t sure how it would come across. How weird would that sound? While I was desperate for a friend in this hell hole and Marcy seemed perfect, I still had no clue what kinda limits were in place around her. My mouth was detached from my brain half the time and I didn’t want that to fuck things up.

“You’re not irritating,” I said finally, looking over my shoulder to catch her gaze.

Only it wasn’t there… Brows furrowing, I looked around. “Marcy?”

_What the fuck?_

“Marcy!?” I called, confused. I turned and started back down the stairs. “Where did you go!?”

“I’m down here, you dork!” I heard her shout.

My brows were still furrowed as I made my way down to the second floor. There was a door open on the right side of the hall and I assumed it was Marcy’s. I poked my head in and saw her rummaging through a dresser.

“What are you doing?” I asked. Of course she jumped when I said this.

Marcy let out a little huff as she turned to face me. “I’m getting different clothes,” she explained, tossing a pink shirt onto her bed. Her half of the room was nicely kept, though her bed wasn’t made. She stood up and looked at me. "You were zoned out so I figured I'd change while you were distracted."

I lifted a brow at this. _Seriously?_

Leaning against the doorframe I looked over the room. “That was a great plan.”

She bit at her lower lip, looking at the clothes she’d pulled. “Yup… now get out of here, I still need to change.”

A smile played at my lips as I moved to leave. “Sure thing, Freckles,” I said. I turned away, pulling the door closed behind me.

 _She’s such a dork. Though, it is my fault for being so unobservant. Dammit Jeanna,_ I thought, walking down the hall absentmindedly. I stopped when I realized I’d passed the stairwell. Brows furrowing, I looked around.

_God dammit, she was only like three doors down from the stairs. How did I get so far already?_

I sighed and my hand went up to the back of my neck, fingers toying with the short hairs of my undercut as I walked back.

As I passed the stairwell I heard footsteps coming from above.

“Marcy!?” I called out, wondering if it was her.

“Jeanna,” I heard a softer voice call out. It sounded like Marcy, and seeing as it responded I assumed it was her. Did she think I’d gone back up?

I hurried up the stairs trying to catch up. “Slow down, Marce,” I pleaded, picking up my pace. When I finally caught up to her she was leaning against the frame of the entrance/exit, holding her neck in her hands while her eyes were closed.

_Is she okay? I mean, it looked like she was getting a head-ache back at the Starbucks._

Getting closer, I noticed just how pale her face had gotten, causing her freckles to be even more apparent. “Uh, Marcy?” I started. She looked at me, meeting my gaze. “Dude, you’re really pale right now. Are you okay?”

Her voice was weak when she spoke. “Yeah, I’m fine,” she said.

A growl resonated low in my throat when she said this, my face pulling into a scowl. "I fucking told you to stop saying fine. We're friends now, don't give me that shit."

“Sorry,” she said, letting her hands fall. My scowl quickly faded, expression shifting into something like concern. The energy coming from her was lethargic and dizzy.

“Marcy,” I said carefully, “please tell me you’re not sick.”

Her brown eyes closed as she shook her head. "I can't focus on much right now, but I think that'd be lying."

“Great,” I groaned, shaking my head. I looked at her and watched as her lower lip got stuck between her teeth again.

_No! Stop being cute, you’re sick!_

“You shouldn’t have walked up the stairs,” I scolded instead.

One of her eyes opened, looking at me as her brows furrowed. "I was already on the third floor when it hit me. From there it was up or down and my stuff is still in your room."

“Wow, you are incredible,” I said, shaking my head. Her eyes closed again. She was a dork, but I wasn’t gonna let her suffer. "I've got some stuff in my desk, so let's get some meds in your system before you pass out on me. You're not allergic to anything, right?"

She shook her head in response and stood straight. Well, mostly straight. The kid started wobbling the moment she moved, her body threatening to fall over. I shook my head, stepping closer so she could use me as a support. “Incredible,” I repeated.

“You haven’t been much of a friend so far. More like a caretaker,” she commented.

I laughed lightly at this as we walked to my room. "Don't worry about that, it's okay. We just happened to become friends during a really shitty time of year. Rain, sick kids. Never thought boarding school would be so much fun."

She didn’t say anything about this, but I think I saw a smile. She remained silent until we’d gotten to the dorm.

Marcy took a seat on my desk chair, sitting on it with the back between her legs as she wrapped her arms around the head rest and pressed against it.

I stepped over to my desk, pulling open the top drawer on the right. It was full of cheap meds. Things for headaches, sore throats, upset stomach, first aid supplies. It was a mess.

"My parents left me with enough drugs to build a pharmacy," I griped, picking up bottles as I tried to find what I was looking for. "Or be a dealer, but I'm not even gonna go there." I wasn’t entirely sure what was wrong, so I pulled up a bottle of allergy pills. I picked up a little plastic cup (because of course I had those) and moved to the little sink that was in the corner of my room.

Tapping her on the head, Marcy shifted slightly.

“Come on dude, don’t pass out yet.”

She lifted her head up, squinting as though I were shining a flashlight in her face. The expression she wore made it seem as though she hadn’t heard me.

“Freckles, take the fucking meds before I force them down your throat,” I threatened, narrowing my eyes at her. Marcy didn’t seem fazed, only grimacing and groaning as she sat straighter to take the pills. She tossed them into her mouth, chasing them down with the water. Her face pinched.

“Thank you,” I said, taking the cup and throwing it away. Marcy made a little grunt in response to this before burying her face in her arms. "Unfortunately, those meds are probably gonna make you even more tired. You can hang out here for now."

I could’ve sworn I heard her say something, but when I turned around she was still. Sighing, I grabbed my sketchbook off of my desk and started drawing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Out of curiosity, how many of you have read _Don't Say Fine_ and thought for sure the same thing as Marcy when she overheard Jeanna's conversation with Jason? 
> 
> Hehe, well the next chapter isn't going to be too interesting. It's mainly filler/build up for what's coming in chapter 5. Again, those who've read the sister fic know exactly what I'm talking about.
> 
> Please leave a comment or something before you go? I love feedback and I'll usually respond. But if not, then I'll see you when I update this next. Take care ^_^


	4. Don't Question It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More counselor visits and Marcy is incredible in so many ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I got this done pretty quickly. As previously mentioned in past notes, this is more or less filler. But it should tide you over until I can finish either chapter 5 of this or chapter 10 of _Don't Say Fine_.   
>  It's a little more than 4000 words, and I am aware that Marcy's version is over 5000. But bear in mind that they're different characters with different sides to this story. Trust me, Jeanna will get her lengthy bits later in the story ^_^
> 
> But for now, let's move on shall we?
> 
> **Links**   
> [My tumblr](http://hopeless-alchemist.tumblr.com/)   
> [Marcy's POV for this chapter](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1585286/chapters/3637115)

* * *

 

At some point that afternoon I’d realized Marcy had passed out on my desk chair and she turned into a rock again. I’d grabbed onto to her, slinging an arm over my shoulder and dragging her the few feet over to my bed. The kid stirred slightly as she slept, but it didn’t seem as though she were going to be waking up anytime soon.

_Damn you’re heavy,_ I complained silently to myself. Letting out a huff, I draped a sheet over her just in case she got cold. It didn’t seem likely, but I also didn’t think want her to overheat. Which was why she was given a sheet instead of the comforter.

I pushed my chair back into place and sat down, rolling all the way forward as I put my earbuds in and pressed play. Chewing on the inside of my cheek, my gaze fell on the sketchbook that had been temporarily ignored. I clicked the end of the mechanical pencil and started drawing.

The contents of my sketchbooks contained usual mundane things, but there were also scenes that fell on the opposite side of normal. For nearly a year I’d been dealing with insanely surreal dreams, and as a way of trying to make sense out of them I drew the scenes. Sometimes there were people whose faces found their ways into these drawings. There was one that frequented my sketches more often than others; a freckle faced boy. He seemed to be my age and had a bright smile that made the bad vibes I got off of those dreams dissipate. Marcy was a lot like him…

My gaze shifted to the sleeping girl behind me for a moment, eyes scanning her form and face. She and the boy had the same shaped face and the same bright brown eyes. Marcy’s features were more feminine, of course, but the resemblance was uncanny. Even the smile was similar, now that I thought about it.

_That’s kinda creepy…_

I wrote the experience off as a coincidence and ignored it, returning to my sketchbook. I was continuing on a scene that I’d started nearly a week ago. For whatever reason it was a massive city-like area, with lots of European styled buildings and high walls built around it. At least drawing the buildings made for good practice, even if it was a pain in the ass shading the shit when I was done.

I tended to prefer traditional art. I loved the way it sounded when my pens scratched across the paper, and the mess I made when dealing with paint. I hadn’t bothered with painting in a long time, but now that I was settled and I didn’t exactly have anyone that I’d be bothering, it wouldn’t be a problem if I got some art supplies and had my way with that. There were perks to not having a roommate.

I’m not exactly how much time I spent trying to piece together that scene. At some point I tore the sheet from my notebook, balled it up, and tossed it over my shoulder. That continued for a little while. Each time I got the basic sketch done, but when it came time for the shading I started cursing and there were several pages on the floor by the time I heard a voice through my earbuds

"Ngh, Jeanna. Calm down. Just watching you is stressing me out," I heard Marcy complain, causing me to freeze. Again with the ‘calm down’. Why the fuck did that make me so tense?

Turning around to face her, I licked at my lips and removed the earbuds. Marcy looked really cute, all disheveled like that. The thought made my face flush and my brain start questioning where the fuck that came from.

“So you’re awake?” I said, stating the obvious as usual and mentally kicking myself for being so lame.

She nodded and yawned, her eyes closing momentarily. “Yeah…”

“You look like shit,” I commented without thinking. The mental kicking got harder, but then I remembered that no matter what I said Marcy never seemed to really care.

"Makes sense,” she started. “I got bitch-slapped by some bug and now I feel gross."

I laughed lightly at this, a smile tugging at my lips again. _I’ve heard the kid curse twice now._

"If you think you can walk I'll help you get back to your dorm," I offered, closing my notebook.

She nodded a little and started wrestling with the sheet. I was tempted to assist her, but she seemed capable. Eventually she got free and sat up straighter.

“Sheesh,” I started, turning off my desk lamp and stepping over to her. “You seem to work in extremes. Before you were pale, now your face is all red."

Marcy hummed in response to this as she swung her legs over the side of the bed.

“Come on kid,” I said, smirking as though I were talking to a child. I took hold of her wrists and pulled her to her feet. “Up you go.”

Her expression pinched when she heard me. " _Kid_? I'm like a year older than you."

That was… interesting. My face contorted into a look of confusion. “… what?”

"I'm seventeen, you're sixteen," she said, swaying slightly as she stood. I reached out, wanting to help but she was being stubborn and wouldn’t let me.

"How are you seventeen and a junior so early in the year?" I asked, keeping an eye on her as we got to the door.

Marcy grimaced once we were in the hall, eyes squinting to see in the bright light. "I was in the hospital for a while during freshman year so I had to repeat all of those classes."

_Huh. That’s odd._

"Is the 'why' connected to what made you freak out?" I asked.

This seemed to catch her off guard. "N-no, it's different. I'd gotten pretty sick, and I don't even remember much of it..."

I nodded, not pushing her any more than I already had for one weekend.

The elevator was still out of order, successfully pissing me off. Luckily for us Marcy was able to get down the stairs with a certain level of ease.

Once we got to her dorm she pulled a key from her pocket, trying to shove it into the lock. She struggled for a few moments. I put a hand over hers, getting her to relax and give the key to me.

"God, you're so stubborn," I thought out loud, opening the door and letting us in. I went over to the desk that was closest to the door and I remembered that Marcy’s half was on the right side of the room. Tugging a pen from a cup, I started writing on the notepad. "I'm writing my phone number here,” I let her know. “Call me, text me, or something when you're better. 'Kay?"

She nodded. "Yeah, sure."

I looked her over, my face pinching slightly. I didn’t want to leave her alone while she was sick, but Sasha had to get there at some point and then she’d be able to take care of my new friend.

"Kay then," I said finally. "I'm gonna go back to my room. Get better, we still have chemistry to do." My lips tugged upwards into a smile as I left her and returned to my dorm.

**-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-**

Marcy was absent on Monday, no doubt still sick from the weekend, leaving me to do double the work in chemistry. Double the work, because I was writing two sets of identical notes as fast as I could while somehow managing to keep them legible.

After class Ms. Hanji came up to me.

“Jeanna,” she said, butchering my name as usual. “I got a call from Mr. Smith over in Student Services. He wants you to meet him in his office.”

Fuck, I’d forgotten about him. I blew off our meeting on Friday to study with Marcy. It was supposed to have been our last meeting, why the fuck did he care so much?

“Uh, thanks. I’ll go there now,” I said.

She nodded and returned to her desk, writing down something that I didn’t care to know about.

_Fuck, couldn’t that bastard have just left well enough alone!? I don’t need a babysitter!_

The walk to student services was boring and the office was on the other side of the building. My thoughts kept travelling to Marcy and how I’d get the work to her.

_Should I just go to her dorm? Or should I text her beforehand…_

These thoughts trailed off the moment I got to the office. My brows furrowed when I saw Jaeger sitting in the waiting area.

“The hell are you doing here?” I asked, brows furrowed.  Green eyes glared upwards at me and I noticed the black eye. “Woah fuck, what happened?”

“Like you care,” he snapped.

My eyes narrowed. “I’m trying to be civil dude. Just ‘cause I don’t like you doesn’t mean I like seeing your ugly mug bruised like a peach.”

His forehead creased in confusion. “Thanks, I think?”

I took a seat beside close to him but far enough that he wouldn’t get the wrong idea. “So what happened?”

His leg bounced up and down as he shook his head. “Found Armin getting messed with by some jocks.”

Eyes widening, I stared in disbelief. “Fuck, is he okay?”

“Armin? Yeah, he’s fine. I got there before too much damage was done. One of the jocks swung at me, though. But better me than Armin,” he said.

I raised a brow at this and opened my mouth to ask more about what he meant by that, but was cut off when the lady at the desk called forward the next person waiting. Eren huffed and stood up to go to the desk, showing her his pass and explaining what happened to her.

_Wow, not even a ‘see you later Horse Face’?_ I thought, narrowing my eyes at him. _Rude._

Shaking my head, I pushed up off the seat and tugged on the black hoodie I was wearing so that it was back over my hips. Mr. Smith’s office was down the hall as usual. I knocked a couple times on the door and let myself in.

It’d be an understatement if I were to say I was extremely confused by the fact Levi was sitting on his desk. Apparently I’d interrupted some kinda conversation between the two of them.

“I, uh…” I started, confused. I cleared my throat and spoke again, “Sorry, Ms. Hanji told me that you wanted to see me, sir?”

Levi got off of the desk and started for the door. I swallowed and moved away, giving him plenty of room to pass.

“We’ll talk later Erwin,” he said, with the same monotonous tone he always used. But the energy he gave off didn’t feel as terrifying. And maybe I was mistaken, but I could’ve sworn I saw something like  smile on that stone face of his.

Mr. Smith nodded and Levi left. “Jeanna, please have a seat.”

I closed the door and swallowed again, nervous. Sucking in a deep breath, I allowed myself to relax. “So,” I started. “You and Levi, huh?”

Mr. Smith’s expression didn’t falter. “We’re acquainted with each other,” was the response he gave me. I didn’t push it, despite having a good feeling that there was something more going on behind the scenes.

“Noted. So why did you call me to your office this morning?”

“You didn’t show up on Friday like we’d planned. Care to explain?”

“Not really, but you want me to anyway,” I said, already growing bored. “Last week you told me I should try to make friends, so that’s what I did.”

“Is that so?” he said.

“Yes,” I said, a little burst of pride filling up inside me. “A girl from my chemistry class, Marcy. We made plans to study Friday afternoon in my dorm. You can check with her if you think I’m lying. It’s not like I just blew off a meeting with you for no reason.”

At that point I was half-lying. Marce and I had made plans. That part was true. However, the fact that nothing got done didn’t leave me with a good excuse and there was no way I was going to tell him the real reason why nothing got done. I had a feeling that the PTSD was something Marcy wouldn’t tell a whole lot of people, counselor or not.

“How did that go?” he asked.

“It went well,” I lied. It was too easy, but I’d been doing the same thing with my parents for as long as I could remember. It wasn’t that I was a bad kid, but that telling lies like was simple. “We got a bit of work done. She’s actually out sick today, and I made her a copy of the notes from class today.”

“That seems out of character for you,” Mr. Smith said.

My brows furrowed at his comment. “What do you mean?”

“During prior meetings with you, you seemed to want nothing to do with any of the other students,” he said, writing something down. I couldn’t see what it was and something told me that I didn’t want to know. “Have you spoken to any of the classmates you knew before you moved? Tried to reconnect?”

“I talked to Jaeger while he was in the office back there. Didn’t kill him, amazingly,” I said, mostly thinking out loud. My hand reached up and found my earrings, my fingers catching on the hoops as usual. “Then there’s another kid in my chem class that I met up with last week. Armin Arlert? He helped me out with make-up work for Levi’s class. Other than that, no one else. I don’t have classes with anyone else, really, and school work has been keeping me kinda busy.”

Mr. Smith nodded. For a little while longer, maybe ten minutes?, he had me rambling on about random shit. Afterwards he gave me a tardy slip and let me get back to class, telling me that I didn’t have to come see him anymore unless I wanted to.

-

The rest of the day was boring. I went through my classes as usual, taking notes and staying silent. Like the background character of someone else’s story, almost. It wasn’t until I was back in the dorm building that I started feeling like a protagonist again.

Still confused about the out-of-service elevator, I begrudgingly climbed the stairs and made my way to Marcy’s dorm.

_I hope she got my message and knows I’m coming over…_

I knocked on her door, calling out her name. When there was no response, my brows furrowed and I got semi-violent with it, banging on her door until I heard footsteps.

The door opened and an angry Marcy appeared in her PJs, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. "Dammit Eren! You're gonna end up busting my... door..." Her brown eyes met my gaze and she trailed off, staring at me.

“The fuck?” was the most intelligent thing my brain decided it could come up with. Fantastic.

"You... are not Eren. I, uh..." She cleared her throat, an embarrassed blush coloring her cheeks. Her voice was rough as she spoke, no doubt from whatever was making her sick. "S-sorry, Sasha said Eren and Armin would be coming over with school work I missed."

I relaxed at this. "Ah, that makes sense. I was doing the same, actually,” I said. “I don't know your schedule, but I got your chem work for you."

The kid gave me the sweetest smile I’d ever seen and I don’t think she even knew just how adorable she looked at that point. "Thanks, that's sweet of you," she said.

_Sweet?_

Her words left me slightly speechless, mainly because no one had ever called me ‘sweet’. Blinking, I licked at my lips and shifted my backpack. "Y-yeah. So, uh..." I stammered, tugging open the zipper and pulling out the flimsy binder to retrieve the extra notes. I gave her the ones that looked cleaner.

Marcy’s eyes grew wide as she looked over the notes, flipping pages. "Wow, this... this is awesome!" she said, a smile tugging at her expression.

It vanished quickly because her voice started sounding even worse at that point and coughs forced her attention to shift. Marcy turned around and made her way to the mini fridge, grabbing a bottle of water and quickly downing nearly half of it. She sat the on the floor, letting out a sigh that caused her whole body to shudder. "God, this sucks," she complained, pulling the blanket tighter around her.

“You look like hell,” I said, once again my mouth moving before I had a chance to object.

She raised a brow at me and I reached around to the back of my neck, fingers running through the undercut. "Turns out most of the class is sick. Hanji kept going with the class, though,” I informed her, giving reason as to why I’d written her notes. “I didn't want you to get lost, though seeing as I had no clue about what I was writing it may or may not be the best set of notes to go from."

"They're great. I think it'll be perfect," she said, giving me that same smile that ate away any irritation I’d previously been feeling until that point. "Thanks."

My hand fell from my neck and I tried returning the smile. Clearing my throat, I said, “I still have homework, so I'm gonna head up to my dorm. Call me or something to let me know if I'm gonna be doing two sets of notes or not tomorrow, 'kay?”

"Yeah, sure thing," she said. Her voice seemed to be getting worse and I hoped that she’d go to sleep once I was gone. "I'll see you 'round then."

“Yeah, sure,” I said, nodding. “Later Marce."

Part of me didn’t want to leave her alone and I started wondering where the fuck Sasha was. But then I decided that Marcy would be okay on her own for at least a little while.

**-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-**

_Marcy you are the biggest idiot I’ve ever had the pleasure of becoming acquainted with._

The next day Marcy had returned to school, though I wished she would’ve stayed in her dorm. While the kid looked relatively normal, she could barely talk and she couldn’t stop coughing. During chemistry she’d broken down into coughing fits that resulted in her almost leaving the classroom so she wouldn’t be a distraction for the other students. Ms. Hanji, while she couldn’t pronounce my name properly for shit, was at least a patient teacher. She’d gone so far as to grab a plastic cup and fill it with water for my sick friend.

When I looked behind me the kid’s face was flushed, almost as though she were holding her breath so she wouldn’t be a bother.

_You little shit, you should’ve stayed in your dorm!_ I wanted to yell. Instead I tried to focus on my notes, fidgeting with my earrings the whole time as usual.

The final bell went off and I turned around to look at Marce, just to make sure she hadn’t jumped. She looked calm enough so I confronted her.

"You're incredible, you know that?" I informed her, watching as she packed her bag.

Her brows furrowed at me. “Sorry?” she said. Well, barely. It came out as a raspy whisper. The poor kid was running on fumes, for sure.

“You. Are. Incredible. You're still fucking sick and you came to class. Why?” I questioned.

"I need to keep my grades high, and I can't do that while playing BioShock," she said, downing the last of the water that was in that red cup.

I stared at her in disbelief. Was she serious?

"Marcy, promise me that if you're still like this tomorrow you'll stay in your room," I insisted, stuffing my hands in the pocket of my black hoodie.

She licked at her lips, getting rid of the moisture that had caught from the water. "I can't promise that."

My eyes narrowed. This was getting ridiculous. "Marcy, seriously. Just try to focus on getting better?"

Sighing, she seemed to give up. “Fine,” she said.

The corners of my lips curled into a scowl at the sound of my least favorite word. "God dammit Marcy, I swear..."

“Sorry!” she tried to say, only proving my point that she didn’t need to be back in school already. "I-I'll try, okay?"

With a sigh from me I nodded, relaxing with the knowledge that maybe she’d take care of herself. It was better than the start. "Thank you. Now come on. Class starts again in a few minutes."

Marcy licked at her lips again and followed me out of the classroom.

The rest of the day was boring as usual, except for lunch. Marcy had invited me to sit with her, and doing so meant that I’d also be sitting with the crowd I’d seen her hanging with before. There was Sasha, Connie, Jaeger, Armin, Mikasa, some chick named Annie, and a couple seniors. Krista and Bertholdt. It was amazing to me how so many different people knew each other.

The second Jaeger saw me, however, he decided to lash out. His black eye hadn’t even healed yet and I was more than happy to make it purple again.

“Who the hell brought the tomboy?” he growled, those green eyes of his glaring at me.

The old insult made my stomach twist. I slammed my tray down on the table and reached forward to grab his collar, lifting him from his seat as memories of middle school came back to me. "Call me that again, Twinkle Toes. We'll see who kicks whose ass."

My hoodie slammed against my throat, pulling me back as I choked. Across the table I noticed that Eren was getting the same thing done to him by his sister. I gasped for breath once I was released, my eyes wide as I turned to stare at Marcy because she was the only one that would’ve done that. My jaw dropped and I stared at her. She met my gaze with calm eyes.

"Dude, the fuck? Why the hell do you sit with him?" I asked.

It was pointless to think that I’d get an answer out of the girl. By now she’d lost her voice and was completely mute. It didn’t stop me from trying, though.

_Fucking hell, you’re still incredible. Please stay in your dorm tomorrow if you’re still like this._

The little blonde senior girl, Krista, looked over at the two of us, her gaze going from me to Marce and back to me. "Jeanna, was it? Did you go to school around here before?" she asked me.

My expression softened when I heard her speak. She seemed relatively nice. "Yeah, I did. My family lives in the city. Why?"

"Just curious,” she said. “You looked familiar. Middle school maybe."

_Familiar?_

I shrugged instead of questioning it. "Maybe, I don't remember that many people from back then."

“I remember you, horse face,” Eren commented, just dying to see me riled up.

“That’s it!” I practically shouted, standing up again only to be dragged down by Marcy. I let out a choke and made a mental note to not wear zipper-less hoodies to lunch ever again. I started pawing at her hand. “Marcy!”

She finally let go and I was able to breathe properly again. I turned to face her and was met with a relatively scary glare, her eyes narrowed and staring me down. I huffed and let my focus travel to my food. From the corner of my eye I thought I could see Marcy smirk.

"Wow," Armin commented, looking at us. "I don't think I've ever seen Jeanna calm outside of class."

_Oh come on, you too?_

“Dude, don’t make me hate you,” I said, taking a sip from my milk carton. There was a pang of guilt that hit my stomach when I saw the uncomfortable way he reacted, picking at his food.

It didn’t take too long for everyone to relax, however. Krista kept me busy asking questions. I explained things to her like the move across the country and why I was gone for so long. Eren made a couple comments here and there that made me want to rip out the kid’s throat, but in the end Marcy held me back.

Though, I wasn’t the only one held back. After lunch I noticed Krista pull Marcy aside. I had no clue why, but at the time I didn’t think much of it. I simply left well enough alone and carried on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, it's kinda short. I didn't want to force anything on it so I just let the story do the writing. By the way I finished this at 7:00 in the morning after a sleepless night, so please let me know if there are any glaring errors. 
> 
> The next chapter is going to be _very_ heavy. There's a lot going on and there will be a lot of revelations. Also Jeanna gets drunk, so that'll be fun as well! But things happen with Marcy that aren't quite as fun. It's character development no matter how you look at it so I hope you stick around! 
> 
> As usual I love comments, but if you can't/don't want to that's fine as well. Either way, I'll see you next update.   
> Take care guys ^_^


	5. Oh Calamity!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some nightmares, a Halloween party, and Jeanna's not exactly as straight as you thought. Or is it just the alcohol talking?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whee, I'm on a roll with these updates! Little bit of writer's block on chapter 10 of _Don't Say Fine_ , so I've been doing this almost non-stop when school isn't getting in the way. 
> 
> Anyways, hiya! Hopeless here, as always. For those of you that have read the sister fic, as usual this fic correlates with the same chapter 5 you've read before. Except now that it's in Jeanna's PoV, and I'm really hoping I did well enough on character development. You get to find out a lot of stuff about her and the other characters that's pretty much unheard of over in _Don't Say Fine_. 
> 
> So yeah, character development ^_^;;;
> 
>  **Links**  
> [My tumblr](http://hopeless-alchemist.tumblr.com)  
> [Marcy's POV for this chapter](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1585286/chapters/3732794)  
> [The song that inspired the title of this chapter ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32sHgBli1ws). Lyrics don't really match, just the title.  
>  Jeanna's costume is based on [this kick ass tutorial.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95ePiBW40JI)

* * *

 

Miraculously, Marcy was back to normal the next day. Mostly normal, anyways. She still had a little bit of a cough but she was no longer mute. Chemistry went uninterrupted and things were pretty relaxed.

Until lunch. And it wasn’t because of Jaeger. He and Armin were talking about something unrelated to everything else happening, as though they were in their own little world and oblivious to their surroundings.

 _Those two need to go out with each other already, everyone knows they’re gay but them,_ I thought, sighing a little as Marcy took a seat beside me. She gave me a smile, brightening my mood as usual.

The calm went away quickly as little Krista came skipping over to the table, Bertholdt following behind her at a normal pace. There was a bright smile on her face as she looked over the table. “Are you guys free next Friday?” she asked.

My brows furrowed. “Yeah, why?” I asked, the rest of the table giving similar answers.

"Great!” she said ask everyone said the same thing. “Ymir and Reiner are having a Halloween party. They wanted Bertholdt and me to ask around for guests. Since they know most of us, I figured you guys would want to come."

I think they’d told me about that. Ymir was Krista’s girlfriend, if I wasn’t mistaken, and Reiner and Bertholdt were going out. I thought it was cute, because both seniors lit up like Christmas trees whenever their significant others came up.

“What’s the party for?” Sasha asked.

“It’s just a party,” Bertholdt answered. He didn’t talk much, but when he did his voice was smooth. It tended to waver, but only slightly. “Horrible Halloween themed snacks, tacky decorations, and crappy costumes." He smiled, thin lips pressed together. "It'll be fun."

I raised a brow at this. “Costumes?”

“Of course,” Krista said, as though it were obvious. “It’s Halloween, there have to be costumes.”

My face pinched at this. “I wouldn’t say have to…” Something hard and pointed gabbed into my ribs and I cried out, turning to confront the one that had hit me. “Marcy!” I complained, my hand moving to nurse the now sore spot on my side. We went into a glaring contest. "Don't make me rethink this whole friendship thing."

She broke the glare, a massive smile tugging at her expression. "We went over this, Jeanna. You're stuck with me."

Again I couldn’t stay mad at her and a smirk pulled away my irritation.

_Why can’t I be mad at you!? You’re such a frustrating little shit, why can’t I be mad!?_

“Anyway,” the little blonde started, getting our attention. Her expression had previously been something I couldn’t read, but a smile pulled on it quickly enough. “We'll give you guys more details when have them."

_Oh yeah, the party. Fuck. Do I seriously have to wear a costume?_

“Costumes…” I thought out loud.

Marcy leaned forward to try and catch my gaze. That bright smile was on her face again. “Come on, it’ll be fun.”

I scoffed at this and stuck my hands in the pockets of today’s hoodie. It was a light tan color and had a zipper, which wasn’t up all the way in case I got choked again. "For you guys I'm sure. But my folks hate holidays in general, Halloween the most," I explained, elaborating on my sheltered childhood. "Growing up I never wore costumes, or ate tons of candy, or even left the house on Halloween."

Marcy’s eyes grew wide and I knew that she was plotting something.

“How many people will be there?” Sasha asked, being one of few to actually contribute to the conversation.

"Not too many, I think," Bertholdt said, offering her a gentle smile to reassure her. "Reiner and Ymir are still freshman, so they don't know a lot of people. It may end up just being us and them for all I know."

A couple others asked questions, Connie about the food (he and Sasha were on the same page with that one) and Armin about transportation. As soon as everything was cleared up everyone settled back into what they’d been doing.

The rest of the school day carried on like that. For the next couple class periods I let myself get lost in thought. A party? I’d been to plenty of parties before. Dozens of drunken teenagers crammed into a small space, couples stealing rooms and fucking so loud the whole building can hear, the smell of weed everywhere. There was one I’d gone to almost a few months ago before we got back. Me and a girl named Hitch ended up making out on the couch while people cheered us on, pushing it further until we were topless. But she was too drunk to even remember the next day so we just went along with life as though that shit hadn’t happened. All it did for me was help me to realize that I wasn’t exactly as straight as my family thought I was…

After school I hesitated at the thought of just going back to my dorm. Going back to the dorm meant being alone and doing homework alone. Yes, I had the internet available to me, but upon remembering what Marcy had told me Friday I ended up going down to the basement.

_She said that she usually goes down to the music room, right? Fuck, I hope this doesn’t seem creepy. But why would it? She told me about her coming down here before. I fucking met her down here on Friday. Shit, I’m getting panicky what the fuck!?_

I sucked in a deep breath as I went down the stairs, relaxing significantly when I heard the pleasant sounds of a piano. The tune was somber, but it wasn’t entirely sad. It stopped when an out of place note found its way into the mix. My eyes grew wide when I heard Marcy’s voice start to cuss.

She still hadn’t noticed me by the time I’d gotten into the doorway. I tried to stay as quiet as possible, knowing she would probably stop were she to realize that I’d appeared.

Carefully, I waited for her to start playing again so I could drop my bag and sit against the wall. While she restarted the little song she’d previously been playing, I pulled out a pencil and my sketchbook. I flipped through old drawings as she played, stopping on another misplaced note. She started swearing under her breath, shaking out her hands as she did before sucking in a deep breath and resuming what she’d previously been doing.

A careful smile returned to my face as I looked from her to my sketchbook. I gripped the pencil firmly clicking the end before putting it to the paper. I glanced back up, making sure I was getting the angle right, before I started drawing out the scene in front of me.

Marcy actually made a lovely model. She had near perfect posture and the way she sat with her surroundings made for a rather nice picture. After some time had passed and I’d drawn out the basic sketch, I heard a loud “Fuck!”

I could hear heavy breathing and the sound of skin meeting skin in a quiet slap, random piano notes echoing off of the walls of the room. My brows furrowed and I set my sketchbook down, now no longer trying to be quiet as I went over and put a hand on her shoulder. She froze.

"Jeez, Marce,” I started. “Relax a bit, it's just a piano."

She squeaked at the sound of my voice. Slowly, she pulled her hands away from her face and turned to look at me. When our gazes met she collapsed, groaning as she fell against the bench, lying on her back.

“Oh god,” she moaned, her tone pitched from the embarrassment. She continued to try hiding behind her hands, as if doing so would make her disappear. “How long have you…?”

“At least the last half hour or so, maybe longer,” I said, answering before she could finish.

She sobbed a little at this, and even in the shit lighting of the basement I could see her flushed cheeks. “Oh god!” she said again, louder. “Jeanna! Why!?”

"You normally come down here after school, right?” I said. “Well, I wanted to hear you play, and I had a feeling you wouldn't let me if you knew I was here. So I sat over there and listened to you." I pointed by the door even though she wasn’t even looking at me.

"You should've left when I started repeating everything I was doing,” she whined. “It all eventually goes downhill from there."

I laughed at this. _You’re such a dork._

"You know, I've never heard you say 'fuck' before,” I said, bending forward so that my face was hovering over hers. “And as interesting as that was, you're being too hard on yourself."

Marcy’s eyes opened and met my gaze. I offered her a smile, but her eyes widened as they scanned my face and she fell off of the bench. The kid hit the wooden floor with a hard thump, causing me to jump. Despite my confusion I started laughing and couldn’t stop.

“Oww,” she sobbed pitifully, pushing herself up and nursing the shoulder she’d fallen on. My laughter wouldn’t stop and eventually I fell on the ground, arms holding my stomach as I cackled.

“You’re horrible,” Marcy informed me as she got up and sat on the bench.

“I… I’m sorry,” I tried, gasping for breath. I heard Marcy sigh and my laughter died down as she got up, grabbing her stuff and moving for the door. She paused when she got to my stuff and my eyes grew wide when she picked up my sketchbook.

“No! Don’t touch that!” I shouted, laughter over and done with as I moved to snatch it from her. I stared at her in disbelief as I held it to my chest, breathing heavy from the adrenaline that was now coursing through my veins.

She seemed to shrink under my gaze, guilt wearing on her expression. “Sorry,” she said.

My eyes narrowed at her. “Did you see anything?” I pressed, desperate to know if she’d caught me drawing her or not. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.

“No!” she said loudly, defending herself. She took a breath and cleared her throat, stammering, “N-no, I-I didn't. I-it's pretty dark in here..."

_Oh thank god…_

I let out a sigh, relieved and finally relaxing. I closed my sketchbook and nodded. “Good,” I said, kneeling down to put it back in my backpack. Slinging it on my shoulder, I stood up and looked down a little. "Sorry, Marcy. There's some... personal stuff in that."

I wasn’t completely lying. She’d probably think I was insane if I told her about the dream scenes, which made it personal enough. Plus the fact that I was self-conscious about my drawing made the almost lie even more truthful.

Marcy nodded and silence fell between us, and we remained like that until it became awkward. It didn’t seem like she was going to say anything anytime soon, so I spoke up.

"Do you wanna go to that place with the fries and do our homework?" I offered, looking back up and meeting her gaze.

A smile started tugging at her face and she nodded again. “Yeah, that sounds perfect.”

I smiled back and all seemed to be forgiven. We gathered ourselves and left the music room, eventually exiting the building and making our way back out of the Academy.

It was still somewhat early in the afternoon, the sun just starting to fall. I stared up at the clouds as we walked down the sidewalk. There weren’t many and the ones around were thin, causing a hazy glow to make the whole downtown area shimmer. It was kinda amazing. Back in the main part of the city I never got that kind of view.

_Born a city girl but I love the outside. How strange._

The calm energy that the lighting gave off made me think, particularly about lunch.

"So are we really gonna go?" I started, looking off into the distance. "To that Halloween thing, I mean. Like, you're the only one at this school that I kinda know. It'll be kinda weird being in a crowd of people I don't know."

 She grinned down at me. "Yes, we are most definitely going," she said. “I don't know many of the other students either, not well anyways. It'll be a good chance for us to meet people, even if it ends up being the lunch group and the college freshman."

My face pinched. "I'm getting the feeling that you're going to make us wear costumes," I complained.

The kid turned on her heel, practically bouncing as she walked backwards with a dorky smile stretched across her face. "Hell yeah,” she said. I raised a brow, having heard her swear only a couple of times before. “Like, to make up for your sheltered childhood or whatever. I will force you into a costume if I have to."

I continued to look at her with that same expression as I adjusted my backpack strap and stuffed my hands in my pockets. “Oh yay,” I said. It was probably overly sarcastic, but at that point I felt it appropriate.

“It won’t be that bad,” she said, obviously trying to reassure me. The dork put her arm out and grabbed the cross-walk sign, spinning around as though she were in a musical. She hit the button that was meant to turn the walking light green.

"So what kinda costumes did you have in mind?" I asked when we were able to cross.

We turned around a corner. “Nothing really,” she admitted turning back around to walk backwards. "I tried thinking of something earlier, but I gave up."

I smirked at this, but at some point zoned out, thinking about potential costumes.

_Hm… Wasn’t there that girl on YouTube? The one that does the make-up tutorials? She’s gotta have something I could try. It wouldn’t look the same, but I could try._

"How about this?” I offered. “I'll think of something for myself. You just figure out something for you to wear."

A little smile tugged at her lips, head tilting slightly and she seemed to be staring at the clouds.

“I’ve seen that face before,” I commented. The look vanished and was replaced with confusion, the kid furrowing her brows and the smile turning into a frown. She met my gaze and I could sense her confusion. "You know, that one where you get this dreamy look to your eyes and your head tilts a little. Something tells me you already know what you're doing."

“Kinda,” she admitted. Without even looking she stuck her hand out and grabbed a door handle, pulling it open and letting me in first.

_If you were a guy I’d call you a gentleman. No clue what to call a girl though…_

"I've got an idea,” she said, distracting me as she stood beside me in the line. “But I'll need to buy some stuff to make it work."

“Oh yeah?” I said, raising a brow and looking up at her. “What is it?”

Her lips pulled into a thin smile. “Hehe,” she said like the little shit she is. “Not telling. I’ll leave it as a surprise.”

“Hm,” I hummed, turning my gaze to the menu board. “In that case I’ll leave mine as a surprise too.”

From the corner of my vision I saw her nod and turn to face the menu as well. "I've got some cash on me, so I'll buy the food today," she said, changing the subject easily.

"Good, 'cause I left my wallet in my room," I admitted.

We got the chili fries like Friday. It was the least healthy thing on the menu and I loved that fact, as if it were a way of spiting my parents behind their back. A big ‘fuck you’ for all the shit that had been forced down my throat before now.

The two of us grabbed our drinks, Pepsi for Marce and root beer for me, and we sat in the same booth in the back that we’d sat in last Monday. My thoughts shifted to homework easily.

“Okay, so like,” I started, pulling out my chem binder after snatching a fry. "I sorta get how to write out these non-binary ionic compounds, but what the fuck is with the Roman numerals?"

She laughed lightly at this and got out her own notes. “You’re overthinking it. It’s the charge of the cation,” she said.

_Oh great! Because I fucking remember what that is!_

Marcy leaned over the table, writing an example on the scratch sheet of paper I’d pulled. "See? You take the charges of the elements and cross them over, like that." She drew criss-crossing lines from one element to the other. “That'll turn that into a four and that into a two. Since the numbers are similar you can reduce, making the four a two and the two a one."

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” I thought out loud, staring at it as I reviewed it in my head. My eyes widened and it was like she’d turned on a light bulb that was hanging over my head. "Dude, that made more sense than when Hanji did it! Are all of them that easy?"

She laughed at my moment of epiphany. “Pretty much.”

I stabbed into our fries with my fork, moving them quickly so they didn’t drip on my homework sheet. My face pinched as I looked from my sheet to the periodic table that was with it, eyes scanning the thing. "Where the fuck is tungsten?" I asked, talking through the food in my mouth.

"It's one of the ones that don’t make any sense," she sighed, jotting  down something. "Second to last row on the bigger table, element W."

My pinched expression remained. "God dammit, who the hell came up with this shit?" I thought out loud, swallowing some of my drink. I finished up the formula and moved on to the next problem.

We carried on like that for a while, finishing our chem homework rather quickly and even managing to move on to other subjects. It was nice, having a partner to help me out with things like this.

 _Yeah, I’m definitely keeping you around,_ I thought at some point, looking at my new friend fondly.

**-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-**

Marcy and I fell into a routine the days leading up to the party. At some point she’d started waiting for me afterschool and we’d go down to the music room together. I’d migrated from behind her and moved to the side wall. She’d play piano and I’d sketch her playing the piano.

I wasn’t trying to be creepy about my drawing her. It was just really hard to find a good model for sketching when you were a high school student whose parents thought that art was a pointless ‘hobby’. And Marcy was a fantastic model. She didn’t move much while she played, her posture remaining almost entirely the same while just her arms moved, fingers dancing across the keys while she played the song she’d written. She was far less frustrated than when I’d first found her playing. Part of me liked to think that it was my being there that made her able to play easier, but then I thought about how ridiculous that sounded and I forced that hypothesis out of the metaphorical window.

The little tune that she’d come up with stuck in my brain even after she’d been playing. I started humming it whenever I got stressed out and almost instantly I’d fallen in love with it. For no reason whatsoever either. It was just so… peaceful.

Speaking of music, I’d managed to ‘corrupt’ my new best friend on that part. _Pierce The Veil, A Day To Remember, Sleeping With Sirens, Fall Out Boy, OneRepublic,_ just about every kind of music. My tastes were amazingly varied and somehow Marcy loved every bit of music I showed her. She even didn’t mind my fangirling over _My Chemical Romance_ either, and for that I was grateful. On Friday Marcy stayed in my dorm again and we spent the whole night listening to music until we passed out on my bed.

When she left the next day I began my search on the internet for a costume idea. Despite the fact I didn’t care much for make-up and it tended to make my face feel weird, I was pretty good at putting the shit on. It also helped that I was an artist with a steady hand. Once I found the channel I was looking for, I went through the videos.

The channel was MadeYewLook, and I’d been subscribed for a while. The girl that ran the channel was pretty attractive. She looked young, she had a neat voice, and when it came to the tutorials I loved the subject matter. Maybe I was just morbid, given that a lot of the tutorials were on the gory side, but I still thought it was really neat. There was no way in hell I’d do it professionally, but for things like this it was cool.

 _There’s gotta be something easy…_ I thought. My laptop was at the foot of my bed and I was lying on my stomach, cuddling a pillow. It smelled flowery, which confused the hell out of me until I realized it was the one that Marcy had been using the previous night.

I stuffed my face into the pillow, breathing in the scent of flowers while I tried to think. But with every breath it was like I was taking a hit and I eventually had to get rid of that damned pillow, doing so by throwing it across the room so it nearly hit the laundry hamper I’d set up by my door.

“Fucking hell, I need to tell Marce to bring her own pillows next,” I grumbled, lying on my bed so my head was hanging off of the side. “That stuff she’s washing with is gonna get me high…”

Admittedly, I gave up the rest of that day. I still had nearly a week to figure shit out.

 _Screw it, I need a nap,_ I eventually thought, getting up to retrieve the flower pillow. I curled up with it, stuffing my face into it a falling asleep easily.

-

_The same fucking city. The same fucking buildings. But it’s different this time. Instead of being on the ground, we’re all on the rooftops. The gear at my side is loud and heavy, the blades making too much fucking noise as we move._

_“Jean!”_

_That name. It’s not my name! I’m not a guy!_

_But… I am. I am?_

_My head turns to my right and there he is. That freckle face that I care about so damn much. The one that’s stuck with me despite all of my shit._

_He looks at me and smiles. What? Why the hell is he smiling!?_

_“Thanks man!” he says. “It’s because of you we’re still alive!”_

_Alive? Still?_

_It all shoves into my mind at once. All of the comrades that I left to die… To be eaten alive by those_ things _… It’s all my fault that they’re dead!_

_But he’s thanking me? Why?_

_The freckle face is still smiling. It catches me off guard when Marcy’s face shows up, replacing his. She’s standing there, smiling at me. It’s that smile that makes me melt completely whenever I see it. I’ve known her for at most a couple weeks and already I know I don’t want to lose her. I have to save her._

_But save her? Save her from what?_

_My eyes widen when she shifts back into the boy. It’s like it flashed forward to a different scene. I’m back on the ground. There’s a noticeable lack of gear at my side, and I soon realize I’m staring at my hands. There are gloves on them and it confuses me. What’s going on?_

_I regret looking up the moment I do so. My heart stops in my chest and my eyes grow wide._

_No. He… that can’t be him. The freckle face is… he’s dead?_

_No, that can’t be it. It can’t be him. Right? There… there has to be some kind of mistake. What is his name? What the hell is his name!?_

_Even though I have no clue I start panicking. My breath catches in my chest when he shifts into Marcy, and instead of his body being there it’s hers. Oh god. Oh god make it stop._

_It’s too hard to breathe. Breathe, you dumbass! Come on!_

I woke up before anything else could happen, struggling to catch my breath. My heart was racing and I felt hot and sticky from my own sweat.

_Marcy… is she okay? Fuck, of course she is. It’s not a dream. It’s reality. She said she was going out right? With Sasha for Halloween shit? Of course. Just fucking calm down, Jeanna. She’d tell you to calm down. She’ll tell you the next time you see her or something. You know that you’ll see her again. Your best friend is okay. Everything is gonna go back to normal soon. Just breathe..._

Despite all of my reassurances that everything was okay, it was still difficult to catch my breath and breathe properly. I gasped like a fish out of water on my bed.

 _That pillow… where did it go?_ I looked over the edge of my bed, the flower pillow lying on the floor. Frantic, I grabbed it and held it to my chest, pressing my face in and picking up the last traces of the flowers. Of her, as creepy as that seemed at the time. I didn’t give a fuck about creepy at that point. It made breathing a bit easier, at least. I felt safer.

The dreams hadn’t been like that for a while. For months they’d just been the same dumb scenes over and over again. They’d been burned into my memory and by now I could sketch out that fucking city with my left hand and my eyes closed.

But the bad parts came back. Why they did, I couldn’t say. But it was even worse now, because Marcy had gotten sucked into them somehow.

“Stupid,” I murmured to myself. It was dark out but I didn’t want to sleep anymore. Coffee sounded like a better idea at that point.

I sat up and palmed at my face, scowling when I felt moisture. Still trying to pull myself together, I grabbed my hoodie and stuffed myself into it, shoving my feet into my converse and getting my room key.

“It’s all just so fucking stupid.”

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

How the fuck I managed to go back to our usual routine after that damned nightmare was a mystery even to me. At first I’d thought of trying to break away from her. To prevent her from getting more hurt than she already was, because from my point of view she was something to be protected. As though if I screwed something up, she’d end up like the freckled boy.

But then I tried to reassure myself that this reality wasn’t like my surrealistic dreams. There was no kinda technology like what the dream me had been using to fly around like that. There were no man-eating giants. Just boring, mundane reality. And Marcy wasn’t the freckled boy. They might have looked alike, sure. Smiled alike, talked in similar manners. But they were different people and it was completely moronic to try and think that anything that happened to him was gonna happen to her.

Needless to say, I gave up on avoiding her after day one. I’d begun to crave her presence and the good energy she gave off, and even though she seemed to enjoy my company as well (for whatever reason, it didn’t make sense to me), I felt like a leech.

In any case, Marce and I had managed to keep our costume secrets just that. Secret. And it was fun. Throughout the week our routine played out around that. I’d meet her after school and we’d go to the basement. I’d tease her about what she was doing for the party and neither of us dropped any hints whatsoever.

I eventually came to a conclusion about what I was going to do for Halloween. After a lot of searching through video tutorials and watching a majority of them, I found one that was easy enough to do and I already had things I could use to go with it.

The tutorial I’d decided on was for a comic book character, and I figured that I could be a pretty good OC. After a couple rounds of trial-and-error I finally got the make-up and the dots to look right. I stuck my hair up in its usual ponytail, put on a leather jacket, and pulled on a pair of tall boots. A smile crossed my face when I looked in the mirror, rather proud of myself for being able to do this.

_Hell yeah! Now let’s get outside to wait for the others._

I stuffed my phone and my room key into the pockets of my jeans, locking up before I started down the stairs. The elevator still had yet to be fixed, and it was starting to feel like I was living in Big Bang Theory or something. Too many fucking stairs.

_You’d think that with all the extra funding this school is getting they’d be able to do something about the fucking dorms._

I was the first on the curb. Jaeger and his companions were coming up the street. Eren was a shitty, unoriginal zombie while his sister looked like an elf. Armin didn’t seem to be wearing a costume.

“What are you supposed to be?” he questioned, brows furrowing at me.

A frown pulled at my lips. “A character from a comic book,” I said, confused about what he didn’t get about that. Were the sound effect earrings not a big enough clue?

“That’s clever,” a voice from behind me said. I recognized it as Marcy’s and turned around, freezing when I saw her.

“Holy shit, Marce,” I said, my eyes widening. She was wearing a lacy white dress and a pair of angel wings. That alone would have been fine, but the fact that the wings were red along the lower feathers and that she was wearing bloody make-up on the right side of her face caused my breath to catch.

_It… it’s like the freckled boy… the blood…_

_Shove it, it’s not real and you know that!_

Marcy’s teeth played with her lower lip, bringing me back to reality as she shrugged. “It’s vague, isn’t it?”

“Just a bit,” I said, still staring. “Explanation please?”

She started playing with her hair, as though she were self-conscious all of a sudden. "I'm a guardian angel that got hurt while protecting her loved one," she said. "Sasha helped with my make-up, but I painted the wings."

_Fuck. You’ve gotta be kidding me. It’s like him. It’s fucking exactly like him!_

_Shit shit shit, stop it. This is no time to be freaking out, it was just a dream…_

“That’s… wow,” I eventually said, once again cursing my fried mind.

"Fuck, Marcy. That's freaking deep," Jaeger said, praising her. "How the hell did you come up with something like that?"

She shrugged. The girl fucking _shrugged,_ as if she didn’t have a single fucking idea. As if it meant nothing.

_This is too surreal to be a fucking coincidence; you cannot tell me that this doesn’t mean anything!_

"For something seemingly random, it's pretty good," Armin said, finally joining the conversation.

The kid’s presence pulled me into reality when I noticed that he was wearing his usual attire. "Where did your costume go?"

"I couldn't think of anything,” he admitted. Marcy laughed at this, causing his face to flush.

After a couple moments a van appeared, Krista in the driver’s seat. The tiny blonde was wearing a witch’s outfit, complete with a pointy black hat.

“Come on guys,” she called through an open window. “Bertl is coming for the others, so pack in.”

The doors opened and we started to work our ways into her van. Sasha, who was wearing a god-awful pirate costume, stayed behind to wait for the others. Armin took shotgun, Mikasa and Jaeger sat in the middle, Marcy and I took the back.

Krista’s girlfriend lived just outside the town in a suburb-like area. Apparently Ymir’s parents had more or less given the old house to her when she graduated, so long as she remained in university. She shared it with Bertholdt’s boyfriend and the two worked part time jobs to maintain the house. It seemed like a decent setup to me.

As we drove down the street I noticed a long trail of cars lining the street. Marcy noticed it too and I could see the worry creasing her features.

“I think I’m gonna hurl,” I heard her say, watching as she stared outside.

“You’ll be fine, Marcy,” Jaeger said, trying to reassure her. To my surprise Marcy grimaced at him, her face pinching and nostrils flaring slightly.

“Besides,” Krista said, speaking up for the first time since we’d gotten in the car with her. “Miri is a host. There might be a lot of people but nothing bad should happen.”

Despite everyone trying to tell her otherwise, I could tell she was still worrying. Her hands were no longer still in her lap, and now she’d taken to messing with the watch around her left wrist. I’d noticed that she tended to keep it on as much as she could. She’d take it off to shower, of course, but other than that it was always there.

The van pulled up in front of a building with tacky decorations all around the yard. Krista let us out so she could find a place to park. Once unloaded, Marcy stood in the driveway, staring at the house.

“You okay?” I asked her, debating over whether or not I should reach out to her.

"I think so, but I'm really happy I remembered to put on deodorant before we left," she said, face flushing slightly as she bit on her lip again.

I snorted a rather unattractive laugh and shook my head at her. “You dork. Come on.” Smiling, I took hold of her wrist and started dragging her to the house.

It seemed just like any other party I’d ever been to. Smoke giving the whole place a ridiculously hazy look and making it smell even worse. However, these drunk teenagers and young adults were all dressed up in ridiculous costumes. There were a few wearing normal attire, like Armin, but the rest were wearing make-up, masks, and other various items.

I sucked on my teeth, making a ‘tsk’ sound as I looked around in the hallway. “Well, this is familiar,” I thought out loud, finally letting go of Marcy’s wrist. “Gotta love the smell of wasted teenagers.”

Marcy laughed at this, nodding. "Heh, yup. Reminds me of my last school."

" _You've_ been to parties?" I inquired, staring at her while my mouth fell open.

Her brows furrowed. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

_Shit, she cursed at me._

"I dunno, like... you know... You're you," I tried, not doing a very good job at defending myself. Marcy kicked it up a notch, folding her arms over her chest as she raised a brow at my stammering. I started again. "You're the girl that fed me dinner for free my first day here. You help me with my homework, joke around, and I've only heard you cuss a few times. You have never once seemed like the kinda person that would go to parties."

"Well, I don't do anything at them. But yeah, I've been to plenty," she said matter-of-factly. Marcy just shrugged and started off towards the back of the building.

“Marcy wait!” I shouted after her, maneuvering around college kids to try and get to my friend.

Jaeger’s obnoxious laughter was the first thing I heard before I’d even gotten into the kitchen area. He was standing next to a freckled vampire with tanned skin and freckles. Obviously she wasn’t a real vampire, but her face…

_Not another one…_

"Marcy, Horse-face, this is Ymir," Jaeger said, making eye contact with me as though he were daring me to attack him. I narrowed my eyes and took a step forward. A hand on my collar held me back, however.

_Oh come on, Marce! Just one hit! That’s all I ask!_

“Hello,” Marcy started, still holding onto me as she smiled pleasantly at our host. "I'm Marcy, this is Jeanna. You're Ymir, right? Krista's girlfriend?"

Ymir’s smile was crooked and she nodded.  I could tell that she was already drunk, kinda like how I was planning on being once I was let loose. "Hehe, yup!” she said. “She said she'd be here..."

“Miri!” Krista’s little voice called through the crowd. The tiny witch broke through and jumped into her girlfriend’s arms. I had to admit, they were pretty cute.

The taller girl latched onto Krista, looping an arm around her waist and holding her close as she spoke. "Do you guys want drinks?" she asked. "There's beer, cola, other stuff.”

I tugged out of Marcy’s grasp and straightened out my jacket. I hadn’t been expecting so many people, so the leather was getting warm. But it wasn’t too bad yet.

"I'll get my own drink, thanks,” I said, glancing up at Marcy and nodding to the cooler. I groaned in irritation as I pried apart a couple that had been making out by the island. Marcy apologized to them from behind me.

All of the drinks in the cooler were cans. I dug through them, knowing that Marcy would just want a cola as usual. A smile tugged at my face when I found a Pepsi can. I tried reaching back and giving it to her, but I felt my knuckles hit something soft and fleshy. My eyes grew wide and I turned around to see Marcy nursing her right cheek.

"Fuck, sorry. I thought you were further back," I said, reaching out to her. I moved her hand out of the way so I could see the damage. My fingers grazed her cheek gently, not wanting to hurt her any more than I already had.

_It doesn’t look too bad… kinda blends in with the rest of her costume, at least._

My brows furrowed when I felt her face start to get warm. “I-I’m fine,” she said, pushing me away to rub at what I was should would eventually become a bruise. My eyes narrowed at what she said and she got defensive. "I'm okay, Jeanna! Seriously. I might have a bruise later or something, but it's not gonna kill me."

I could see the smile playing with the corners of her lips, which in turn made me smile a laugh a little at how cute she was. Even with the coincidental make-up.

“Kay then,” I said simply, reaching back into the cooler and pulling a random beer can. Marcy raised a brow at this and I could tell what she was probably thinking. "Ah geez. Come on Marce, my parents are traditional to the core. I've been drinking wine at dinner since I was in middle school, and when I turned sixteen my dad stopped caring. Legal ages are different overseas."

She didn’t say anything, simply keeping the same expression as she cracked open her soda can. Marcy sighed, breath catching in her throat as it caught with the smoke in the air. I kept an eye on her as she coughed.

The two of us found a spot by the wall in the living room, Marcy leaning against the wall while I stood in in front of her. The alcohol made me loose-lipped and I started rambling while Marcy asked me questions. I went off about the move again, and at some point started complaining about Jason. My drinks went down quickly and after some time I’d gone back and forth for new cans a couple of times.

There was a buzz in my skull as I shifted standing positions, staring at my now empty can. "I'm gonna get another drink. Do you need me to bring you back something?"

Marce glanced down at her can for a moment, shaking her head. “No, I’m good.”

I nodded at this. "Kay. I'll be back in a sec."

She laughed at me as I nearly tripped on the rug on my way to the kitchen. My cheeks grew warm out of embarrassment.

_Damn you and your adorable freckles. Wait… Should I be calling her adorable? Is that okay? Because she really is cute. And awesome in general._

A sigh fell from my lips and I gave up on my dumb thoughts, blaming my confusing sexuality on the alcohol at that point. “Jeanna, you’re hopeless and drunk,” I mumbled to myself, reaching back to rub at the back of my neck. I was starting to sweat, my shirt sticking to my back a bit. Realizing this made me grimace.

That expression fell pretty quickly at the sight before me. My eyes grew wide at the sight of Armin being pinned against the counter by a very drunk Eren. The blonde’s face was flushed and I knew it wasn’t because of any alcohol.

“What the hell?” I said, tossing my can into the trash bin. Jaeger turned slightly to face me, brows knitted together in irritation.

“What do you want Kirschtien?” he questioned, his words slurring as he took a step away from Armin. The smaller kid was looking down at the ground, his bangs creating a wall between me and being able to see his face.

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Mind if I talk to our friend there?”

Armin moved to get away and didn’t give Eren a chance to say anything as he escaped. I was gentle as I lead him to the other corner of the kitchen.

“What was that?” I asked.

“H-He’s just drunk,” he said, as though it were justification for anything. “He won’t remember any of this tomorrow anyways.”

My eyes narrowed at him. “Armin, you know what I mean.” He avoided meeting my gaze. “Look, I’ve known you were gay since middle school. And I’ve known you like Eren since before that. But I don’t want to see you get hurt. We were pretty good friends three years ago. I'd like to think there's still some friendship somewhere. Like, if anything happens between you guys tonight and he doesn’t remember later, then I don’t want it to hurt you.”

He gave me a slight smile, looking up at me a bit. “Y-Yeah… thanks.”

I nodded, easing up on him and relaxing. “You should probably start giving him water now. How many beers has he had by now?”

“I can’t remember,” he admitted.

A short laugh fell from my lips. “Yeah, start him on water cause your roommate’s gonna be dealing with a helluva hangover after tonight.”

Another nod and an exchange of smiles and I took him back over to Jaeger. I kept an eye on the two until I could tell Armin was able to take control.

Getting another beer completely forgotten about, I started back into living room with a cup of water from the tap. I sipped at it absentmindedly until I heard a slap. My gaze shot straight up to Marcy, to make sure it wasn’t her.

But the guy holding her down and the blank stare on her face told me otherwise.

My grip on the plastic cup tightened until it was crushed, water going everywhere as rage surged through me, as well as adrenaline.

"Get the fuck away from her!" I screamed, charging at the guy and punching him in the face. Doing so got him to let go of her and allow me to knock his legs out from under him, getting him to fall on his back. Being drunk, it was obviously confusing for him to find that he was being beaten up by a girl. I didn’t stop kicking the guy until Bertholdt dragged me away, a beefy blonde guy coming around to take care of the jack-ass.

“Jeanna, stop,” Bertholdt said, his voice gentle. It got me to calm down a little and I breathed deeply, working on controlling myself. Once I’d calmed down enough he let me go, putting a hand on my shoulder as he glanced at Marcy, who was still frozen in place. “She needs you. Get her out of here.”

My brows furrowed, the meaning behind his words not entirely clear. But nevertheless I moved to my friend and reached out to her. She was shaking, her gaze still distant. She stayed like that even after I dragged her outside. I closed the doors behind us, separating us from that part of the world.

“Marcy,” I said, waving a hand in front of her face. She still looked blank. My heart beat quickened and I swallowed my fear, scared the guy might have done something. I kept repeating her name, touching her shoulders. After another minute she finally came back to reality, furrowing her brows at me.

“Why are you yelling?” she asked, genuinely confused.

My jaw fell at this. "Oh my god, what the hell is going on with you!? I just spent like two minutes trying to get your attention!"

I instantly regretted yelling at her like that, because she went stiff, eyes widening as though she knew what I was talking about now. An expression I couldn’t read crossed her face and she started crying, tears trickling slowly down her cheeks. Marcy wobbled and I reached out to her again, helping her to sit down on the porch steps.

“I-I’m sorry,” she said, voice shaking as she buried her face in her hands. "I'm sorry, I-I didn't... I just. God... I-I feel like I'm gonna be sick." Her arms moved to hold her torso and she closed her eyes tight.

“Woah, okay,” I said, not expecting that. I sat down beside her, putting a hand on her back beneath the fake wings. I rubbed gentle circles against her spine as she sucked in a shaky breath. “Easy, Marce. Just, like, try and breathe. You're okay, I'm here now. Just try to relax."

She nodded and swallowed, her breathing gradually returning to normal and her stomach seeming to settle. A few minutes passed and she stared down at the ground.

“It was like before,” she said quietly, words barely a whisper.

My brows furrowed. “What do you mean before?” I asked, pulling my hand back when she seemed to be stable.

"Nearly two years ago,” she breathed, holding herself. Her eyes closed again. “When that guy slapped me, it was like before."

The confused expression I wore remained as I leaned closer to her, trying to meet her lowered gaze. "Marcy, you're not making any sense," I tried, speaking gently still.

She was quiet for a few moments, as though piecing together what she wanted to say beforehand. I was completely taken aback by the question that she asked me.

Marcy’s leg started bouncing up and down and she straightened out her back, looking out across the street. Sucking in a shaky breath, she said, "You know that song you played for me the other day? 'Face Down'?"

_Huh?_

My face pinched at the seemingly random question. "The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus one? Yeah, what of it?"

Another moment of silence. Her leg kept shaking as she cleared her throat. "About two years ago I was the girl the song's about."

 _What!?_ My jaw dropped and I stared at her. _The… the girl in that song was beaten by her boyfriend… fuck, don’t tell me…_

"My first and last boyfriend, Tristan,” she started. “He was a nice guy at first. H-he was a senior and I was retaking my freshman classes. I didn't think much about the age difference. He made me smile and told these weird jokes that didn't make sense to anyone. But... he was violent.”

_Oh my god._

She continued, “When we were alone he'd slap me if I said something he didn't like. He'd punch me and then apologize profusely. I was stupid and I'd forgive him. But then... one day..."

_This is wrong, she’s gonna end up crying again. I don’t want her to cry!_

"Marcy, you don't have to say anything else," I said, reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder.

She shook her head insistently. "No!” she started, a little loud. She caught herself and started again. “N-no, I want to. Y-you should know..."

I stared at her as she spoke. Her leg kept bouncing almost uncontrollably. Part of me want to rest my hand on her knee, see if I could get her to stop. But I held back and listened.

"I was about to break-up with him,” she began. “It was storming outside and I was talking to him after school. When he asked me why, I told him it was because I liked someone else. His eyes narrowed and then he asked who. I was terrified, but then I came out and told him it was because I liked my friend, Kari. A girl."

My eyes widened. _Oh wow, so she_ isn’t _straight._

_That doesn’t matter right now, pay attention._

She was quiet for a second and I could see tears falling down her cheeks, the porch light causing them to shine against the make-up. My breath caught in my throat, sticking even after I swallowed.

Again she spoke. "H-he went into this rage; called me a fag and all these other slurs I'd never heard before. I-I don't even remember what happened, but I do remember waking up in a hospital. I had stitches and bandages covering my torso, and I couldn't even move my right arm it was so badly damaged." I watched as Marcy rubbed at the aforementioned appendage. I’d never have noticed had she not brought it up, but it was a lighter color than her left, and as I looked over her I realized that the discoloration and slightly different texture stretched up her shoulder as well, returning to normal close to her collar bone. "They thought I'd never be able to use it again, but I pulled through. The skin on my right side is mostly scar tissue now. E-everything changed from then on,” she stammered. “The PTSD made storms and loud sounds worse, and I was always on guard. Playing piano was so hard during the recovery, and I had to retrain my muscles to do what I wanted. I never saw Kari again, and my parents home-schooled me for a while, until this year. I told them I wanted to go back to school, so they sent me to TA. Someplace where they thought I'd be safe."

_So that’s the real reason why she’s at the Academy._

“God… I’m sorry, Marcy,” I said after a moment, trailing off a bit. What the hell was I supposed to say? I wasn’t a therapist. I was horrible with people. For years I’d ended up shoving everyone away from me.

Marcy was looking off into the distance when I glanced at her. She looked like she was controlling her breathing; shaking slightly, but otherwise stable again.

“How are you so strong?” I said before I could stop myself. I bit on my tongue as she glanced up at me.

Her brows were furrowed. “What do you mean?”

"The only relationship you were ever in was a disaster,” I started, a bit frustrated that she didn’t see it. “The guy fucking beat you up, put you in the goddamn hospital. Now here you are. PTSD aside you're amazing!"

Marcy shook her head again, cheeks flushed. “No,” she said. “Trust me, I’m not.”

"Yes! You are!” I insisted. She stared at me wide eyed as I shifted to face her better. “Marcy, most people end up destroying themselves after shit like that. Suicide, cutting, drugs, and other shit. But you're sitting here alive, healthy, skin free of self-mutilation." I reached out and took hold of her left wrist, running my fingers against the completely smooth skin, then did the same with the right. The massive scar the encompassed her entire arm was noticeable now, and I let my fingertips graze the surface.

_She’s so strong._

I took hold of her hand in both of mine and rested my forehead on top of them. "Marcy, you are amazing,” I said carefully. “You're the strongest person I know."

There were so many things I wanted to tell her at that moment, and I blame some of it on the alcohol. I wanted to tell her how great she was. How I wished she could see herself the way I was seeing her at that moment. That particular thought made me very confused.

Friends admired other friends. Friends were allowed to think their friends were beautiful despite their scars. To think that they were incredible, and brilliant, and amazingly smart, and that if these thoughts go any further I’d end up doing something I’m pretty sure I’d regret.

_You’re drunk… yeah, that’s it… last time you were drunk like this you ended up making out with Hitch, so just try not to think too much…_

Marcy poked me in the side, causing me to squirm. Hearing the light laugh that she made caused my lips to tug into a smile. I shook my head at her and let out a sigh, relaxing as the tension between us eased. We sat there for a few moments in silence until I got curious.

"So…” I started, catching her attention. “You said you liked your friend. Does that mean you're bi or something?"

She looked away again, biting on her lower lip and fuck was it cute. "Yup, pretty much. I don't tell people, because of what happened. I'm afraid of how they'll react..."

Curiosity piqued, I asked, "Were you afraid to tell me too?"

Marcy cringed, giving me an answer before she even said anything. “…yeah.”

“Dude, seriously!?” I exclaimed, staring at her and a little bit hurt. "What, did you think I would ditch you or something? I don't care about that. I mean, get why you be reluctant to talk about your ex considering, but seriously. You're my best friend, you can tell me anything." I let the smirk return and held out my arms to her, getting closer. "Now get over here, you dork."

Marcy was stiff when I put my arms around her shoulders, but eventually relaxed and let her head fall against my collar. My thumb brushed over her shoulder and she melted into me, pressing against my torso. I didn’t mind, because the flowers had returned and I couldn’t help but notice it.

“Hey Jeanna?” she started.

“Yeah, Marce?” I replied.

"You're my best friend too,” she said, a smile in her voice. “And thanks."

I laughed a little at this. _You don’t have to thank me._

“No problem.”

We sat there for a little while longer, moving only when Krista ran out. The door slammed open, making Marcy jump. The hold I had on her tightened and I narrowed my eyes at the little blonde witch.

"Oh my god, are you two okay!?" she asked, frantic.

“Yeah, we are,” I said. As reluctant as I was to do so, I let Marcy go and we pulled away from each other.

Krista sighed in relief. "Good. Miri and I just heard what happened, about the guy going after Marcy. She's in there now, beating the guy to a pulp, I think. Do you want me to drive you guys back to the dorms? I'm still sober, so nothing will happen if I drive."

"Y-yeah, if you don't mind," my best friend said. Marcy palmed at her face and nodded, looking at her hand to see if the make-up had come away. She still looked brutally injured and a part of my wondered if she’d looked like that after the major incident. The thought made me feel sick to my stomach and I decided at that point that I would make it my goal in life to make sure that Marcy was safe and sound for as long as I could be around her.

I almost didn’t hear Krista say, "Okay. I'm going to tell Ymir, I'll come right back." My gaze was locked on Marcy again and I had a feeling that I’d be able to get her to stay the night in my dorm. Maybe watch a movie after we got the make-up off of our faces. She’d left some night clothes in my room, so that wouldn’t be an issue.

 _Maybe we can have a little bit of peace tonight,_ I thought, smiling at her when she wasn’t looking.

The blonde returned with her girlfriend shortly.

"I'm so sorry about that guy," Ymir said. She reached up to her mouth and pulled out the fake vampire fangs that were clipped to her canines. "He was a party crasher, and according to some of the others they said that he's done shit like that before. I'll make sure Reiner keeps a closer eye on the door if we ever do this again."

Marcy nodded. “It’s f-… I-it's okay. It's alright now, so... yeah,” she stammered. Part of me was confused about why she didn’t say ‘fine’, but then I remembered that I’d told her not to say that.

Ymir nodded as well. "Still, I'm sorry. I'm a host after all. And I hate owing people favors. Seriously. If there's any way I can make this up to you, just say so."

Another nod from Marce. “Sure.”

Krista moved forward to get our attention. “Come on, guys. I’ll drive you home.”

“I’m coming with,” Ymir declared. The little blonde smiled and stood on her toes to kiss her girlfriend.

The two started down the sidewalk, going off about something random. I ignored them as I stood up, my attention once again returning to Marcy. She seemed to be shivering, and for good reason. The temperature had dropped.

“Marce,” I said, grabbing her attention. I pulled off the leather jacket and nodded to her. “Pull off the wings, you're freezing."

She licked at her lips and nodded, pulling off the little angel wings and holding them in her hands as I draped the jacket across her shoulders. The inside was pretty warm so I figured it’d be more than welcome.

The two of us got into Krista’s van, sitting in the middle this time. I yawned as soon as I sat down, the long night finally catching up to me. We’d already been there for a handful of hours, but I was still ready to get back to my dorm. Preferably with Marcy.

She didn’t say anything when I leaned on her shoulder. In fact, she rested her cheek on my head when I did that. It was peaceful, and as I hummed the song she’d written I could feel her relaxing.

_Good. No more tears. No more doing things alone. I’m here for you, and as ironic as it may be for me to say, I never want you to be alone again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, Jeanna isn't as straight as Marcy thinks she is. Lovely, right? These two dorks are gonna be the death of me. This chapter is almost 10,000 words. Chapter 6 of the sister fic is like 13,000+ or something. Can't remember right now. 
> 
> But yeah! Anyone like the Eremin insert? They don't really become relevant for a while, but those two come up a bit more here. As opposed to _Don't Say Fine_ , where they came up during that relevancy bit. The good thing about doing these different PoVs is that I can give you guys more story. It's also a lot more fun to write. Time consuming and painful, but fun ^_^
> 
> As usual, I love comments. Kudos are always nice, but I appreciate feedback so I can learn what I need to do to improve. I've been writing fics for around three years, there is always room for improvement.
> 
> But either way, leave something or don't. Almost at 400 hits on this one guys~  
> Take care, darlings <3


	6. You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's amazing how much can happen over the course of a few weeks...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy fucking shit, hello my friends. This insanity took so friggin' long to write O_O
> 
> Whew, well anyways! I've been working on this for a long while and I hope it's good! Over 15,000 words in total and it's kept me up 'til 1:00 several times. My muse is nocturnal, so...  
> Also a little note that while I may have taken two semesters of French, I don't know the language. Jeanna slips a bit so blame the translating sites I used for shitty mistakes ._.  
> And let it be known that I am the master of sexualities and that this genius is being projected through my favorite blond character~
> 
> Anyways! I won't keep you any longer ^_^
> 
>  **Links**  
> [My tumblr](http://hopeless-alchemist.tumblr.com/)  
> [Marcy's POV for this chapter](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1585286/chapters/3800020)  
> [The song that inspired the title of this chapter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8xDOP-MAJA). Doesn't really fit, but I like the title and it's Mayday Parade so it's guaranteed to be awesome

* * *

 

 

Despite everything that had happened at the Halloween party and the weird fluttery feeling that just wouldn’t go away, Marcy and I carried on as usual for a long while.

Now that light had been shed on Marcy and her PSTD, I’d started to become hyperaware when I was around her. I made a conscious effort to make sure I didn’t do anything that would cause a lot of sudden sounds. Which wasn’t as hard as it initially would have sounded.

I was also hyperaware in other ways. Ever since the party there was a spot in the back of my mind where I would go back to when we were sitting out on the porch. How amazing she was, and strong. And also the scene from before when I’d been drinking. That same spot wanted me to have made a move at the time but I’d managed to ignore it then. With those thoughts getting to me, on top of more nightmares, things started getting chaotic in my head.

For a long time I’d prided myself on being the normal one; not on meds like the others I’d been acquainted with, average grades, semi-content with life because I had no clue what the hell I wanted to do. It was a dull existence, sure, but I didn’t think much of that. Then I got back to Trost, started going to the Academy, and the first student I hold a real conversation with turns into my best friend/person I maybe-kinda-sorta-definitely had developed a _little_ crush on. Just a little crush.

And the nightmares. Normal was destroyed with those. They’d progressively been getting worse and along with Marcy and our status as friends it tossed any semblance of normal that I’d previously been feeling out of the metaphorical window. All of a sudden the energy of things around me felt tense and thick, as though I had an invisible ball and chain attached to my ankle.

I managed to keep that normal appearance around Marcy, however. She didn’t need to worry about me, even if my ability to breathe normally after one of those dreams depended on whether or not she’d been over recently. It made me feel weak, like a child that slept in their parents’ bed. Though I’d never had that luxury growing up, so I could only imagine that that’s what it really felt like.

Keeping things from Marcy was terrifyingly easy. She's the kinda person that let whatever slivers of good outshine a person’s flaws. Which isn’t too bad until you remember that her kindness has gotten her hurt both physically and mentally.

A couple weeks into November I was reminded of this little fact. Marcy had stayed over that Friday, same as we always did every week, and we’d been watching the Lord of The Rings movies. Let it be known that I have a weakness for fantasy and gay hobbits (because let’s face it, every one of them had a thing for another. It’s hilarious). We’d ended up in a wrestling match for the remote because of my tiny bladder.

"Come on, dork,” I complained. “Hand it over. Or at least pause it. I need to piss.” 

My freckle faced friend snorted a laugh at this, her lips quirking upwards into a teasing smile. “Charming, aren’t you?” she commented.

Eyes narrowing, I looked up at her with a neutral expression. "Yeah, know what?” I started, “Fuck you and your sarcasm. Come on, Marce." I climbed into her lap, reaching up so that I could get the remote from her stretched arms.

At some point I ended up straddling the poor girl and that really creepy spot in the back of my mind tried to convince me to make a move of some sort. But that’d be bad because we were just friends…

Turns out I wouldn’t have had a chance to make any kind of move either way, because Marcy had dropped the remote and clamped her arms around my torso. The two of us rolled off of the bed to the floor, Marcy laughing the whole time while I struggled to try and escape.

“God dammit!” I cried out, squirming and struggling against her.

Marcy kept laughing at me. "Hahaha! You gotta fight me for that remote now," she teased.

_Fight you? I don’t really want to, but okay. Bring it on._

I kicked at her legs, twisting our limbs together and trying to flip myself over. It distracted her long enough for me to get an arm free. I latched onto one of her arms, the right on, twisted it behind her and forcing her face down on the floor. I sat on her back while I continued to pull her arm back and keep her in place.

"Oww! Ow ow ow!" she cried out. "Agh! God dammit, Jeanna!"

A smile pulled at my face. “Victory!” I cheered, grinning at her even though I knew she couldn’t tell. “Finally! I finally pinned you! Hahaha! Yes!”

“Yes! You win!” Marcy said, grimacing. Her other arm was pinned under my left leg and my grip tightened on her wrist when I felt her try to pull away. "Now come down from your high horse, before you dislocate my arm from my shoulder!"

Sneering, I gave her a tug. "Who are you callin' a horse!?"

"Agh-oww! Jeanna!" she cried out. "Come on, you already won! Now let me go!"

I did as told and let go of her arms. I didn’t move otherwise, continuing to sit on her even as she flipped over, resulting in me straddling her hips. Marcy just glared at me, her cheeks colored pink from what I thought to be exhaustion.

“So what now?” she said eventually, rubbing at her nose.

"Well, I still have to pee. But I've always wondered..." My gaze travelled down her torso to where her pink cami was riding up and I could see her stomach. Marcy’s face paled as a grin tugged at mine. “Are you ticklish?”

Those whiskey brown eyes of hers widened and she started to back away. “Oh god.”

"Ahaha! Oh yes!" I cheered, snatching both of her wrists with my left hand and pinning them as my right attacked Marcy, fingers digging into her soft skin and against her ribs. She cried out and squirmed against me.

“Jeanna! Stop it!” she gasped at some point, barely able to breathe between chortles. She kicked out and slammed her knees against my ass, not doing much to faze me honestly. When I let go of her hands and she caved in on herself, trying to defend against me.

I reached out and started for her underarms, about to wreak havoc on her. But the moment I felt the skin on her right side I froze, going stiff when I remembered about her scar.

Marcy realized it too and we both went still, me still straddling her and Marcy staring at me as she tried to catch her breath. I could tell she felt guilty. We’d just been having fun and something against our control had killed that happy moment.

"I-I'm gonna go to the bathroom..." I said eventually, getting off of her. I brushed my now loose hair behind my ears and went to the door, closing it gently behind me.

I stood against the wall for a moment, catching my breath as I pressed my shoulders to the drywall. _Way to go, dumbass… If you’d pretended as though nothing was different then this wouldn’t be happening right now._

I was back in the dorm a couple minutes later. That dork was splayed out on the floor, staring at the ceiling. Her shirt was riding up and I could see most of her stomach and the freckles that speckled most of it, as well as the discolored section of skin by her right hip. I laughed at the sight of her as I went to the fridge, pulling out a soda can and tossing it onto her stomach. She let out a squeak and I laughed again, sitting on the bed.

"Come on, dork. Get up here," I said.

Marcy smiled and nodded, brushing back dark brown hair as she got up and sat beside me.

Amazingly we’d managed to finish the movies, but we slept ‘til almost noon in the aftermath. I’d apparently kicked her off of the bed at some point, which brought down the sheets and a couple pillows. When Marcy eventually went back to her dorm I tried cleaning up.

‘Tried’ being the keyword, it was very hard. I was still tired when Marcy left, and as I gathered the fallen pillows and sheets I felt like getting more sleep. I could smell flowers again and I was almost asleep when I realized what I was doing.

_What the hell!? You didn’t even have a nightmare this time, why the fuck are you cuddling a pillow!? You never do that when things are normal!_

My eyes snapped open and I stared at the pillow my arms were wrapped around. Swallowing hard, I tossed it across the room so that it landed by my dresser. I was shaking from the nerves and I stared at it, a million thoughts torturing my mind.

_This is just wrong. This is soooo fucked up. What the hell is wrong with me!?_

Reaching to my night table for my phone, I held it in my hands for a long time. The light from the screen stung my eyes, causing me to squint. I just stared for a while, until the timer turned it back off and I had to turn it back on.

_What the hell am I doing? Who the fuck could I even talk to about any of this?_

“ _Merde_ ,” I found myself swearing and my hands clenched into fists, my right gripping my phone. Then I realized what I’d said.

It was French. I slipped into _French_ of all things. I fucking hate French; that pretentious fucking language that I had to study my sophomore year even though I speak it fucking fluently. The teacher was a pain in the ass and it made my hatred for everything even stronger.

I groaned and flopped back on my bed. This was bad. That fluttery feeling from before had come back tenfold. No, one hundredfold or some shit. It was hard to breathe so I held my breath as closed my eyes, flopping my arm across my face.

_There’s no way. None. You’ve never liked anyone before. Never. Not once have you ever had a dumb crush. Why now? Why her?_

_Because it’s her…_

“ _Baise_ ,” I swore, slipping into French again. “Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.”

My affection towards Marcy was getting to me now, catching up. From the time I’d first taken care of her to the party to just last night, we’d grown closer and closer. I’d always found her cute, but that had to be normal. She was precious. A smart ass and a little shit, but she was the nicest person I knew. She was selfless and tried so hard to be strong so she wouldn’t worry those around her. 

_Maybe I’m just going insane? Maybe I’m sick?_

_Pft, yeah. More like lovesick._

I grabbed my phone again and opened up my contacts for someone to talk to. Luckily, there was someone sitting at the top of the list.

**To: Armin  
-hey man r u doing anything today???**

Pressing send, I flopped back against the one good pillow I still had. I swallowed when I heard a buzz and felt my phone vibrate against my hands.

**From: Armin  
-Yeah, why?**

**To: Armin  
-no reason, just wanna ask u something**

**From: Armin  
-Something you obviously want to talk about in person.**

I let out a groan and swallowed.

**To: Armin  
-come on man, r u free or what?**

**From: Armin  
-Yes, I’m free.**

**To: Armin  
-then can u meet me someplace? dont care where**

**From: Armin  
-There’s a little coffee place by the Maria dorms. Can you meet me there?**

**To: Armin  
-yeah sounds great. ill meet u there in half an hour**

**From: Armin  
-Ok**

Letting out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding, I ran my hands through my hair. I snapped back into reality quickly enough and got off of the bed, moving quickly to change. I pulled on a pair of skinny jeans, a bra, a random t-shirt, my black hoodie, and my converse. My hair was easy enough to fix and I made a mental note of the shaved bit. I’d give it a trim later tonight.

Armin was waiting outside when I eventually got to the shop. The kid was well dressed as usual, wearing a button-up and a knit sweater while a pair of glasses perched on his nose. He was like me and didn’t usually wear glasses, but he adjusted the thin wire frames as I came up to him.

“Is everything okay?” he asked me, brows furrowed.

“I, uh,” I stammered, not exactly sure how to respond to that. “Kinda.”

“Do you want to go inside?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yeah, please.”

The two of us went inside. Because of the late hour there weren’t many people around. We both ordered coffee, black. It was interesting to learn that Armin didn’t care for sweets.

We sat by the window in silence for a few moments, taking small sips of our coffee until we could drink it properly.

“So what’s wrong?” he asked gently, looking up at me thoughtfully. Those piercing blue eyes of his met my gaze and held it until I couldn’t look at him anymore. My gaze fell on my coffee and I stared at it as I tried to piece together my thoughts.

“How… how did you figure out that… you were gay?” I asked, keeping my voice low.

His expression pinched in surprise. “Why do you ask?”

I shifted uncomfortably, not meeting his gaze. “There was an incident a few months ago and I… ended up making out with another girl. Um, I didn’t exactly… dislike it? But like, it was a one-time thing so I ignored it. And now things have, uh, happened recently and I think I might have a crush on a girl.”

A knowing look fell on his face, lips upturned slightly in a gentle smile. “You mean Marcy?”

My breath caught in my throat and I swallowed, bringing my coffee up to my lips. The hot, bitter liquid didn’t help at all but I felt like I needed to drink something.

I started to speak again. “Um… y-yeah…”

He nodded and sipped at his own drink. His smile didn’t falter as he pushed his glasses up higher on the bridge of his nose. “Well, let’s start from the beginning. What are your feelings towards her?”

Licking at my lips, I was quiet again. “I think she’s really attractive, and smart, and incredibly strong. You… you heard about what happened at the party, right?”

Armin’s brows furrowed behind his bangs. “Yeah, of course.”

“Well, there’s a reason she froze when the guy hit her,” I started, staring out the window. There were clouds in the sky, but they weren’t grey quite yet. “She was in an abusive relationship a while back, and it left her with a lot of scars, mostly mental.”

Blue eyes widening, he stared at me through his lenses. I kept my gaze on the clouds, watching the gentle way they shifted.

“Dude, you have no clue how strong she is,” I breathed. “It’s incredible. I want to be strong like her. And I want to protect her, so she doesn’t end up in that situation ever again.”

“I see,” he said, finally catching my gaze. He closed his eyes as he thought. “It seems as though you already know you have a crush on her, but I’m assuming that you texted me in an attempt to make sense of why you have a crush on her. Sexuality wise, I mean.”

Nodding again, I licked at my lips. “Like, I know I’m not straight. But I’m not… then what the hell am I?”

“I hope you realize that there’s a wide variety of sexualities,” he said. I just stared, waiting for him to elaborate. “It’s not black and white. There’s being gay and straight, but there’s more than just that. There’s bisexual, pansexual…”

“Woah, what?” I stopped him there. “Pansexual?”

“Yes, and if you make a joke about cooking utensils I’m leaving,” he said, completely serious.

“N-No, I’m not making any jokes,” I said.

He nodded. “Good. Pansexual is attraction to all genders.”

My brows furrowed. “You mean there’s more than just boy and girl?”

“Yes. There’s genderfluid, which is being both depending. And agender, which is a lack of gender.”

_Damn…_

“Anyways, there’s also asexual which is a lack of sexual attraction. It can be broken down into sublevels of grey and demi. Grey means rarely experience attraction. And demi means you experience attraction only after forming a close bond with someone. In most cases it’s like saying you’re attracted to specific people because of the relationship you already have with them.”

I slumped in my seat. “Well fuck.”

Armin smiled. “It gets better. There’s also romantic attraction, which is self-explanatory and can also be divided into categories of homo, hetero, pan, ace, and so on. It gets pretty elaborate.”

“So what are you?” I asked him, sitting straighter.

“I’m gay,” he said simply. “Homosexual as well as romantic.”

I let out a little groan. “I bet you’ve known that for a while now.”

He let out a short laugh. “Well, it’s not like we can’t find somewhere for you to fit,” he said.

I started thinking, tapping my foot on the linoleum as I did so.

“I find both boys and girls attractive, and I didn’t hate it when I made out with Hitch,” I thought out loud, tilting my head back to look up at the ceiling. “But Marcy’s the only one I’ve felt like this towards. Like, the whole wanting to be the one to protect her thing.”

Armin nodded thoughtfully as I spoke, taking these things into account. “Only Marcy? No one else?”

“Mhm,” I hummed, reaching for my coffee again. “I didn’t have any crushes or whatever on people before. Like, I found them attractive because people are attractive. But I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with any of them.”

“But you can with Marcy,” he said.

Again I nodded. “It’s really weird,” I started, staring at the distorted reflection in the cup I was holding. “Being friends with someone that you’ve only known for a short period of time and things you’ve never felt before coming up… She’s special, even if she doesn’t seem like it.”

“The two of you spend Friday nights together, right?” he said. I nodded in response. “I read somewhere that after sleeping with someone, normal sleeping mind you, you’ll feel safer with the person you were with when you wake up. So maybe after the two of you slept together, that caused a bond of some sort to form between the two of you. It’s all psychology.”

I stared at him. The first Friday after I’d known Marcy had ended with us sleeping in my bed, and from there we’d become fast friends. Did that have anything to do with this?

_Don’t make me second guess myself. I know that I find Marcy extremely beautiful, scars be damned. She’s pretty, smart, her sense of humor is adorable, and I completely snapped when that guy hit her. I want to protect her and only her._

“Dammit,” I growled, setting the cup back down and slumping forward against the little table. “It’s Marcy and only Marcy. That dumb freckled dork.”

The blond watched me closely. “I think you may be demisexual and romantic,” he said, sipping at his coffee. “It seems as though before now you’ve found people attractive, but aesthetic attraction is normal. Based on your desire to connect only with Marcy on the level that you’re talking about, I think you’re definitely demi.”

I looked up at him. A name. It had a name. With that it felt as though a weight was lifted from my shoulders and I sat up, returning to my lukewarm coffee.

“Thanks,” I said after a moment of silence. Armin frowned and his head tilted to the side slightly. “Like, I didn’t really know about any of that. It’s pretty cool that you do.”

He smiled at me. “The internet is an amazing place.”

“That it is,” I agreed, laughing lightly. “You’re planning on going into psychology once we all get to the university, right?”

Armin’s smile widened. “Yeah! It’s a really cool topic, learning about how people think and stuff like that.”

I smiled and started finishing off my coffee, just letting him ramble. It was nice. My sexuality had a name, and Armin and I were back to being friends. It was a good day.

**-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-**

My newfound label seemed to be pretty fitting. After Armin had given me his opinion and we parted ways, I looked up demisexual online to try to make a little more sense of it. As Armin suspected, it seemed as though this was the proper way to define what was going on. Reading about people like me and going into more detail about it made that weight lift even more.

Unfortunately, despite everything there were still some loose ends I needed to tie up; AKA the person who had been assigned to be my boyfriend.

Jason hadn’t said much to me in a while, and it was like a breath of fresh air when he finally stopped being such a pain in the ass. I hadn’t heard from him in a couple weeks and I savored every moment of peace I got. That peace vanished rather quickly, sadly.

I don’t know why he started texting me again. I ignored him for a while, but as the days dragged on he kept getting more and more persistent. I debated blocking his cell phone number, but quickly decided against it. Instead I tossed it in a drawer of my desk and left it there.

At school I was pleasantly surprised to learn of a thing called a Fall Carnival. It was a thing that the Uni students put together for the whole town and the surrounding areas. Because this side of Trost was mainly the schools, the students took advantage of the close proximity and spent a weekend attending (and knowing the group I was acquainted with, I was probably going to be dragged there). The teachers wouldn’t give any homework, which was a cool deal whether or not you actually planned on going to the thing.

The downside was that some of the clubs at the Academy got involved. Namely the music club. When Marcy and I got down to the basement the Tuesday afternoon the week before, we were shocked to find that her piano (I knew it as hers, because until then the music club had done nothing with it) had vanished, leaving nothing more than marks on the dusty floor where it had once been and where it’d been dragged out.

“Well, this fucks up our routine,” I commented, staring into the empty room. The lighting still sucked and with the lack of light it almost reminded me of a dusty basement in a horror movie. I tried to not think too much about that…

Marcy scoffed. “No kidding. What are we supposed to do for an hour now?”

_Hm…_

I stepped into the middle of the room, dropping my backpack down and sitting on the floor. “Get in here,” I said, digging through my bag for my sketchbook and pencils. I glanced up and waved her in. “Come on, you dork.”

The freckle face did as requested and came into the room. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Just sit.” I reached into my bag again, this time for my iPod. Because I’d left my phone in the drawer, I was reliant on the less powerful device. I tugged the earbuds out and set it on the floor in front of me.

“What are you doing?” she repeated, sitting in front of me. I tried my best to act like I didn’t notice her grey hoodie ride up and that her bare hips weren’t distracting me.

_You’re not making this easy, you know…_

I pulled myself back together quickly. "We've been friends for a little more than a month, and during that time we've listened to almost all the songs on my iPod,” I started, turning the aforementioned device on while a smile pulled at my lips. "We have an hour, so we're going to play Guess the Song."

Her face pinched. “Guess the what?”

“Song,” I supplied for her. “I'll start a song and you have to name it before they say the title in the lyrics."

Marcy teased a strand of her dark hair between her fingers, fidgeting as she spoke. "What about when the titles aren't lyrics, like Fall Out Boy?"

_Ah, I’ve taught you well!_

“Then you have a minute to guess,” I replied, the smile on my face probably the dumbest thing in the world at that point. “Trust me, it's fun. I'll start with an easy one."

I pressed play when I found and easy enough song. The cheerful piano notes echoed off of the walls around us.

"Welcome To The Black Parade," she said almost automatically. It was impressive, though it was expected.

“Yup,” I said, smile far from fading. “Next.”

Marcy’s expression tugged into a smile as I started the next song. “If It Means A Lot To You,” she said.

I nodded and pressed the next button again. It landed on a _Piece The Veil_ song. Disasterology was a favorite of mine. Marcy’s brow rose when she heard it.

“Argh,” she groaned, putting her head in her hands as Vic started singing. “I know this one!”

I laughed at her and set to working in the sketchbook I’d pulled out. My pencil skritched across the paper, starting out the base I always used when drawing people.

It’s obvious who my model was…

We went through the whole song, me humming along while Marcy tried to figure it out. At the end of it she fell sideways on the floor, no longer quite as good a model. She puffed out a sigh, causing the same strand of hair she’d previously been playing with to shift. “God dammit,” she groaned.

I laughed at her. “Haha! Wow, Marce.”

She made a face at me, her nose scrunching up and causing some freckles to hide in the creases. "Meh. Whatever,” she sighed, sitting up. “What's the next one?"

My pencil tapped against my sketchbook as I thumbed through albums, trying to find something. My lips pulled into a grin when I found something. "If you don't get this one, I'm leaving your ass here and never speaking to you again."

She furrowed her brows at me and the expression remained as I hit play, the sound of an acoustic guitar bouncing off of the walls this time. Her face softened quickly though, and I scrambled to take a mental snapshot of the look on her face. My pencil started scratching at the paper again.

“I was not expecting this to start playing,” she said.

I kept my eyes on the sketch in front of me, rubbing at the paper with my index finger to create a natural shadow under drawing-Marcy’s chin. “You know the title?” I confirmed, stopping to move onto other details.

"Of course I know it. Your Guardian Angel," she responded. A smile tugged at my face when I heard her sweet voice start humming along. It was a gentle song and even though it reminded me of the freckled boy, I still loved it.

I glanced up once, making sure I was getting proportions correct. The familiar floral smell knocked me into reality and I jumped slightly when Marcy leaned forward to try and see what I was drawing.

“What are you drawing?” she asked, getting dangerously close to my sketchbook. I held it tight to my chest, and looked at her with wide eyes.

"Dude, no. I-it's not even done..." I stammered, not really finding a good excuse _._

_Because ‘don’t look, I’m drawing a picture of you and it’s embarrassing for reasons I won’t talk about’, doesn’t really sound like a plausible way to get her to drop the matter…_

Marcy furrowed her brows at me. “So?” she asked, clearly not getting anything.

My gaze on her hardened, maybe a bit too much, as I huffed. "I don't like showing people my art, okay? You should feel honored that I let you see those doodles a couple weeks back."

She frowned but didn’t push anything. For that I was grateful.

We kept on like that, me drawing while quizzing Marcy on songs. At some point we switched and I trusted her with my iPod as I continued to sketch, naming every single song that she tested me with.

After the hour was up we packed up and moved on, resuming our routine. I ended up paying for our food this time, but I didn’t really mind.

**-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-**

They were getting worse.

I woke up gasping for breath at nearly 2:00 in the morning, a nauseous feeling in my stomach. I felt as though I was going to throw up, but I didn’t then. I just sat on my bed, knees drawn to my chest and my eyes pressed tight against them as tears escaped from beneath my eyelids. They ran down my cheeks when I lifted my head and I cried in the deafening silence.

The sight of it… The smell… I could fucking _smell_ it. That stench of burning flesh. Burning _human_ flesh, of all things. And it was _him_ that was burning! Remembering made my stomach lurch and I jumped off of my bed, catching my trash can before I puked all over the floor. My throat burned as I vomited into it, the smell and taste in my mouth only making things worse. The nightmare blurred my vision along with more tears, bits and pieces of it coming forward and making the dim room hazy. I’d managed to turn my light on beforehand, to remind myself that I was safe. Nothing was going to happen to me.

But it was hard to believe that. The nightmare continued to torture me even after I’d awoken and I continued to cry. Once my stomach was empty, I kept heaving; my body trying its damnedest to get rid of everything. When it finally stopped I went to the fridge, pulling out a water bottle and welcoming the relief it offered my raw throat.

_This…. This is getting bad. I can’t handle this on my own. I may not be broken just yet, but I’m going to snap if this keeps up._

Among all of the things I felt at that point, the suffocating loneliness was the worst. Who could I tell? Mr. Smith couldn’t help with this. He was just a counselor. I could tell him, but what could he really do? Call my parents? Tell them I’ve gone nuts? Like hell. Nothing could help. I was going insane over nightmares about monsters and my dream-friends getting eaten by said monsters.

And then there was him…

I know his name now. Dream-me had said it before he broke down into sobs: Marco. The freckled boy’s name was Marco. His bones, or what was left of them, had been in dream-me’s hand; charred and blackened with ash from the bodies of the deceased. The ones that didn’t make it. And then when dream-me imagined that Marco’s spirit had come to him, all I could see was my best friend. Marcy… she was in his place instead and it hurt so much.

The whole time I felt useless. Completely and utterly useless. Because Marco had saved dream-me; allowed him to get away when he was cornered. And I couldn’t do anything to repay that favor.

But then it got really bad. It had been nearly a week since Marcy had been over, meaning that the usual flower pillow wasn’t around. I didn’t have an anchor to keep my steady, and when I woke up it felt as though I were still there. I could hardly breathe. Even after managing to turn on the light things still were horrible. The horrifying sense of a broken reality. The way I could feel and smell everything despite where my physical body was. These dreams couldn’t be normal. Normal dreams don’t do that. Normal dreams you can wake up from without feeling those things. Hell, a normal nightmare would have been welcome. Emphasis on the word ‘normal’. There was too much to these recurring nightmares that were the complete opposite of normal.

Normal means standard and common. Neither of those traits could be applied to the hell that left me quietly sobbing on the floor.

_I just want it to stop… I just want all of this to stop. I can’t do this anymore. Why are they getting worse? What did I do to deserve any of this? I can’t even sleep for more than a couple hours anymore. I feel like I’m going insane… Just stop…_

I closed my eyes, and tucked my knees to my chest again. Unwanted and extreme thoughts had found their way into my head, some involving the top right drawer of my desk.

“No, don’t you dare,” I whispered to myself. “Y-You’re sixteen, stop it. And Marcy. Don’t do that to her…”

It took a few minutes of talking to myself to finally come to my senses. So sleep was out of the question. But I didn’t have to sleep. I took a breath and pushed my hair away, moving to take care of the foul smelling trash. After I’d tied and taken the bag to the trash room down the hall, I returned and retrieved my sketchbook.

It was like the same scenes I’d drawn before. The buildings were similar, but the sky was dark and pushed the shadows at odd angles. The pyres in the center filled in some space with light, but after that basic sketch came the details. At some point I’d passed out into dreamless sleep.

Upon waking I felt like complete shit. My eyelids were heavy, my stomach and chest hurt, and my back was in pain from the poor sleeping position I’d been in. Regardless of my discomfort I showered, shaved and all that good stuff. I didn’t feel like doing much in terms of clothes; I just strapped on my bra, slipped on a random shirt, jeans, hoodie, shoes, and pulled my hair up.

My usual routine carried on as “normal”, though that word no longer seemed applicable to anything, until I got to school. I had my coffee, but I still nearly passed out in my first period class. The entire time I was in a half-asleep state. I had no clue what Mr. Berner had taught us, but by the end I made my way over to student services.

I didn’t know why I thought that it’d help to talk to him. Maybe it was because all my life I’d been told that counselors were the good guys. That they were there to help. But until recently I’d only ever gone there when my parents wanted me to do so, and as I found myself skipping my second period I started to figure out what I wanted to say.

Those thoughts were interrupted when I saw Petra standing behind the office desk.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, causing her to jump and hold the files in her arms to her chest. The little ginger let out a sigh and tried to relax.

“I got a job here,” she said, setting down the office work and straightening out her clothes. Her brows furrowed when she saw me. “Are you okay?”

“Kinda,” I admitted, my hand reaching up to rub at my neck. “I, uh… I was hoping if I could talk to Mr. Smith?”

Petra nodded, offering a gentle smile. “You can go on ahead. He isn’t doing anything right now.”

I smiled slightly and shifted my backpack straps, adjusting how they rested on my shoulders before going down the hall. Once again his nameplate stared me in the face, the blocky white letters making my chest feel tight.

 _Just breathe Jeanna,_ I told myself.

Once, twice, three times I knocked on his door. He called me in and I took a deep breathe, opening it.

“Well this is unexpected,” he said. Sharp blue eyes looked up at me.

“It was a, uh… spur of the moment type of decision…” I said, coming in completely and closing the door behind me. Pulling off my bag, I sat down in the chair across from him.

It had been over a month since I’d last been in this little room. It had changed little. Mr. Smith’s desk was still clear of any distracting knick-knacks, and the walls were still a numbing shade of cream/grey.

“So Jeanna,” he started, leaning forward slightly. “It’s been a while since we last spoke. How are things?”

My leg bounced up and down at this question, a rush of possible answers coming to mind. “Things have, uh… things haven’t been going as well as I’d like,” I admitted, reaching up to rub at the back of my neck.

“And why is that?”

I snapped. I fucking snapped and started ranting, going off about my confusing sexuality and Marcy and the nightmares and everything that was getting on my nerves. My parents and Jason’s harassing text messages. How my folks were forcing me to do all this shit I didn’t care about. All of the rich people shit that thoroughly got on my nerves. Everything. And he listened.

At least, I think he listened. For the most part he seemed to just maintain eye contact with me while nodding at appropriate points in my rambling rant. And when I was done, I didn’t even want him to say anything. He seemed to be able to understand this. That I didn’t want him to tell me what to do, or how to fix shit.

What I needed was a release. For a while now I’d been a human version of a volcano, threatening to burst like Mount St. Helens back in 1980 from the pressure I was under. Had I waited I’d have ended up just like that particular eruption, destroying everything in my path without even meaning to. But instead this eruption was on the calm side. There was no possible way to do any of this without bursting a little. While it wasn’t ‘blowing up a whole fucking mountain’ kinda release, but it was a release nonetheless. I can’t come up with a good volcano analogy for what really happened, my level of semi-useless knowledge has its limits, but in short it just wasn’t quite as violent.

When I finally finished Mr. Smith nodded again, jotting down some kind of notes. I told him I didn’t want him to say anything and he complied, simply asking if I had done what needed to be done. When I told him yes, he smiled. It was an odd kind of smile. I couldn’t read it very well, but he seemed sincere enough.  

We conversed for a couple more minutes. They were generic questions, asking me about grades and how my classes were going. I managed to catch him off guard when I told him that his boyfriend scared me. I laughed when he tried to tell me to knock it off, but he gave me a pass and told me to get to my class.

-

"Earth to Marcy," Sasha said, snapping her fingers in front of my best friend’s face. Marcy jumped slightly, brows furrowing as her gaze followed Sasha’s hand.

“What?” she asked as though she hadn’t just been zoning out completely.

“We’re making plans for the Fall Carnival and you’re staring at a wall,” I answered, brushing my bangs to the side as she turned to look over at me. “What’s up?”

“N-Nothing,” she stammered, swallowing. “Just a really weird dream I had last night.”

I raised a brow at this, though on the inside I was freaking out a little. Dreams were bothering her as well? That couldn’t be good.

“So!” Connie exclaimed, getting everyone’s attention. "The Carnival. We agreed on five o'clock, right?"

Sasha nodded. "Yeah. We'll meet up at the food cart area and have dinner before breaking off. Marcy, Jeanna,” she started, looking between the two of us, “since neither of you have been to this thing before, we'll help out."

Marcy seemed to go pale at this, but she didn’t comment.

“Fine by me,” I said, uncapping my water bottle and drinking down a lot of the cool liquid. My throat still hurt from the little incident I’d experienced the night before. “Who’s driving?”

"Krista and Bertholdt, seeing as they're the only ones with cars,” Armin supplied, looking over at me. He was back to wearing his contacts, and it seemed as though he’d gotten a haircut recently. His blond hair was no longer at shoulder length and had been tamed so that it was cut closer to his chin.

"Then we'll do the same as before?" Bertholdt started, his turn to get our attention. "Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jeanna, and Marcy in Krista's van. Sasha, Connie, Annie, and me in my car.”

Krista nodded, a pleasent smile crossing her face. "Sounds good. We'll meet up with Reiner and Ymir when we get food, right?”

"That's the plan as I know it."

The rest of our lunch period when like this, planning what we’d be doing tomorrow evening. The entire time Marcy kept spacing out, her fingers playing with strands of her hair while she stared at walls. It was confusing for me. What kinda dream could have made her so spacy? She had her moments but this was just odd.

“You okay?” I asked her, walking beside her as we went through the hall. "You were quiet all through lunch and you didn't pull on my jacket when Eren and I started yelling at each other. I mean, it's not like I enjoy you yanking me back, but I was prepared for it."

Her eyes widened at this and I realized that she was really out of it.

She shook her head, teeth playing with her lower lip.

_Stop being so cute!_

“Yeah, I'm okay. Just…” She sighed. "I-it's dumb. Just take it as me being my weird self."

My brows furrowed again. "I will acknowledge that you do have your moments, but you never seemed like the type to completely tune out like that."

"Guess we still have a lot we don't know about each other," she said softly, starting to zone out again.

The gaze I held on her hardened, and I was starting to get annoyed. "Seriously Marce, you're kinda freaking me out. What's going on?"

"I told you, it was just a dream," she insisted, brown eyes narrowing as she pushed her hair behind her.

I returned the glare and kept at it. "And I'm saying I don't believe you,” I pressed.

“‘Just a dream’ wouldn’t make you zone out and completely ignore everything that happened at lunch. Come on, we're best friends! Like I told you, you can tell me anything."

She looked away, gnawing on her lower lip again as she started rubbing at her neck. “I-I just… It's really stupid, and honestly you'd think I'm insane. So can we just... drop it? Or something? Like, please?"

_I don’t think you know anything about insanity, sweetheart._

Despite my snarky thoughts, I offered her what I thought was a smile. It felt more like a smirk and I didn’t mean for that. "I'll let you off the hook for now, but only because class starts in like two minutes,” I told her. While I wanted to give her a hug or something more substantial, all I did was reach out to her and give her shoulder a little squeeze. My expression softened into what I hoped looked more like a smile. "I'll see you after school. I already picked out the movies, so we should be set."

Marcy raised a brow at this. “What movies?” she asked.

To be honest, I’d come up with the idea during chemistry and hadn’t planned anything for real. But it seemed good and now I wanted to take her mind off of whatever was bothering her.

I liked to think that she’d do the same for me, were I to actually open up and tell her about the nightmare/dream things. But I still didn’t want her to stress.

Instead I grinned at her, teasing as I started towards the hall I had to go down. “Not telling,” I started. “I’ll catch up with you later. Bye Marce.”

“See you later,” she returned with a smile. I gave her one as well and started for my next class.

-

**From: Jason  
-J wtf? **

**From: Jason  
-Come on J, you’ve been ignoring me for a week**

**From: Jason  
-Ok fine, don’t say anything. Like I really care**

**From: Jason  
-I need to talk to you though. It’s important. You’re coming back to the city next week for the holiday. Let’s talk then.**

**From: Jason  
-Jeanna this is getting annoying, I’m trying to be civil with you. Just answer me once**

_Civil? You want me to be civil? We aren’t even friends, why the hell do I even bother with you? Why the hell are we letting our parents do this to us, we have free will!_

That’s what I wanted to say in response to his harassing me. Was I being immature about this matter? Yeah, I was. Not even gonna deny it, I was being a child. But he was frustrating me. Sure he was trying, but I didn’t want him to try. I didn’t know him well enough, and the couple times we’d met in person before our parents were around hadn't allowed any kind of connection between us. That suffocating feeling of being constantly watched, judged, expected to do as told. I never felt like an actual person around them, and I often wondered if they ever saw me as anything other than their biggest disappointment.

I stared at my phone as I noticed my best friend come down the hall towards me. Eventually I tapped out a response.

**To: Jason  
-fine ill come by next week, just give me a time and place later or something**

Clicking off my phone and putting it in my pocket, I reached around and gave my ponytail a tug so that it came around my shoulder and I could fidget with it.

“Who pissed you off this time?” I heard Marcy ask.

I looked up at her and sighed, my arms folding over my chest as I continued to mess with my ponytail. "He wants to meet up during Thanksgiving break next week."

“Next week?” she said, eyes widening. She must have forgotten. Though considering she’d been spacy all day it seemed normal.

"Yeah, another holiday my folks hate,” I stated, trying to relax my shaking leg as I further explained. “Neither of them are American and they don't get why I have to have a week off of school for a holiday about food."

Marcy laughed lightly, wearing away a bit of my irritation. "My parents aren't really native either, but they don't hate it. For me it's a break from school and a chance to hang out with my little sister."

My brow rose at the new bit of information. “You have a sister?”

“Yeah, I never told you about her?” I shook my head. “Huh. Guess not. Well, she's almost seven right now. I'm just waiting for the day when she loses that innocence and turns into an annoying brat. The kid is precious as it currently stands."

I let a smile pull at my face at this. "Well, it's kinda obvious that I'm an only child. I feel like I've got that 'spoiled rich kid' thing going most of the time."

She did that little thing where her head tilts and lifted a brow at my statement. "Really? I never thought that."

The phone in my pocket cut me off, buzzing obnoxiously loud. I scowled at the message.

**From: Jason  
-Finally, you responded. Now why the hell have you been ignoring me?**

I huffed, glancing up at Marcy and saying, “Because you’re you,” before directing some attention back to my phone.

**To: Jason  
-what part of later dont u get? im busy now fuck off**

"What does that even mean?” Marcy asked, pulling me back to the original conversation we’d been having.

No matter what I tried, my leg still continued to bounce. "You seem to find the good in people and allow that to counter out anything else that they do," I said, my mouth moving before my mind again.

She blinked at this, staring off into the distance as she thought about this. My brows furrowed and I waved a hand in her face, catching her attention.

Blinking again, she said, "Uh, yeah?"

I lifted a brow again. "You sure you want to go to the music room? You're pretty out of it. We can just go straight to my room, if you want."

The kid nodded, adjusting her backpack straps. "Yeah, sure. But what about dinner?"

"We'll order a couple pizzas or something,” I suggested. “Sound good?"

Her freckled face pulled into that beautiful smile that made my brain turn to mush. “Sounds perfect.”

_Oh my fucking god, you are precious._

“Awesome,” I said, thoughts easily returning to the fact that I’d have Marcy to myself for potentially the whole weekend. Tonight, then the carnival tomorrow, and hopefully she’d stay over again until Sunday.

I brought my bag around and stuffed my phone into the middle pouch so I wouldn’t be tempted to yell at Jason again. As if on cue it buzzed again. I just ignored it.

Our walk to the dorms was quiet as usual, the two of us walking mostly in silence. It was a comfortable sort of silence, however. The clouds in the sky still weren’t grey yet. They were still a soft color of white, puffy like cotton candy.

Not that I’d ever actually eaten the stuff, but I’d seen it in shows before.

 _Maybe they’ll have it at the Carnival?_ I wondered, my gaze falling on the line of cars that was headed in the direction of the University.

"You know, I've never been to anything like this before," I commented, my gaze still on them.

"I've been to a fair once, a long time ago," Marcy said. I looked over at her. She brushed her hair back as she went on. "I was too small to remember it now, though."

I snorted a rather unattractive laugh that came through my nose. "It's hard to imagine you being small,” I commented. “How tall are you anyway? Six foot?"

“No! I’m only five ten,” she insisted, her cheeks turning pink. She rubbed at her nose and cleared her throat. "You're pretty tall too, so what's your excuse?"

“You’re still taller,” I said. I gave her a smirk, teasing her as I started walking backwards the way she’d done weeks ago. I tried to give her a grin, but she turned away in an attempt to hide her self-consciousness. "I'm messing with you, you dork. Come on, the building's this way.”

"You still haven't told me what you picked out for us to watch," Marcy commented as we got in the building.

"I already said, I'm not telling you. Quit being so damn impatient," I said, smiling.

“Oh yeah!? “ Her voice bounced off of the walls of the stairwell. “I could stick you in a head lock right now until you tell me."

"Uh huh. I'm sure you _could_ , but you wouldn't. You're too nice." I looked over my shoulder at her with a smirk.

The both of us ended up picking up our paces, turning the usual walk to my dorm into a race. Marcy and those damn long legs of hers beat me easily. Along with her strong build, she had legs like an ice skater. Or a ballerina, depending on who you asked. It was fascinating that for a hobby she chose piano when she could do almost anything she wanted.

“Fucking hell!” I cried out, pulling my bag off and throwing it into my room. The tan canvas slid across the floor, causing my already laughing friend to fall off of the chair she’d been sitting on. I flopped on my bed, out of breath while also laughing at the fact Marcy had actually fallen.

“You’re such a nerd,” I gasped, still laughing. I stuck the knuckle of my index finger in my mouth to try and stop it. I swallowed hard and loud, gasping again.

_I probably look so dumb right now._

“Hey, you are too,” she retorted, kicking off her sneakers as she fixed her hair. She ended up coughing as she sat up, gasping for breath. “Are you going to close that?”

I rolled halfway off of the bed, glaring at her. But as always, it’s impossible for me to stay mad at her. I pulled off my shoes and threw one at her as I stood, closing the door and going over to my entertainment area. A smile tugged at my face as I opened up a case and looked over the DVD.

“I hope you like Marvel,” I started, turning on the TV and the player. I stuck the disk into its slot and waited for it to load.

I noticed Marcy’s reflection in the screen, her brows furrowed as she pulled off her grey school hoodie. I tried to look away as she tugged her teal shirt back over her hips.

"Marvel? Like the comics?" she asked as she fixed her long sleeves, head tilting.

"More like the movies. X-Men, all of them," I explained, turning to her with a bright smile.

“Dude, yes!” she cheered, returning the smile as she got onto my bed. "I could kiss you, Marvel is way better than DC!"

_Kiss me… oh god, please do…_

I tried my hardest to disregard her response to this, despite the fact my heart was pounding.

"I know, right!? I'll take mutants over aliens any day.” I could only hope she understood that I was referencing the plots of X-Men and Superman. “Like, I can believe mutants. I can't watch a movie without there being some kinda realistic aspect to it. But aliens like that? Meh, Superman can go suck a cock."

Marcy’s face scrunched up at the crude nature of my word vomit. "Wow. Charming, Jeanna."

I smiled at her again, brushing a loose strand of hair behind my ears. “Yup, pretty much,” I said.

_If my heart pounds any harder I’m gonna pass out._

Trying my hardest to relax, I sat beside her and reached across her lap for the remote. "I have no clue how long this marathon will take," I said as I waited for the disk to load.

"Definitely all night if you're planning on watching them all," she answered.

“Hell yeah!” I cheered like a dork. I really love Marvel, okay? Skipping through commercials and previews for old movies, I said, "Hey, you've got your watch, right?"

She gave me a look as though I’d asked the dumbest question in history because I knew the answer already. "You know I always have my watch. Why do you ask?"

"For pizza!” I explained. We hadn’t gone anywhere for food, after all. “I'd guesstimate after the first movie, but around five thirty or six we should order our pizzas."

Marcy nodded in response, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Gotcha. Where are you going to order from?"

"There's a place on the other end of town called Marco's. I figured we'd order from them."

That name lingered on my tongue long after I’d said it. I’d eaten from this pizza place before and they were the best around. But flashbacks from the dream made themselves present in my thoughts.

_Stop!_

“Sounds good,” she said, knocking me back into reality.

Nodding, I pressed play and the movie started. At some point Marcy had stretched out her arms, putting one across my shoulders. When she did so she was adorably flustered, trying to come up with a reason for why she’d pulled the classic straight-guy-in-a-cinema move. It made me laugh at how cute she was being and I elbowed her side a little, telling her to shut up while I relaxed into the half-embrace.

We stayed like that through the whole movie, and part of me wondered if I was making her arm numb. Random little thoughts like that prevented me from being completely focused on the movie.

At the end of the first movie we were ready to keep going. However, my stomach was dying for something to eat.

“Food time!”  I announced, pulling out from under Marcy’s arm so I could get my laptop. She smirked at me, shifting when I sat back down beside her.

Luckily for me, Marco’s Pizza had a website that you could order from. Talking on the phone always made me uncomfortable, so it was a great thing that we were able to order without that stress.

“So what do you want to get?” I asked, looking up at her a little.

Marcy put her head on my shoulder, staring at the screen while the pleasant scent of flowers threatened to distract me. “Depends. Who’s buying?”

“You,” I informed her. “I paid for dinner last time.”

"Hrm,” she huffed. “I've got enough cash for a couple pizzas and a little tip, I think. You still have drinks in that thing, right?"

My brows furrowed a little. "The fridge? Yeah, there's still a bunch of Pepsi and orange Sunkist."

She hummed, her eyes closing as she thought. "Then yeah, I've got enough."

I nodded and went through the menu on the website. We settled on peperoni and bacon pizzas, light sauce, and a thing of breadsticks. Oddly enough Marcy had been the one that suggested the latter.

After sticking the second movie into its slot and putting away the first, Marcy and I quickly settled back into our previous positions. She was warm and smelled nice, and at some point she’d started to mess with my ponytail. I didn’t mind, and we were peaceful until my phone buzzed, the ground floor manager letting us know that our food had arrived. We both went down to get the food.

Of course the elevator was still out-of-order, meaning we ended up going down and up eight flights of stairs. I complained rather loudly about the nature of the elevator, to which Marcy reminded me of the fact that she’d taken all of the boxes. Just to spite her, I grabbed a pizza box.

After eating a majority of the pizzas we got changed. It was only a little before 7:00, but we still got changed for the night. Marce was wearing a camisole that showed off her large chest, a fact that I found somewhat distracting, and her long PJ pants. As for me, I was in a large t-shirt and a pair of night shorts I’d had since middle school because my mother hated them. They’d been too large for me back then, but they fit comfortably now.

Again we repeated the same position, only now we were under my comforter. When I started First Class, I turned the light off. At some point from there I passed out on Marcy’s chest, and she slept holding onto me.

-

It was hard to believe I hadn’t woken up Marcy when I finally regained consciousness. My heart was pounding and I could hardly breathe. But then I felt that her arm was draped over my waist. I could hear her steady breathing, smell the flowers that would remain on my pillow for the rest of the weekend.

She was safe, sleeping soundly. Everything was okay.

_She’s okay. Everything is alright…_

I was facing her when I looked up, seeing the gentle expression on her freckled face. Reaching up, I brushed a few strands away from her face. She didn’t react at all as my fingertips met her cheeks, tracing across freckles and turning those skin stars into abstract constellations.

Despite my newfound distraction, I couldn’t get away from it. Dream-me was sleeping, as far as I could tell. Remembering the pyres. It was short and didn’t last long. He was remembering a decision he’d made. I didn’t know anything about it other than the fact that he would be risking his life.

At some point I gave up and moved away from Marcy, causing her to grunt as her body fell into empty space. I didn’t pay much mind as I retrieved my sketchbook and opened it up to the page I’d previously been working on the other night.

Yet again the shading kept me distracted; making sure the flecks of ash didn’t blend into the background. It was harder than it seemed. Getting the shapes of the people standing around was difficult as well. I couldn’t remember names or faces. Just that they were of importance as well. Not as much as the one in the flames, but important nonetheless.

The lead of my pencil broke, causing me to swear. I bit on my tongue immediately, hoping I didn’t wake up Marcy.

I opened up a drawer and started to search for lead. A creak from behind me put me on alert, however. Slowly, I turned around and saw a tired Marcy.

"Did I wake you up again?" I asked, guilt gnawing at my insides.

She nodded. “Y-Yeah, kinda,” she replied.

I licked at my lips, eyes closing as I mentally kicked myself. _Good going!_

“I-It’s okay,” she said, yawning.

"I wasn't really expecting you to wake up,” I admitted, my left hand reaching up to rub at my neck and tangle in the fluff that still needed a trim.

"You did kinda let me fall,” she reminded me.

My lower lip found its way between my teeth and I gnawed on it. Rarely did I ever bite on my lips. "Yeah, sorry about that."

“What made you move so fast?” she inquired.

"I-it's stupid,” I tried to tell her. Maybe get her to come off of the topic. “Just something from a dream. I wanted to draw it before it had a chance to fade. Try to make sense of it if… that makes sense…"

Marcy grabbed a pillow, resting her head on the top as she hugged it. “What did you dream about?”

Something snapped in me for a moment at this, the question sounding similar to the events that transpired the day before. "Seriously?” I started, staring at her. “When you didn't tell me about yours yesterday?"

Her expression fell. "Okay, fair enough. So, what do you want to do for the next six hours?"

“Six!?” I spun around to see my alarm clock. It was almost 11:00 in the morning, and while it was later than I’d thought, we weren’t going to meet up with the group until at least 5:00. “God dammit.”

"We could finish watching First Class?" she offered, nodding to the TV. "We got through, like, a quarter of it. That'll eat up at least another hour."

Nodding to this, I spun back around to deal with the sketch. I stared at it for a moment, remembering again. With a sigh, I closed the book and left it alone so I could join Marcy on my bed. The two of us sat close together as I restarted the movie, her arm finding its way across my shoulders and my head resting on her chest once again.

**-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-**

To be completely honest, I didn’t really care for cold weather. I tolerated it, but I did so in a way similar to how I tolerated most people. I tried not to think about it as I fixed the way my ponytail fit into my red beanie. It was yet another article of clothing my mother hated, despite how much I loved it.

Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Sasha, Connie, Marcy, and I were all waiting outside of the Rose building for Krista and Bertholdt to come get us. Marcy was bouncing up and down like a fucking chihuahua.

“Marcy, take it easy!” Sasha scolded her, staring in disbelief as she stuffed her hands into the pockets of her puffy coat.

“I can’t help it!” Marce snapped in response. The fidgety kid brought her hands to her mouth and breathed against them. If I’d known before that she didn’t have gloves, I would’ve happily let her borrow mine.

“Dude, calm down,” I tried, watching her. “You’re making me dizzy.”

She seemed as though she were trying to relax when I said this. Her teeth played with her lower lip as usual, and she was shivering like mad. Marcy buried her nose into her dark green scarf, adjusting it as she continued to tremble.

_Jeez kid. You can’t handle the cold at all, can you? And as cute as that ponytail is, I don’t think it’s the best thing for cold weather._

Connie let out a groan. “Where the fuck are Krista and Bertholdt? They said they'd be here by now."

Marcy rolled up the sleeve of her left wrist a little so she could see her watch. She let out a little groan, "It's not even that late. Just give them a little more time."

I stepped over to her and leaned against her shoulder, trying to see the time. It was only a little after 5:00.

“God dammit,” I griped, stepping back and fixing my bangs. My phone buzzed in my pocket and made me stiffen. When I saw who had texted me I grimaced.

**From: Jason  
-What the hell are you doing?**

_Why the fuck do you care, it’s not like we’re a couple,_ I thought bitterly.

“Everything alright?” Sasha asked, caution in her tone. I couldn’t blame her for that, considering I could be terrifying when angry. A fact that Eren’s face knew too well.

"My boyfriend is harassing me again," I said bitterly, tapping out a response.  Again, I know I was being childish.

**To: Jason  
-why are u texting me i told u im busy**

He responded faster than I’d anticipated.

**From: Jason  
-You said that yesterday**

**To: Jason  
-so? im out with friends, ill see u next week or something**

The response didn’t come immediately, so I tried another message. Something calmer.

**To: Jason  
-please man, i know im being an ass but it’s complicated**

**To: Jason  
-look, ill tell u when i see u but for now i need to work some things out. k? **

The sound of a high pitched squeak made me look up, only to find that Marcy was spazzing; most likely from the wind that had picked up.

“Marcy!” all of us complained. Her cheeks flushed from embarrassment and she held her head low, hiding in her scarf again.

Jason’s reply finally came when the cars showed up, the others letting out dorky cheers.

**From: Jason  
-Yeah, okay. I’ll see you then, I guess.**

I smiled, writing out a final response.

**To: Jason  
-thanks**

We all got into the cars, the seating arrangements the same as a few weeks ago when we were all making our way to the Halloween party. Marcy and I sat in the back of the big van and she sighed, letting her scarf get a little loose because it was much warmer now.

“Finally!” Jaeger complained, taking a seat once Marce and I were seated. "What the hell took you so fucking long?"

"I had to put gas in this thing,” Krista explained, snapping at him a little. "Can't really go anywhere with an empty tank.”

"Fair enough," Armin said from his place in the passenger’s seat. He gave Eren a look, completely shutting him up.

The conversation in the car turned to the Carnival and what they’d do when they got there. Eren, always the adventurous one, had already declared he wanted to go on as many rides as possible. Armin seemed nervous about this, but I knew what the evil little blond was thinking. He’d take any chance he could get to get close with his best friend.

The car came to almost a complete stop when we got close to the lot where the university was holding the whole thing. Krista clicked her tongue as she looked around, humming a little. "Uh... do you guys just want to get out here?" she asked us. "It's probably going to take me a while to park."

I looked beyond the car. There was a line that seemed to go on forever and we were caught in the middle of it all. We weren’t that far from the entrance, however. A few hundred feet wasn’t too far of a walk.

"Yeah, that's fine," Armin answered for the rest of us. He shifted to turn around and look at the rest of us. "Any objections?"

Eren was already unstrapped and prepared to get out of the van. "Fine by me."

Knowing Mikasa would follow Eren off of a cliff, Armin looked over to Marcy and me. "How about you guys?"

"It's better than sitting around," I said in response. Marcy smiled at me and agreed.

The five of us got out of the car and made our way through the nearly stopped traffic. As we got closer I could see Ymir and a big blond guy. I recognized him as a guy I’d seen at the party when Bertholdt pulled me off of the asshole I’d been kicking.

“Finally!” Ymir yelled, her mannerisms different now that she wasn’t drunk. "We've been waiting for, like, the last half hour."

"Your girlfriend had to put gas in her van," Eren retorted.

The other freckle face sneered at him before turning to me and Marcy. "Hey, it's the hero and her damsel in distress!"

_Hero?_

“Please don’t call me that,” Marcy complained, rewrapping her dark green scarf and tucking her chin into it.

"I dunno. Sounds kinda accurate,” I teased, fixing my beanie so that the knit covered the tops of my ears. Marcy glared at me and I shrugged, poking her side to get her to loosen up. If anything she got more tense, blocking me.

"Remember how I told you I'd make it up to you for what happened at the party?" Ymir said, taking hold of the conversation. I watched as Marcy lowered her arms and relaxed, nodding cautiously. Ymir grinned as she pulled out a couple ‘cards’ from her pocket, the University’s logo on them. "I pulled some strings and managed to get you guys free passes for all of the rides and booths, including food. Just show these to the person in charge of whatever and you're home free."

Marcy blinked in disbelief at the little cards before taking one and staring at it. "It's like you know how much I hate spending money," she said.

I took the other as Ymir kept talking. "A girl I know, Anyka, said that it would be a good way to make up for the party. Apparently she met you last month? She was working in the Spirit shop..."

"Red?" Marcy said, looking up to meet Ymir’s gaze. “Y-you mean the psychic girl?"

_Psychic? The fuck, what kinda adventures do you have when I’m not around!?_

"Yeah, that's her,” Ymir said. “She's a bit weird, but her advice is the best. It may not cover the emotional trauma and such, but I'm hoping it helps."

I was concerned about how Marce would take that comment, but she just laughed and smiled at the older teen. “It’s great,” she said, giving Ymir that soul capturing smile. “Thanks”

A loud voice from behind us cheered, causing the group to turn to look. Connie, Sasha, Annie, and Bertholdt were all walking up the walkway. My eyes widened at the sight of Annie smiling when I saw that she was smiling. She and Bertholdt went over to the big blond guy, who I was now assuming to be Reiner, considering the way he latched onto Bertholdt.

“How did you guys get here so fast?” Eren asked them.

“We parked further down the street,” Connie explained, nodding in the opposite direction. “We walked most of the way here. Is Krista still in that mess?”

“Yeah, she’s still stuck,” Ymir complained as she folded her arms over her chest. “You guys can go on ahead if you want. I’m gonna wait here for her.”

The lot of us nodded and we started for the gates. I had no clue what I was expecting to see, but it was nothing quite like this. The whole place was lit up with colorful lights that could give you a headache if you looked at them for too long, and I could see stands with dumb little games set up at each one. Towards the back were little rides, including what I assumed was a ferris wheel.

_Yup, staying far away from that thing. Just gonna stay on the ground if I can._

Marcy was beaming at me, her grin bright and the soul capturing smile returning. I wondered if she could tell that she was making my heart palpitate uncontrollably. “Pretty awesome, right?”

_Breathe!_

I nodded as I tried to remember how to react to things without looking like an idiot. Clearing my throat, I said, “Yeah, it is. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this.”

She laughed at me and took hold of my wrist. I didn’t fight back as she led me towards the food areas.

_My folks would shit bricks if they saw the food this place is serving, holy shit. Is everything around here fried or something?_

Marcy left me for a moment, using that card of hers to her advantage to get something to eat. I wasn’t sure how to react when she returned with something called a ‘corndog’.

“I can’t decide whether or not that looks edible,” I commented, staring at it.

She smiled at me again and took a bite. “You trusted me with the chili fries, you can trust me with fair food,” she said, lisping because of the food in her mouth. It was weird that she did that, but the lisp was adorable so I forgave her. When she swallowed, she stuck the corndog in my face. I moved back so she wouldn’t hit me in the face with it. “You know you wanna try it.”

I shook my head at the dork before me, but went ahead and took a bite out of the thing. It was a fried hotdog and the sausage was hot as I bit into it, while the fried coating made my mouth water. It was intriguing and my head tilted as I chewed. “That’s actually pretty good,” I said finally.

“I told you!” Marcy cheered, still smiling as she took a large bite out of the corndog. I couldn’t help but snicker a little at the thoughts going through my head.

_Should I tell her?_

“What?” she asked, catching me.

“Nothing,” I said in a sing-song-y tone, deciding to tease her.

Her eyes narrowed at me. “ _What?_ ” she pressed.

“Just the indirect kissing with a corndog,” I pointed out, holding back my laughter.

Marcy’s expression shifted into something I couldn’t read as she began coughing, the corndog trying to kill her.

“Fuck!” My eyes widened in surprise and I moved to take her food from her. “Dude, it was a joke! Christ, hold on a sec. And don’t die!”

I rushed over to the stand we were just at and showed the vendors my card, asked for water, and hurried back to her. She wasn’t coughing but she seemed to be having trouble breathing properly.

“Here,” I said, handing the water to her. She nodded and started drinking. I kept a close eye on her as she gradually returned to normal. Marce let out a little moan when she could finally breathe and I thought for a moment that she was going to collapse on me.

“Heh, my hero,” she said breathlessly, sighing as she ran her hand through her short bangs and down her ponytail. Her face was still flushed as her eyes closed a little.

“Wasn’t really being heroic, but hey. I’ll take the compliment,” I said, managing to brighten the little smile that had shown up on her face. It faded into a frown when I stole a couple of her fries, but it softened quickly enough.

We sat and ate for a few more minutes. I was too lazy to bother getting my own food, so I continued to steal Marcy’s fries as I let my gaze wander. When we were done I followed Marcy down the aisles of booths, teasing her when we came across one that seemed childish. She teased me back, saying that she was trying to make up for my wasted childhood with all of this. It made that fluttery feeling come back when she said that, but I busied myself with the little games to keep my mind off of things.

I ended up getting very angry at one of the games; a ring toss game where you had to get a certain number of rings around the bottles and you’d get a prize. Even though neither of us seemed to care for any of the little plush prizes, I was still damned and determined to get something out of the rigged game.

“God dammit!” I shouted as I gave up, launching the little plastic ring at one of the glass bottles. It hit with a loud _clang_ and the ring nearly hit the guy monitoring the stand. He turned and glared at me. I returned the glare and held it until I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders.

“We’ve been here for like ten minutes. The sun’s gone down in the time you’ve been here,” she said, guiding me away from the game.

“Ugh, _dieu bon sang,_ ” I griped, my face pinching in irritation.

“What the hell?” Marcy said, looking down at me.

My brows furrowed. “What?”

She kept staring at me with a weird expression on her face. “Was that… French?”

_Oh fuck me!_

I started randomly cursing when she said that, mainly out of embarrassment. For like a week French had been trying to find its way back into my vocabulary.

The sound of Marcy’s laughter pulled me back.

“Hey!” I demanded. “What the hell is so funny?”

“I’ve never seen you like this before,” she said, breathless as she grinned at me. “And I’ve never heard you slip into French before.”

“Because I fucking hate French!” I said, louder than necessary unfortunately. Marcy’s laughter subsided and she looked at me with her head tilted slightly. “My mother speaks it around the house, and the only time I ever interact with her is when I’ve turned into her ‘shit child’.”

“So then what did you just say?” she asked.

“Hell if I know,” I said with a shrug, having forgotten my mutterings in the chaos of cursing.

Marcy snorted a laugh, and even that was adorable. “Dork.”

“Yeah, whatever,” I commented, my expression shifting into a grin. “You’re still stuck with me.”

She laughed again and shook her head, managing to pull me away from the game. We walked around for a couple more moments when I heard a loud voice say, “Hey look, it’s my favorite bisexual.”

Marcy cringed when she heard this, swallowing loudly. My eyes narrowed and I looked around to find the asshat that made her uncomfortable.

“Please don’t do that,” she said, her words directed to a girl in a fake gypsy costume with bright red hair. The sign above her booth read ‘Fortunes Told Here’, and my brows furrowed.

The girl nodded and leaned over the counter. “Right, sorry. Forgot. Ymir told me ‘bout what happened, you alright?”

“Y-yeah, I’m fine,” she said, stammering. I didn’t know what irritated me more; Marcy seeming to get flustered around this random chick with a Southern accent, the aforementioned random chick, or the fact that she’d just said my least favorite word.

“This is her, isn’t it?” the redhead asked, looking from Marcy to me and back to her.

Marcy went stiff and my brows furrowed. “What are you talking about?” I asked.

The redhead looked back to me and did a Cheshire cat grin at me. "You’re Jeanna, right? Ymir told me about you. Though I know _plenty_ about you.” I just stared at her. "Hm… let’s see… poor family life, sheltered childhood, shitty relationship with a guy you don’t like… what else?”

“How the fuck…?” I started, trailing off as my mouth fell open. That was _too_ accurate.

“There’s a reason I set up a fortune telling booth,” she said, that southern lilt getting on my nerves as she tapped the sign above her head. “Believe me or not, but I’m psychic. I can tell you your future, if you’d like?”

_Is this the girl Ymir and Marce were talking about? Anyka, or something?_

I scoffed at her offer. “Yeah, right. There’s no way that’ll work.”

“Oh yeah?” She latched onto my hand and closed her eyes, causing mine to widen as she pulled of my glove and ran her fingers over my palm.

“What the hell are you doing!?” I cried out, pulling my hand back.

Anyka, I think, lifted a brow at my reaction and smirked. It was a creepy expression that didn’t make my initial discomfort any better. She shook her head and sat back in her chair, propping her feet up as she folded her arms over her chest. “You seem to be in denial, darling. About a… relationship of some kind, I believe. And I can tell that you’re gonna be in for a lotta confusion within the next few weeks.”

_Denial? About a relationship? I already figured shit out…_

“You’re insane,” I deadpanned as I put my glove back on.

“Only slightly,” she said in a teasing tone. The vibes I got from her made everything uncomfortable. She gave Marcy a grin as she looked up at her. “Your turn, darling.”

Marcy jumped a little, eyes widening. “Oh! I, um… well…”

“Aw, come on. It’s only fair that I told your girly friend’s future. You’re next, sweetheart.” Anyka lowered her feet and reached out to Marcy. Marce stared for a moment before giving in.

“Oh fine,” she said, sighing as she gave the psychic her hand.

Anyka closed her eyes again, head tilting as she ran her fingers over Marcy’s hand. “You’re energy is so tense. A bad dream, maybe?” Her eyes opened. “Hm… You and someone else. Anger and frustration, but then… something else…”

Marcy licked at her lips as she pulled away, wringing her hands together. “O-okay, we’re done here,” she said, unease in her tone as she swallowed again.

The psychic smiled deviously, and again it made me incredibly uncomfortable. “Are you sure? I saw some details I’m sure you’d _love_ to know about.”

My brows furrowed when she put emphasis on that word. Marcy shrank into her coat, acting as though she were cold when it was obvious she was just embarrassed. “N-no. I’m fine.”

“You okay Marce?” I asked, trying to meet her gaze.

“Yeah, I am,” she said, a little firmer.

Anyka leaned back in her chair again, arms reaching behind her head. “Well if that’s all, then I hope the two of you enjoy the ferris wheel.”

_Wait…_

“…What?”

Out of abso-fucking-lutely nowhere, Connie and Sasha sprang out and latched onto Marcy and me, grinned brightly. Sasha took hold of Marce, while Connie latched onto my arm.

“What the hell!?” we cried out at the same time, suddenly finding ourselves being dragged through the lot. I tried looking to Marcy for an answer as to what was happening, but when our gazes met she looked as confused as I was.

“The lines finally went down,” Sasha started.

“We know that you guys haven’t been on any of the rides yet, so we decided to  _help out_ ,” Connie continued.

_Oh fuck! No! No rides, oh shit, please stop!_

“Are you insane!?” I screeched, trying to tug my arm back. Connie may have been tiny, but the kid was fucking strong.

I kept yelling as loud as I could, trying to get them to back off, but to no avail. We were dragged over to the ferris wheel and Connie tossed me into the little carriage. Marcy landed on top of me thanks to Sasha.

“You little shits!” I screamed, trying to attack them.

“Jeanna!” Marcy tugged on my collar, pulling me back. “There are kids around, keep your voice down!”

 _No you don’t understand! I need to get off of this!_ I thought as I pawed at her wrist. I froze when the lap bar dropped.

_Oh god, why!?_

I couldn’t properly focus on anything at that point, and soon enough we were being lifted into the sky by the carriage.

_Oh god, no no no._

I let out a moan, feeling my heart start to pound like mad. “Oh god,” I whimpered, latching onto Marcy’s arm before I even knew what I was doing.

She went stiff. “J-Jeanna?” she said.

I froze and swallowed. _Shit._

“I, um. Sorry…” I said, pulling away.

“You okay?” she asked me.

_No I am the opposite of okay right now!_

“Y-Yeah,” I lied, embarrassment flushing my cheeks.“Just, uh. Never been on something like this before, you know?”

She lifted a brow but didn’t say anything about this. I used this to my advantage, or whatever advantage I had left at that point.

_Just breathe, okay? It’ll be fine. Just because those dreams made you freak out about heights and falling and oh shit just breathe, remain calm._

This only worsened when we got to the top and the whole fucking ride stopped. My stomach sank and I couldn’t breathe. “D-did the ride just  _stop_!?” I cried out, panicking. “Oh god. We’re stuck. Dude, we’re fucking stuck!”

Marce grabbed hold of my shoulders and turned me to face her. I must have looked horrible at that moment, incapable of basic functions and eyes wide as saucers.“They’ll get the ride fixed, we are  _not_ stuck!”

This didn’t help. Not in the slightest. I licked at my lips and that was when I noticed that I was trembling. “Y-yeah, I know… it’s just…”

She furrowed her brows. “Just what?”

_Oh great, here we go!_

“I… p-please don’t make fun of me for this, b-but I-I…” I stammered, trying to form a sentence. “I don’t like heights.”

Yup. Heights. That was my big fear. I’d never been a big fan, but as soon as the nightmares hit I couldn’t look out my own window. It hadn’t affected me much before, but now…

“You’re joking,” she said.

I’d been prepared for any reaction but this. Whimpering a little, I tucked my knees to my chest, the inactive lap bar moving so I could do so.

“H-Hey,” Marcy tried. She touched my shoulder and I welcomed the distraction, more than happy to melt into her when she slipped and arm around my shoulders and held me close to her chest. “Look, it’ll be alright. The Uni will figure out a way to get the ride running again, and we’ll be able to get down. Just like, I dunno, try not to think about it.”

I managed to laugh a little at this. “You make it sound like nothing.”

She shook her head at me and held me close. The distraction was more than welcome, and when I reached up to take her hand it helped even more. Marcy’s thumb brushed carefully over my gloved knuckles and helped me to relax.

At some point she got me to look up. There were hardly any stars out, which was kinda a given with the fact we could see the city from where we were. Once she’d gotten me used to everything, it wasn’t too bad. And even when the ride finally started working again who-knows-how-long later, she continued to hold me. I’m ashamed to admit that I loved every moment of it.

The group was waiting for us at the bottom. Armin, Eren, Ymir, and the rest of them all. I pulled away rather awkwardly before we finally got to the bottom, not really wanting to face Armin while attached to Marcy at the hip. I didn’t know why, but something in the back of my mind told me that would end up being an awkward experience.

“Oh my god!” Sasha cried out, latching onto Marcy in a hug when we were finally back on the ground. “I’m so sorry, we had no clue the ride was going to break like that!”

_Never again. I fucking hate ferris wheels and I’m never going on one again._

Marcy smiled at her roommate and patted her on the head. “I-it’s alright Sasha. Really. Like, we’re still alive. No harm done.”

I scoffed at this and folded my arms over my chest. ’No harm’ she says. “We could’ve gotten stuck up there for who the hell knows how long, and you’re just gonna play it off like nothing happened.”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m doing,” she said, pushing Sasha away. She turned to me and smiled. As much as I tried, I inevitably ended up smiling back at her.

For the rest of the evening we stayed firmly on the ground, sticking with the games that made me curse in French and cause Marcy to laugh. By the time 11:30 hit we all had to go, due to the dorm curfew. Marce and I sat in the back of Krista’s van and leaned against each other.

The entire ride back I stared at the seat space between us. Her hand was sitting right there. I could have taken hold of it and just held it for the rest of the drive to the dorms, but something told me that I shouldn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh it's so long. Officially the longest chapter I've ever written, I'm not even kidding. 34 fucking pages in Word, over 15,000 words... ugh
> 
> But we've got character development! I'm just gonna let you know that I've fallen for these genderbent dorks so hard, that it was actually kinda painful to write the nightmare aftermath. I hope you guys felt something too, otherwise that'd be a bit tragic ._.
> 
> Let me know how it went in a comment? Maybe? Please? You don't have to, but feedback is appreciated
> 
> That's all for now, so I'll see you next update ^_^  
> Take care loves <3


	7. Something I Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanksgiving at the Kirschtien household is anything but enjoyable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goddammit this took forever. 11,800 words according to Word. My hands are sore.
> 
> Lots of stuff happens here. A shit ton of character development, Jeanna gets drunk and lashes out, and then the surprise at the end~  
> Hope you all enjoy it, I'm proud of myself for all of this.
> 
>  **Links**  
> [My tumblr](http://hopeless-alchemist.tumblr.com/)  
> [Marcy's POV for this chapter](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1585286/chapters/3910984)  
> [Song that inspired the name of the chapter title](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_xvWdY6Gr4), actually fits pretty well this time around.  
> [Song Jeanna sings in the beginning](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4_vEs0r2Z4)  
> [Song at the end of the chapter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-XUjmkrSe8)

* * *

 

 

Maybe it was the fact I’d been sleeping in a different bed for the last month and a half.

Maybe it was the dull off-white walls, void of any kind of decoration due to the fact all of my posters were on the walls of my dorm room.

Maybe it was because everything smelled so sterile, the housekeeper constantly working overtime to take care of our massive apartment.

Maybe it was because just like before, I was all alone in this damned penthouse.

Whatever it was, the boring penthouse we lived in felt nothing like a home. My parents were doing whatever it is they do, the housekeeper had left late last night, and I was curled up on the bed staring at my phone screen.

**From: Jason  
-Hey, you awake yet? I still need to talk to you.**

_I’m not in the mood…_

I threw my phone across the room, the thing landing in my suitcase. My hands took hold of the comforter I was wrapped in and tugged it around my shoulders more. The last thing I wanted was to see him. Loneliness be damned, I didn’t want to deal with that. A boyfriend I didn’t even want probably wouldn’t make good company.

_Come on… you can’t just lie around forever…_

_I can sure as hell try._

_Just go and get it over with… it’s like noon anyways._

_Ugh…_

Giving up, I finally tossed off the covers and went into the bathroom attached to my room. I looked like shit, having been restless the whole night. I wasn’t used to the feel of the house anymore. For three years I’d lived across the country, and now that we were back in Trost things had gotten complicated.

I ran a hand through my hair, tangling it with the dark fluff. It was getting long again. Pulling up the long blonde strands, I started searching for the electric razor.

I’d never been nervous when it came to cutting my hair. It was routine by now. I’d start the razor and just aim for darker hair. Small bits of fluff fell into the sink, and every time I ran my hands through even more would fall. It was a pain in the ass, and sometimes I wondered what would happen if I just gave up and shaved it all off. But in the end I carried on cutting the lower half and trimming my bangs.

Afterwards I rinsed out the sink, showered to get rid of all the stray hairs that I hadn’t knocked loose before, and fixed whatever I needed to when I got out. Part of me wanted to give the longer strands a trim, but I decided to just leave them be and carry on.

“ _Who shot that arrow in your neck? Who missed the crimson apple?_ ” I started singing lightly to myself as I got dressed. “ _It hung heavy on the tree above your head…_ ”

My phone buzzed in my suit case and I groaned as I picked it up.

**From: Jason  
-J, you up yet?**

“ _Gloria, we lied. We can’t go on, this is the time and this is the place to be alive…_ ”

**To: Jason  
-yeah i am now… where do u wanna meet?**

His response came quickly.

**From: Jason  
-I just want to talk, so if you could meet me at Kyojin Coffee? I’ll pay. **

Kyojin Coffee was a glorified little shop downtown that I used to like before the move. I hadn’t been since returning, but this seemed like a good opportunity to go back.

**To: Jason  
-you dont have to but sure. ill see u there in a little bit**

**From: Jason  
-Okay**

_Ugh, here we go,_ I thought, pocketing my phone and starting for my door.

 “Where are you off to?”

I let out a shriek and jumped, turning on my heel and coming face-to-face with our older housekeeper, her greying black hair falling from her bun and framing her dark face. “Nina! Don’t sneak up on me like that!”

Nina folded her arms over her chest, shaking her head. “Still without manners. You haven’t been back home in three years and this is the welcome I get?”

“I-I…” I stammered, surprised. “Sorry. I’m, uh… Jason wanted me to meet with him.”

Her nose turned up at this and she sighed. “Don’t tell your parents this, dear, but I don’t approve of their forcing you to be with that boy.”

“That makes two of us,” I said, reaching up to rub my neck.

She looked up and met my gaze. She was only a couple inches shorter than me, but she still seemed small. Her head tilted and she looked me over with bright hazel eyes, and a gentle smile tugged her lips upwards. “There’s someone else, isn’t there?”

I made a choking sound when she said this, my cheeks starting to flush. I did my best to try and ignore it, but that quickly proved impossible. “I, uh… yeah…”

“Am I correct in assuming this someone is a person you can’t tell your parents about?”

“Y-Yeah… she is…”

Nina smiled warmly at me. “No worries dear, I won’t say anything. And I won’t keep you any longer either.”

Nodding, I made my way to the front door. I tugged on my coat and converse and left.

Out of shear habit I took the stairs down to the ground floor. As much as I bitched about it, I didn’t really mind taking the stairs. Wine Red continued to play in my thoughts as I left the building, starting down the street.

_‘The sea’s wine red, this is the death of beauty. The doves have died, the lovers have lied...’_

I allowed the random songs to play in my head. Once Wine Red finished, the next one I started humming was another Hush Sound song. That, combined with the chilling cold, let me feel numb.

It didn’t take too long for me to get to the coffee shop. By the time I’d gotten there I’d found that Jason was already inside, sitting at a table by the window. He was staring somewhat pensively at the cup of coffee in his hands.

Pushing open the door, I heard him call out my name. My breath caught in my chest and part of me wanted to get out of there. I felt guilty. Here I was practically falling for my best friend, and the guy I was in a relationship with was sitting right there.

“Jeanna,” he said, calling me over. I met his gaze, his dark brown eyes meeting my gaze. I walked across the shop and sat across from him.

“Hey,” I started. “So, uh… what did you want to talk about?”

His gaze lowered and he held his head low. “I… I don’t want you to be too mad at me. I mean, I should have told you this sooner. Like, when it all started. But I wanted to tell you in person.”

“Just spit it out Jay,” I told him, brows furrowing as I folded my arms across my chest.

He tensed at this and pushed his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. “Okay. The truth is I’ve been going out with a girl I met a while back. Since… before you left.”

_What!?_

The world seemed to slow down as my mind attempted to process this. “You… you what?”

“Jeanna, look I’m sorry I didn’t say anything before. But I didn’t want to tell you over a text or something like that. I was afraid of how you’d react.”

React? How the hell was I even supposed to react to something like this? What was I supposed to say? We hadn’t been in a real relationship. He was with some chick, I wanted to be with Marcy…

Well…

“I don’t care,” I said finally, sighing.

Jason was taken aback by this, stiffening when I said this. “What?”

“I said, I don’t care,” I repeated. “Why should I? I never liked you as anything more than an acquaintance, and I assumed that feeling was mutual the last time we met up. Besides…”

_Don’t tell him! What if he tells your parents!?_

_Fuck it, just don’t tell him who._

“There’s someone at the Academy I want to be with. This just makes things easier for me,” I said.

His eyes grew wide and his glasses slipped down his nose. “What!? You’ve got to be kidding me!”

A smirk tugged at my lips and I shifted where I sat. “Nope. Don’t know what you were expecting me to say, but it doesn’t matter now.”

“Well… now that’s cleared up. But what the hell do we tell our folks?” he asked.

“Hey, you started this! You can be the one that tells my parents, ‘I’ve been cheating on your daughter for the last month and a half’.”

Jason’s face pinched and he sipped at his coffee. “Fuck.”

“Hmph.” I closed my eyes and sighed.

“You know something?” he started. I opened an eye and looked up at him. He ran a hand through his dirty blonde hair. “A while back when I accused you of cheating on me with your friend, I was kinda hoping you were. Just so this would’ve happened sooner.”

My muscles tensed when he said that and suddenly I remembered the events that had occurred back then. It was strange to think a time when I didn’t consider Marcy the most amazing person I’d ever met.

Relaxing, I shrugged off the feeling. “Heh, yeah,” I said, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “That’d have made this simpler, right?”

He looked at me strange, lifting a brow. “Uh, yeah…”

We sat in silence for a few awkward moments, the both of us avoiding eye contact with the other.

“So… are we done here, or what?” I asked, shifting again as it got to be too much. The chairs weren’t very comfortable.

Jason’s mouth fell open a little from surprise. “I, uh… I guess?”

I nodded. Taking that as my cue to leave, I stood up and fled from the small shop before he had a chance to call me back.

Everything felt so surreal. That ball and chain I’d always thought of this ordeal as was miraculously gone. Like yet another weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Even so, I still felt that nagging guilt. _He’d_ been the one that had cheated on me, and I didn’t give a single fuck about that. The ‘why’ was entirely Marcy’s fault.

I knew that she was bi. As far as I knew, she probably thought I was straight because heteronormativity is the biggest bitch in the world. But it wasn’t the sort of thing that would come up in conversation between the two of us. At what point would I have had the chance to say, ‘yeah, I made out with a girl once and didn’t hate it’? Because that was what my sexuality had become. Demisexual was such an obscure term that it desired further explanation when mentioned. Hell, I didn’t even know the term existed until Armin had told me the other day.

With a sigh, I tried to ignore it all. Shut the world out until I got back to the apartment. Maybe I could try talking to Nina? No, she was on her lunch break.

 _Dammit_ ,I thought, running my hand over my ponytail and bringing it around to rest on my shoulder. _Being a teenager sucks…_

-

For the first time in a while, mainly because I’d woken up early thanks to a shit dream, breakfast was actually a family thing. If one could call it a family. It felt more like I was sitting with distant relatives and the whole ordeal was incredibly awkward. I just picked at the food Nina had made for us in silence.

Between my mother and father I looked a fascinating combination of the two of them. I had my father’s longer face shape and eyes, but my mother’s slim build and hair color. The two of them seemed to ignore me as we all sat there, both of them doing work on tablets instead of making conversation.

_I still have no clue what they do…_

Breakfast passed and I went unnoticed. Part of me kept saying the same thing I had been for years now; they’re busy people, they have work to do, what they do keeps a roof over your head.

But still… it couldn’t hurt to want to feel a little selfish sometimes…

I helped Nina clean up after my parents left, loading the dishwasher and helping put away the few bits of dishware that were ready to return to the cabinets.

“Jeanna,” she started when we’d finished with that. “Why don’t you take a walk? You’ve been holed up inside of your room since you got home.”

“I did meet up with Jason yesterday,” I commented, leaning on the island with a yawn.

“Yes, but that was so he could tell you he was cheating on you,” Nina reminded me as she put pots away.

I licked at my lips and turned away, hand reaching up to tug at my hoops. “We weren’t even a couple…” I mumbled, staring at a random spot on the floor. It was more to reassure myself than to argue a point to her.

She let out a sigh. “Well, at least give me a chance to straighten up your room. I won’t touch your shelves or desk, but at least let me wash those PJs you’ve been living in.”

Looking down at my tank top and flannel capris, I furrowed my brows. What was wrong with wearing pajamas all the time?

Despite those thoughts I sighed and nodded. “Uh, sure. I guess it wouldn’t hurt.”

Nina nodded and gave me a smile before she went to the living room.

Escaping into my bedroom I dug through my suitcase and grabbed a pair of jeans and a shirt. I changed quickly, only sparing a couple minutes of time to try to find my beanie.

_Did I leave it at the school? Damn…_

It didn’t matter. I had a hood on my coat, so I’d be warm enough without it.

Nina passed by me in the hall with a hamper under her arm and nodded when she saw me. Her expression shifted, however, leaving me curious.

“What?” I asked, feeling small under the woman’s gaze.

“Where’s that red hat of yours?” she asked me. “The one you’ve had since the move?”

“I probably left it at the school,” I said, stuffing my hands in my pockets.

She shook her head with a sigh. “Child, you’d lose your own head if it weren’t attached.”

That managed to get a smile out of me. “Lucky for us it is, then.”

The housekeeper gave me a smile and reached up to pat my cheek. My expression pinched and I tensed under her touch, but relaxed when she pulled away.

“Off you go then, I’ve got work to do,” Nina said teasingly. “And don’t come back for at least an hour; give me time to get things done in peace.”

I let out short laugh as I opened the door. “Sure thing.”

Going outside in nearly freezing weather wasn’t exactly a good idea and I regretted it instantly. But Nina wanted me to, so I would despite the fact my ears were stinging from the biting cold.

A good bit of time passed while I made my way through the city. I looked beyond the skyscrapers as I came from a hill and could see the neighboring town, Jinae.

_Marce is over there… How long would it take to walk?_

As though to test my endurance, I kept walking towards the edge. My mind kept comparing it to random shit, trying to make itself sound philosophical or some shit. But I suck at doing that, so those efforts were pointless.

My attempts at philosophy were disturbed by the feeling of my phone vibrating against my thigh. Brows furrowing, I pulled it out and unlocked it. The message I read confused me.

**From: Marce  
-Um, sorry in advance for this. But I think I have your beanie…**

I blinked at the message. She’d texted me.  

And that’s when it hit me like a truck. We weren’t together. For the first time ever since we’d become friends, we were further apart than ever. We couldn’t just walk down a couple flights of stairs to meet and hang out. We were far, too far. My best friend was at her home, with her happy family, and my beanie… Wait…

_My beanie?_

**To: Marce  
-dude wtf??? why?**

**From: Marce  
-It’s not like I stole it! I don’t even know how it got into my suitcase! What do you want me to do with it?**

A smile tugged at my lips as I imagined her getting frustrated over the situation.

_So cute…_

_Nope, stop that!_

As annoying as these little thoughts were, I was curious to know. I had a lot I wanted to talk to her about, and I began wondering if I could use this opportunity to see her.

**To: Marce  
-hmmmm… where do you live?**

**From: Marce  
-On the east side of Jinae. Why?**

**To: Marce  
-so i can get my hat back, you little shit :p**

**From: Marce  
-I’m not staying home for much longer. I’m taking my sister to the park.**

_She’s on the east side of Jinae, I’m on the west side of Trost. I think I know where that park is_

**To: Marce.  
-i think i know where that is**

Her response wasn’t as quick as the first few, and I started to wonder what happened. Then my phone buzzed again and I realized it was because of her need to use grammar in a text message.

**From: Marce  
-Are you serious? You don’t have to come all that way! Isn’t that a bit far for you?**

_A bit yes, but if I get to see you then who cares? Yup full out crushing at this point, I need to see this girl._

**To: Marce  
-i’m already out, it’s not that far now. i’ll see you in half an hour.**

I clicked my phone screen off and continued to make my way through the edge of the downtown area, and over the invisible divide between Trost and the town of Jinae. It didn’t take too long, but I’d started jogging to try and get there quicker.

Which worked, surprisingly. By the time I could see that little park, however, I had worn myself out. In hindsight, I probably would have been better off just walking. I hadn’t brought any water with me and the sweat on my forehead was quickly chilled thanks to the cold. I didn’t completely mind, but I could smell snow in the air and we were going to get some flurries tonight. Great.

But I got over it quickly when I saw Marcy. She was across the park on the swing set, my red beanie on her head and her green scarf pulled up over her nose and cheeks.

“Hey! Freckles!” I called out to her, waving. She met my gaze and I watched curiously as she changed how she was holding the chains of the swing. When she jumped off the world went in slow motion, flashes of last night’s dream find their way into my memories. Marco was alongside dream-me as usual. A memory that wasn’t mine, the two of them in training together or something like that…

The world returned to normal when Marcy’s long figure skater legs caught her, knees bending so that she wouldn’t get hurt. I ran over to her, panicking slightly as I tried to make sure she was okay.

“Dude! Careful,” I warned as I neared.

Marcy laughed at my reaction, standing up straighter and brushing off her coat. “I’ve done that a million times before, you dork. Stop worrying.”

My face pinched. _I can’t stop worrying about you. That’s what I do, that’s all I ever do nowadays._

Swallowing, I cleared my throat and tried speaking again. “S-sorry,” I managed, my hand reaching back to tease at my shortened fluff.

“You alright?” she asked, lowering herself down to my level.

“Y-yeah, I am,” I said, licking at my lips. “I’ve just got a lot on my mind, that’s all.”

Her brows furrowed, but she didn’t say anything.

I didn’t give her a chance to question me, regaining my composure with a smirk. “Now as cute as that hat looks on you, I’d like it back now.”

_…you just called her cute._

Marcy’s reaction to this was priceless, the dork trying to pull an innocent look while she batted her eyelashes at me. “Aw, you think I’m cute?” she teased.

I rolled my eyes at her to try and play this off, thanking whatever that my face was already red from the cold. “You’re adorable, now give me back my hat.”

She pouted at me as she pulled it off, her expression shifting into frustration when the yarn pulled several strands of hair with it. She handed me my beanie and began trying to comb them back into place with her fingers.

A laugh fell from my lips as I played with my hat a little. I called her a dork as I stepped a little closer, reaching out and helping. She made a face at me for a moment. Her hair was so soft, and I lingered a little too long as I helped her.

She licked at her lips and I pulled back, feeling incredibly awkward. “So…” she started. “Since you’re already out do you wanna hang here with me?”

“Yes! Ugh, god,” I stammered, wondering if I sounded too excited to be here. “Just… hell yes.”

Nodding, she turned around and started back to the swings. She sat down and began kicking at the ground as she swung. I sat at her right, wondering what I should say first.

_Well, you’ve got your best friend back. What next? There’s a lot you could say. There’s the shit with Jason, she’d listen if you wanted to talk about the parental figures, and then the dreams. As much as you want it to not happen, she’ll find out eventually._

_…let’s just stick with the less heavy shit for now._

I waited for a moment before speaking up. “Hey. Marcy?” I started.

She tried to look at me as her swing went forwards. “Yeah, what is it?”

“Jason and I broke up,” I said, my hand moving to my ear to tug at my earrings. I was startled when I heard a ‘thump’, Marcy having fallen out of her swing. I reached out to her, trying to help her up. She pushed my hand away and grabbed on the chain of the swing, hauling her ass back into the seat.

“I-I’m sorry, what?” she said, looking at me as though I’d admitted to a crime.

“I said, we broke up,” I repeated, confused by her reaction.

She continued to give me that weird expression. “Why?”

_You’re seriously asking me ‘why’? Do I even need a why?_

Regardless, I explained the situation.

My hand tugged on my ear again, fingers brushing against the new star piercing I’d gotten the first day back in the city since going to school. “He’s been seeing some chick from my old school since I left,” I said, reiterating what Jason had told me before giving my own opinions of the situation. “Like, I’m not depressed about it or anything. I never liked him in  _that_  way, you know? But… it’s confusing.”

It was a confusing feeling. Why hadn’t he just told me in the first place? Why the hell did he let it drag on for so long?

“Wait wait wait,” Marcy insisted, staring at me with her mouth agape. “You mean he  _cheated_  on you!?”

“It couldn’t be cheating if we weren’t actually together, but yeah,” I said, giving my lobe another tug.

Marcy wouldn’t believe me on this. “Dude! That doesn’t matter! You were technically a couple, even if you weren’t ‘together’. You called each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I don’t get why you’d use those terms so loosely!”

“Marcy, calm down,” I told her, surprised by the sudden outburst.

“Me!? Why aren’t you freaking out about this!?” she insisted. “Who the hell are you and what have you done with my best friend!?”

_Okay, too fucking far Marcy. You’re completely out of it now._

“Dude, stop,” I demanded, starting to get annoyed with her.

Marce let out a little groan as she bit at her lip. She buried her face in her hands and she shook her head, as though in denial.

I smirked at her, unable to help myself. Bumping into her swing, I said, “Marcy, calm the fuck down. Why are you the one stressing over all of this?”

“Because you won’t and I care about you,” she said. Her words made my heart feel fluttery. “I don’t understand how you can be so calm about this.”

_She’s actually confused about this. Why is she confused about this? It’s not like Jason and I were even a thing…_

_Oh… Because her first and last relationship ended with her in the hospital... Dumbass, of course she’s going to react like this! Relationships are important to her! I mean, I think they’re important. But I guess I… didn’t really think too much about it._

Marcy was still frazzled, face in her hands and grumbling to herself. I reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder, hoping I could get her to relax.

“Because I knew that you’d tell me to calm down,” I said, finally responding to her question. “I didn’t realize that you’d be the one to freak out.”

She let out a groan, her hands moving from her face to her neck, fingers trying to rub out a knot of some kind. “Sorry,” she apologized.

I nodded, pulling back to give her some space. My eyes lingered on her form for a moment longer before I started staring off into space, lost in thought.

_She’s really serious about relationships. If we ever got together, I guess I’ll have to be a bit more serious about things as well. But that shouldn’t be hard, right? I already know that I love her… really love her. Like I would walk across the country for her if I had no other means of transportation. I’m so serious._

_But… what about the dreams? What’s she gonna say if I tell her about them? Like ‘oh yeah, there’s a dead kid in these recurring dreams I’ve been having that looks a helluva lot like you’? I can’t just say that…_

A shadow loomed over me and I realized that Marcy was standing in front of the swing I was in, her hands holding the chains as she stared me down.

“M-Marcy…” I tried starting. There was a lump in my throat that kept me from talking normally.

“That’s not all of it, is it?” she insisted, her light brown eyes staring me down. “There’s something else you’re not telling me.”

_Shit. Is she a mind reader or something!?_

“Marcy, stop,” I insisted, cursing that lump as I turned away, not wanting to look her in the eye. “It’s just something stupid, I can take care of it.”

She still wasn’t buying it. Any of it. But why would she?

Her gaze persisted as she pressed on, getting frustrated. “’Something stupid’? Are you kidding me?” She let go of the chains, causing my swing to sway slightly. “Jeanna, if something’s eating at you just tell me. You’re my best friend, I want to help. Y-you’ve done so much for me, it’s unfair that I can’t do the same.”

She stammered. She fucking stammered. The kid was getting so worked up that she wasn’t even talking properly anymore. A feeling of guilt nagged at my insides, pulling at my heart and constricting my lungs until I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. I felt horrible, like a fucking liar because that’s exactly what I was. Marcy didn’t deserve to be lied to. She deserved the truth. But I couldn’t give her that because then she would start stressing out even more, and that knot she was rubbing at would get worse. I didn’t want her to get more hurt than she already was.

“I’m sorry, Marce.” _I’m a horrible person and I’m so sorry for this_. “I-I’ll tell you later. Just not right now…”

“Define later,” she demanded.

I paused for a moment, and then gave up. “I dunno, maybe tonight if it comes up.”

I expected her to continue pressing me for more information. For more explanations. But for now she was accepting my answers. She sat back down and started swinging in her swing again.

For a little while longer she asked questions about how my break was going, and I supplied her with answers. I told her about the absence of my parents, except for the first night when they actually praised me for my grades. I gave Marcy credit for that, and my modest best friend suddenly became shy when I said as much.

Things calmed down with that. The nightmares had been pushed to the back of my mind, I was with my best friend again. The only way it could have been made better was if I knew she liked me the same way I liked her. But there was no way I was going to tell her that. Not now anyways.

“Marcy!” a high pitched voice called from across the park. My brows furrowed for a moment, confused. The confusion went away when I saw a small child with tanned skin and freckles come bouncing across the mulch.

“What is it kiddo?” Marcy asked, getting up to meet the small child.

_Oh yeah, Marce has a little sister. Guess this is her._

“I’m hungry, is it time for lunch yet?” the kid asked her sister.

Marcy’s jaw dropped at the kid’s question. “You ate before we came!” she exclaimed.

The kid was adamant, her expression falling into a pout as she tried to win Marcy over. “So? That doesn’t mean I’m not hungry.”

Her comment caused a smile to pull at my face until I was laughing. Marcy gave me an odd look, her brow raised. “Now I know how you handle living with Sasha,” I said, grinning at her.

The kid looked curiously up at her sister. “Sasha?”

“We share a room at the school,” Marcy tried explaining.

“Like how Momma and Daddy share a room?” the kid pressed, clearly fascinated by her sister’s life at school. The question made me stifle a laugh.

“Uh, no. Not really.” Marcy’s face contorted as she tried to come up with a good way of describing the housing situation between her and her roommate. “We each have a half of the room. My stuff is on my side, Sasha’s stuff is usually on her side…”

The kid’s expression lit up like a Christmas tree. “So like how the kitchen and dining room are connected!” 

Marcy smiled at her sister, kneeling down to ruffle her hair. “Yeah, more like that,” she praised. The kid’s face pinched as she smacked at Marcy’s hand.

“I’m gonna take a wild guess and say that this is your little sister,” I commented, standing up from my place on the swing.

“Yeah,” she said, standing beside her sister and putting a hand on the kid’s tiny shoulder. “Jeanna, this is Anna. Anna, this is Jeanna. My best friend.”

_Hell yeah I am, your best fucking friend._

Anna looked up at her sister. “Does she go to the school too?”

I smiled at the kid, taking a step forward to properly meet her. “Yeah, I do,” I said to her. Anna smiled back, shy for a moment as she got used to me. It was pretty weird how much the two looked alike. I looked up at Marcy, amused with my discovery. “Dude, she’s like a tiny you.”

The kid grimaced, all of that shyness completely thrown out the window. She folded her arms across her chest and huffed, as though she’d been watching too much TV. “No I’m not! I’ve got my daddy’s eyes and my momma’s hair. Marcy got momma’s eyes and daddy’s hair.”

“I bet it’s the freckles,” Marcy said, playing along.

Anna huffed again, stomping her foot. “It’s _always_ the freckles!” she complained, shaking her head so that her dark brown curls smacked the sides of her round face.

I couldn’t help but keep smiling at the kid as I stood straighter, putting my hands in my pockets. My gaze met Marcy’s for a moment and she shrugged, a sheepish smile on her face.

“I’m still hungry!” Anna announced loudly, annoyed that she was no longer the center of attention.

“You ate like an hour ago!” Marcy argued, turning to face her. “You’ll get fat if you constantly eat like that.”

A smirk crossed my face. “I dunno, Sasha’s pretty thin.”

Marcy looked at me with wide, accusing eyes and I had to fight to keep a straight face. “Dude, not helping.” Looking away from me, she glanced down at her watch. “Kiddo, fast food joints are still serving breakfast. You can wait for lunch.”

The kid groaned and let out a huff. “Fine,” she said, admitting defeat for now. Giving up, she made her way back to her friends on the jungle gym.

For a moment we stood there, watching as Anna played with the younger kids. It was refreshing to see them. Most kids these days would be on tablets or something, but there were still some that enjoyed going outside.

I heard Marcy start to speak, her mouth opening for a brief moment before closing again. She licked at her lips and asked me, “Do your parents even realize you’re gone?”

The question confused me, but I guess there was some validity behind it. Nina was the only one I’d spoken to these last couple days. My parents? Why should they care?

I shook my head, letting out a bitter scoff.  “Hell if I know. They’re at work, whatever work is,” I answered. A sigh fell from my lips as I reached up to tug at my earrings.

_Of course they don’t. Doesn’t matter either way though…_

 

**-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-**

 

The morning faded into afternoon, and the afternoon faded into the evening. I didn’t get home for a while, the walk back taking me forever thanks to my reluctance to return. I wasn’t in the mood to return to the penthouse. Nina would be gone by the time I returned, off for the rest of the day and leaving me home alone.

When I got to my room, I found that the floor had been cleaned off and my PJs were sitting on my bed. For the rest of the afternoon and into the evening I sat on my bed watching random movies I pulled up on Netflix, cuddling a pillow until I passed out.

Dream-me kept flashing back to older memories in the nightmares this time around. His gear stopped working, and no matter how many times he tried it was no use. The engine was busted, or something was jammed. Whatever it was, he was grounded. The monster was around the corner, distracted at that point, but too close for comfort.

That was when he noticed the body of another trainee. A fallen comrade across the street, his gear still hooked up to the belts. I cringed as dream-me pulled off his own gear and went after the dead body. I could smell the blood, the disgusting scent of death in the air. The limp way the body moved as dream-me shifted it. It was so gross and made my stomach turn.

But then, just like fucking always, Marco showed up. That freckled kid with the ice-skater legs moving to distract the monster. My heart sank to my stomach. That was it. Two little words: “Calm down.”

Those were the last words he ever said to dream-me. I wanted to cry.

The scene flashed forward, the way it always does, to when dream-me found him. He found Marco, most of the right half of his torso gone. His head had been partially eaten as well, his face mangled and his one glazy eye staring into something I couldn’t see.

“ _It can’t be…_ ” dream-me kept insisting, rooted in denial that his best friend was gone. The one person that encouraged him to keep going…

I hated it. I hated it so much. I hated feeling so completely and utterly _useless._ No matter what I couldn’t do anything to help. These goddamned dreams were so painful and felt so _real._ They weren’t normal. It was impossible for them to be.

But if that was the case, then what were they?

All I could do was watch from the sidelines, horrified and wanting to get away so badly. To wake up from the hold the nightmare had on me. But it wouldn’t let go. Marco’s features became softer as his form shifted into Marcy’s. She was the one that had been half-eaten, the slice on the torso marking close to where her scar is. She was the one that was gone… her, not Marco… my best friend was gone…

I woke up in a panic, sweating. My hand reached out to find the lamp on my nightstand, but it was no use. I wasn’t in my dorm anymore, and I whimpered like a child as I tried to make it across my room to the lamp on my desk. Light flooded the room, burning abstract images into my eyes for a brief second before they faded. It was hard to breathe and I choked on my breath as I struggled to steady myself, vision clouded with unshed tears.

“Fuck,” I breathed, still shaking. My bangs were stuck to my forehead with sweat and attempting to clear my throat forced me to cough. I gasped again, gripping the back of my desk chair in an attempt to relax.

_Breathe dammit…_

From the corner of my eye I noticed my phone sitting by my desk lamp. The world seemed to slow down, almost to a halt, as I thought about calling the real life version of the dead girl in my dream.

_She… she wouldn’t mind if I called… would she?_

Licking at my dry lips, I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat and picked up my phone, unlocking the screen and going through my contacts. I didn’t give myself a chance to second-guess myself, tapping Marcy’s name and calling her.

Hearing the dial tone felt like torture, each time it buzzed in my ear I felt my heart sink even lower.

“Pick up pick up pick up,” I repeated over and over, repeating those two words until I was breathless. The tones gave way to an answering machine, Marcy’s voice coming through as a recording.

_Shit…_

I sucked in a breath and tried again, almost passing out with relief when I heard the call go through.

“Hello?” Marcy’s drowsy voice asked. I instantly felt guilty for waking her up.

“Marcy?” I started, almost to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating.

“Jeanna?” she said, confusion in her voice.

“Y-Yeah, it’s me,” I said. I tried clearing my throat, catching my breath still not as easy as I’d have liked it to be.

“Are you okay?” she asked me.

“I-I’m not sure,” I said honestly, sniffling. I swore under my breath when I realized I was still crying. Inhaling deeply, I started, “M-Maybe it was just a dream. Or a nightmare. I don’t know what to call it. But… I-I’m freaking out. I needed to talk to someone, and it’s not like I have a whole lot of friends I could talk to, so I automatically called you and…”

“You’re rambling,” Marcy said, cutting me off.

 _Dammit_.

“S-Sorry.” I cleared my throat again, catching my breath still difficult. “A-and I’m sorry for waking you up, if I did. And…”

“It’s okay,” she reassured me. I licked at my lips. “Look, if you need to talk I’m here. Okay?”

Despite her comforting words it was hard for me to believe her. I felt like such a crappy friend, putting my issues on her. She had her own things to deal with.

Neither of us said much for a while. It was obvious that she was waiting for me to say something, seeing as it was my turn to speak. I cleared my throat, nervous still.

“I just…” I started. “I’m not sure…”

For whatever reason all words had escaped me. Every time I opened my mouth it felt as though I had a gag that was preventing me from saying anything whatsoever. I could feel my eyes start to water again and I palmed at my face furiously, hating myself.

“Hey,” she said, filling in the silence. “Do you need to meet up somewhere?”

_Need? Maybe. Want? Definitely._

“What about your folks?” I asked, her offer putting me at ease.

“They’re heavy sleepers,” she said almost automatically.

“You’re insane,” I said, glancing at the clock in my room. For whatever reason I found myself trying to back out of the offer before me. “And it’s after midnight.”

“So? If you really need to meet up, tell me where to go. I swear I’ll do it.”

I was taken aback by this, and started feeling even guiltier. “M-Marcy…”

“I’m already out of bed,” she said.

_Oh my god, she’s really going to do this. I’m really going to do this. Why the fuck are we doing this!?_

“Marce, seriously?”

Marcy’s voice lowered and I heard a squeak in the background, like a door opening. “Dead serious. Now tell me where I’m going.”

My eyes widened and I stared at the wall. “I, uh…” No clue. Not one, what the hell was I supposed to do with this? We were seriously going to go out in the middle of the night. It was fucking cold, but what if Marcy got hurt by some creeper?

That thought didn’t help ease any of the guilt I was already feeling from waking the girl up.

“I’m already out of my house, now tell me where I’m going,” her voice suddenly said.

“Th-there’s this diner on the eastern edge of Jinae that’s open late,” I blurted out, the first place I could remember coming to mind. “It’s probably a bit of a walk for you though…”

“It won’t be a problem,” Marcy said, trying to reassure me. She didn’t. “What’s the name of it? I know this town pretty well, so it won’t be hard to find.”

“I don’t actually know… It’s pretty easy to spot, and it’ll be the only place with lights.” Wow vague as fucking hell, I’m a genius.

“M’kay. It’s your turn to pay for food if we end up being there for a while.”

“Yeah yeah,” I mumbled. There was a short pause, allowing me to swallow again before speaking. “A-and Marce? Thanks…”

“Yeah, sure thing,” she said. I could hear the fucking smile in her voice, dammit. “I’ll talk to you when I get there. See you then, Jeanna.”

“Y-Yeah,” I stammered. “I’ll, uh… Yeah, I’ll see you there.”

She laughed lightly and said good-bye before hanging up. I set my phone back on my desk before hiding my face in my hands.

_Snap out of it. Get your jacket and shoes on, Marce already left her house._

_Yeah yeah yeah, I’m on it._

With a sigh I pulled myself together, getting clothed (to an extent) and checking to make sure that no one else was awake. My parents were notorious for their ability to stay asleep through anything, so I had confidence that I’d be okay trying to pull the old bike from the hall closet.

I got to the diner pretty quickly, thanks to the surprising lack of traffic and the use of the bike. I parked the thing just outside of the door, stepping in and welcoming the warm air. It smelled like french fry grease, which made me smile at the remembrance of happy memories at the chili fry place by the school.

Happy memories were just what I needed, no sarcasm implied whatsoever.

The diner had a bit of a retro feel to it, with 50s style decorations and pastels coloring the walls. All of the tables and booths were empty. In fact the whole place was practically empty, aside from the guy at the cash register.

“Can I help you?” the guy asked me. He was old and round. Voice a little hoarse, but he seemed nice enough.

“Uh yeah,” I said, feeling my pocket to make sure my wallet was still there. “Just a coffee and a hot chocolate, please.”

He nodded as he punched at the buttons on the register. “Three eighteen. Take a seat anywhere and I’ll bring it to you.”

I nodded back as I paid. “Thanks.” The guy hummed in response and went to get mugs.

As expected of me, I went to the booth in the corner. More happy memories, just to take the edge off of the remaining stress from the evenings previous events.

Marcy still wasn’t there nearly ten minutes later and I was starting to get antsy, the guilty feeling gnawing at me.

Luckily, the guilt was replaced with relief the moment I saw her green scarf. She entered the diner shivering and I couldn’t help myself. I ran to her, nearly tackling her in a hug as I wrapped my arms around her neck. She stumbled, but caught me. Her strong arms wrapped around my torso and I breathed her in.

Alive. She was alive. I’d talked to her on the phone, but here was the real proof I needed. Everything was okay.

Expect for the fact I accidentally said a couple of those things out loud…

“What do you mean?” she asked. “Of course I’m alive.”

_Damn it…_

I pulled back from her, feeling like such a complete idiot. “Y-Yeah, of course,” I echoed. I palmed at my face, feeling my eyes start to water and cursing myself for that. “Thanks, Marce. I got you a hot chocolate, since I know you don’t like coffee.”

“Thanks,” she said, smiling at me sweetly and those big brown eyes of hers shining with a gentleness to them I don’t think I could ever express.

We sat down and I couldn’t help but keep my eyes on her, making sure she stayed intact and that I wasn’t still dreaming.

“Are you okay?” she eventually asked, tone careful. “Like, you were freaking out on the phone.”

I let out a sigh and stared at the mug in my hands, the reflection in my black coffee looking back at me with the same tired expression. “I don’t know. I’ve been having these crazy dreams recently…”

_Should I tell her? I should tell her. But… does she want me to tell her?_

“Can I tell you about them?” I asked. “Like, you’ll probably think I’m insane…”

Marce let out a scoff that confused me. “I’m sure I can handle it,” she assured me. Like all the other times, it didn’t do much. Though I guess that because we were together again it reassured me a little bit.

Just a little. But that little was all I needed to set me off. I rambled about the nature of the dreams/nightmares. The world, the people, and shit like that.

I started choking when I got to the part about Marco, and how she ended up being the one in his place. There was no way in hell I was going into detail about that, so I gave her the bare minimum. It still was enough to set me off again.

“It was like I lost my best friend,” I said, thinking more out loud than telling the story. I looked up and saw the concern in her eyes and I kept rambling. “Like… you were gone. I didn’t think much of it before, but tonight…  i-it was worse. I couldn’t stop crying and fucking hell…” 

_Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry…._

I palmed at my face and swallowed, feeling that lump in my throat come back while my vision went cloudy again.

A weight beside me put me on alert and I stiffened as arms wrapped around my shoulders. It was Marcy, and I could feel her warmth through the jacket she was wearing. Hear her heartbeat and her breathing.

This was the reassurance I’d needed. Tangible proof that she was okay. My best friend… No, she’s more than that. She’s the person I’m closest to. The person I’d do anything for.

A bit more than a month is a strange period of time to be dealing with.  A lot can happen in that amount of time, but at the same time almost nothing. For me, this time it happened to be the former. Moving back to Trost, meeting Marcy, befriending Marcy, falling in love with Marcy… It was like a bad rom-com or some shit, but not a whole lot of rom or com at this point.

So maybe I couldn’t handle the dreams/nightmares completely on my own. But I hadn’t scared Marcy off. I felt safer more and more every time we were together. It was that safe feeling that warmed my heart and made me reluctant to return to my home.

But all good things must come to an end…

 

**-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-**

 

The reluctance that I’d felt that evening carried on into the following day. Thanksgiving was a day for business in this household. Nina would spend the entire day cooking enough food to feed all of the ungrateful guests that my parents were trying to sucker into making skewed deals.

I never felt whole during these evenings. It was an awkward experience. My parents used to use me as a totem; a little example of their “perfect family”. I don’t know if they knew the definition of perfect when they were going for that title, but whatever we were was anything but perfect.

Nina always appreciated the help, even though she’d never say it outright. At this point I knew enough about the process of making dinner to make the whole thing by myself, but even as a capable 16 year old she still limited me to simple things like cutting the vegetables and making the pies.

“I’m so sorry you have to be subjected to another one of these dinners, darling,” she said, sighing as she checked on the big-ass turkey.

My lips twitched up into something like a smile, but it wasn’t whole. “I’ll be okay,” I said, pushing up on the bridge of my glasses. I didn’t feel like bothering with contacts today. “I’ve only got a few more years of this shit anyways.”

“Language,” Nina warned. I rolled my eyes at this, earning me a smack upside the head. “Do you know what you want to do yet? You know, after the Academy?”

I tugged at my earlobe, staring down at the tile floor. “No…” I mumbled.

She turned and lifted a brow at this. “No?”

“Yeah, I know. I need a plan” I said, stepping to the island and slumping against a spot that didn’t have any food on it. “I’ll figure it out eventually…”

Nina sighed, stirring something in a pot. “Do you have any idea at least?”

“Some, I guess… I’d like to do art,” I confessed, pausing briefly to see her reaction. There was none. “I can’t really go for it though, there’s no way in hell my folks would support that.”

“I understand. But are you sure you can’t ask? You never know until you try…”

“They won’t do it, Nina!” I gave my lobe a couple more tugs, really only noticing when it started to hurt. “Th-They won’t. The don’t even speak to me about normal things, and yet they expect me to keep up this façade they’ve constructed. This stupid fantasy that we’re a normal family…”

“Sweet-pea,” Nina said, taking hold of my hands and trying to hold me steady. “I get that things are horrible. Trust me, I do. And sometimes I wish that things were different. But we can’t control everything. Sometimes you just have to put on a brave face and suck it up. Do you have to, as you’re told. But don’t let it change who you are. You know who you are, don’t you?”

I swallowed and met her gaze, hazel eyes meeting mine. “Yeah, I do.”

“Good. Who are you, sweet-pea?” she asked.

Odd question. “I’m me.”

“Yes, but who are you? What makes you who you are? Come on girl, you ramble all the time and now I’m giving you the opportunity to do so.”

I laughed lightly at this. “I… I’m me. I’m Jeanna Lynette Kirschtien. I hate school and Eren Jaeger but I like to be around Armin and the others. I like to draw, I do it whenever I can. I like to eat, and the place down the street of the Academy is the best place ever aside from your cooking…”

“Kiss-ass,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“Language,” I mocked. She smirked at me and shook her head. “What else is there about me?”

“Well let’s see. You can cook, you can sing, you hate asparagus and squash and cabbage. You enjoy piercing up your ears, and if you keep going I’m certain they’re gonna get so heavy they fall off.” This made me roll my eyes, but I still smiled. “You’re sarcastic and a bit of a pessimist. But you’re a good kid. You care about and love people. You act like you want nothing to do with anyone, but you really just want someone to stay with you. And I don’t blame you. Most people want that. You’re sixteen so you’ve still got some learning to do, but you’re doing just fine.”

Fine… Doing fine… In a sense that word was a little more accurate for the situation than I gave it credit for. I guess at this point I was fine. Things had gone as expected. I knew by now to not to get my hopes up, but it was still a little painful. So while yes, I was okay, there was also that lie. The lie where I reassured myself ‘things will be different’, and ‘maybe this time…’

_Yeah, I’m doing just fine…_

-

The background music my mom had put on was drowned out by the sound of idle conversation among the adults in our home. While everyone else was enjoying themselves, I stood by the side, tugging at the long sleeves of the black dress my mother made me wear.

A sigh fell from my lips as I stared at the wine glass in my hand, contemplating what to do with it. Did I want to get sloshed? Or did I want to pour it in the flower vase?

The red liquid in the glass swirled as I shifted it slightly, staying fixated on it.

_To drink or not to drink… that is the question._

_Ugh, now if only I had an answer._

The evening so far had gone off without too much of a hitch. Who was here, actually. Hitch Dreyse, the girl that I’d made out with at a party when we were both drunk off our asses. Her family had come to our area for the evening. She was hanging around a kid, Marlow I think’s his name, from another family.

When I looked up to see the two obviously flirting, it made me feel weird inside. She’d acted like nothing had happened. I don’t know what I’d wanted to happen. I never liked her as anything more than an acquaintance. But it hurt a little, that I was so easy to just ignore and push to the side when she was done with me.

_Found the answer…_

I brought the rim of the glass to my lips, drinking down the glass of alcoholic grape juice in just a couple swallows. It tasted like shit, I have no clue why people like that stuff.

_Why couldn’t my parents have served hard cider? Lemonade? Hell even shitty beer would taste better._

_There’s more alcohol in wine, so stop complaining. You’ll be numb soon enough._

Luckily for me, Nina had gone home to her own family, which meant there was no one to block me from getting another drink.

I wanted to feel numb. I wanted to drown out everything. I wanted to spite my parents. I wanted things to be normal, but such a foreign concept is beyond me. The fuck was normal? Was normal like what you see on TV? Was normal just a way of saying ‘boring’? Even if it was, was that such a bad thing? Would boring make things different? Would we be a family? Would Marcy and I still be friends if things were normal?

Fuck me.

I was over the excitement of the party. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I just wanted to be numb.

“Jeanna,” I eventually heard from behind me. I spun on my heel to find Jason standing in the doorway in a suit with a lame tie.

I groaned and grabbed another wine glass. “What do you want?”

“What are you doing in here?” he asked me. “And why the hell are you drinking?”

“They don’t care,” I snapped, downing the wine like a shot without a second thought. “It’s just for tonight anyways.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

More wine. “Why the hell do you care? Why the hell does anyone care?”

The nervousness in his gaze extended to the rest of his features. “Jeanna calm down. What the hell’s going on?”

“This whole thing is a train wreck,” I griped, getting in his face about it. “She’s over there acting like I don’t exist, and I don’t matter to them or you or anyone else for that matter!”

He reached out to me, hands on my shoulders so he could stop me from grabbing another drink. “Jeanna, chill. Just calm down. I came in here to say hi, but what the fuck?”

“No one cares,” I snapped again. I could feel my eyes start to well up with tears and I wanted to escape. I wanted to get out. Just get out…

“Cares about what?”

“Me! No one cares about me! I’m just some tool! My parents use me as a toy. They play with me, they act like everything’s okay. Nothing’s okay, none of this is fucking okay!”

Not okay.

“And fucking Hitch over there. She used me too, she took advantage of me and I fucking hate her! I don’t want her to be here, I don’t even like her but I still feel used!”

“Jeanna, relax,” Jason tried, looking me in the eyes and trying to get me to calm down.

Not fucking okay.

“No, I can’t relax.” This was it, all my frustration. Here it was, the Mt. St. Helens eruption that was just waiting for the right trigger to burst. “Because you’re just like the rest of them. You used me. You fucking _used_ me! All that time while I was at the academy, I wanted nothing more than to be able to leave the outside world to the outside. Let my issues stay outside the walls, and as long as I was in those walls I’d be okay. Everything could be okay.”

Breathe… try to fucking breathe!

“But _you,_ ” I growled, controlling myself impossible by now. “ _You_ were the one issue that got through. _You_ pissed me off day after day. I wanted you to fucking stop, just to leave me alone. And then I got back. You could’ve ended everything ages ago. Everything could have been settled, I could have moved on. But you fucking _lied_ to me!”

He was quiet. Jason just stared at me, as though I’d punched him in the gut. But he fucking deserved it.

He wasn’t worth my time.

None of this was worth my time.

It wasn’t okay.

“I’m going to my bedroom, tell my folks I got sick or something,” I mumbled, pushing past him. He still stayed quiet, letting me go.

The dress and shoes were pulled off and tossed across the room, the dumb pins holding my hair in a bun ripped out and the tights torn off. I removed all of my clothes, transitioning into my PJs and climbing into bed.

I wasn’t okay. I didn’t want any of this. I didn’t do anything to hurt anyone, except Jaeger and that was years ago. So why the fuck was my life like this? Why the fuck did I have to get stuck with nightmares? Why the fuck were my parents neglectful bastards? Why was I just someone else’s toy? What the hell did I do to deserve this bullshit?

_It doesn’t matter. None of that matters. Just go to sleep. Sleep…_

-

I woke up the next day feeling like shit and sick to my stomach. My head was pounding and I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to do anything but lie there, curled up in my comforter with my face buried in a pillow.

I just wanted to leave.

 

**-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-**

 

The rest of my time back “home” passed quickly, and for that I was grateful. I didn’t want to have to spend any more time than I had to there.

Nina was the one that took care of things. She helped me pack and was even the one that drove me back to the school. And when we got there I felt calmer.

“Stay safe sweet-pea,” she said when we pulled up. Her mouth pulled into a smile. “And I hope you get your girl.”

My face flushed when she said this. The only person aside from Armin (as far as I knew) that knew I had a crush on someone was Nina. She didn’t know who my mystery girl was, only that I was happy around her. For Nina I guess that was all that she cared about.

“I… I hope so too,” I admitted, muttering while I gave my ear a tug.

She laughed lightly at me, moving to give me a sideways hug. “Such a sweet child.”

I rolled my eyes at this, but smiled nonetheless. Hugging her back, she released me and popped open the trunk so I could get my suitcase. I got out and grabbed my things, closing the top.

“Take care Nina,” I said to her through an open window. “Drive safe.”

She nodded with a smile. “You take care as well, child. I’ll see you at Christmas.”

I nodded back, stepping away and waving good-bye to the car as it drove away.

 _Well, I’m back,_ I thought. _Let’s go home._

What I was met with in the lobby was not what I was expecting. A pile of what looked like Sasha, Marcy, and a very crushed Connie who was trapped beneath the two.

“Jesus Christ,” a weak voice choked out from under Marcy. “How much do you weigh?”

“Connie, you don’t ask something like that!” Sasha reprimanded, going to smack at his head. Connie let out a grunt as he tried pushing on Marcy’s back.

“Sasha get up! I’m turning your boyfriend into a pancake!” Marcy cried out.

The two turned on the freckle-face, insisting that they weren’t a couple. I scoffed at the sight.

“Okay, this is officially the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen,” I commented from where I stood. Marcy craned her neck back to see who’d spoken, and her face paled when she met my gaze. The kid shoved her roommate off and stumbled as she tried to get off of Connie, reaching out to pull him back on his feet.

“H-Hey,” she said, embarrassment in her tone.

_Damn it, stop being cute!_

“Hi,” I said, trying my damnedest to remain calm. I held onto the handle of my suitcase, needing a support of some kind. “So, what started that fail of a threesome?”

Her face flushed and she started stammering. “I-I…”

_Again with the cute…_

“It was Potato Girl’s fault,” Connie interjected, explaining the situation.  “She attacked Marce and I tried to catch them.”

“When will you get over the potato thing!?” Sasha whined loudly, smacking at Connie’s arm.

He laughed at her, blocking her hits. “Probably never.”

The two went at each other, play fighting while Connie laughed and I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on. I looked to Marcy to find she was looking back. I mouthed ‘potatoes?’ in an attempt to get some explanation.

Marcy grabbed the handle of her suitcase and stepped over to me, offering me a smile. “How was your break?” she asked as we started up the stairs.

“Not too bad,” I answered, lying. I’d hated almost every moment of it. “Thursday was awkward though.”

“How come?” she asked.

_Ugh…_

“My folks use Thanksgiving as a way of getting together with their business partners and crap like that, so the house gets really crowded. And, uh…” I didn’t remember a whole lot about Thanksgiving, to be honest. Aside from yelling at Jason while I was drunk. That part I remembered. “S-since our parents are still friends… shit, um… Jason was there…”

Somehow those big brown eyes of hers got bigger. “Are you okay?” she asked, tone concerned.

“Peachy,” I griped, rolling my eyes. "But I nearly punched him so I have no clue what to do about that.”

_Leave the past in the past…_

I was already starting up the third floor when Marcy tried getting my attention.

“Hey,” she said. “I’m going to put my bag away and then I’ll come to your room and you can rant about life all you want. M’kay?”

_Oh my god, you’re too nice to me._

“Yeah, okay,” I said, hoping I didn’t sound as flustered as I felt.

She gave me a smile and went off down the hall to her dorm. I lasted only a minute or so before I started getting antsy, my leg starting to bounce up and down as I sat down on the steps.  

“Are you sure you’re okay?” I heard her ask me.

_Heh, not really but it’s sweet of you to care. Don’t think you know how badly I’ve needed something like that._

I stood up, stretching as I grabbed my suitcase. “Yeah,” I sighed. I looked over at her and nodded up the stairs. “Come on.”

She nodded and followed me up the rest of the way to my dorm room. I unlocked and opened the door, breathing in the missed scent of my dorm room. As always Marce sat on my desk chair. I dropped my suitcase on my bed and sat down next to it, opening up the front and pulling out my laptop.

“Do you still remember my laptop password?” I asked her, handing the aforementioned device to her.

“I think so,” she said, taking it. She opened it up and typed in the combination of random numbers and letters I’d come up with. “Any websites you need pulled up?”

I thought for a moment, opening up the suitcase completely.  “Um… Pandora should be logged in already, so can you bring that up? I need to listen to different music.”

For the last couple days I’d been drowning in _Pierce the Veil_ and _Sleeping With Sirens._ Which I didn’t mind, honestly. But after a while I needed something different. Something I could sing along to easier.

Luckily for me Marce chose my Paramore station. ‘Fences’ started playing and I hummed along, enjoying the change of pace.

“You should probably clean this place up,” she commented. I glanced over my shoulder, noticing that she was messing with the dust on my desk.

“I’ll deal with that later,” I said, sorting my clothes on my bed. Neither of us said much and a commercial started playing.

And then Marcy spoke. “So was there any other reason why you wanted me to come with you to your place?” 

Her comment confused me. “What do you mean?”

She spun around on my desk chair. “Well, like… We’re hanging out but not doing much.”

I rolled my eyes at the dork and stood up, tossing a cami over my shoulder and stepping over to her. “Well what do you want to do?”

A familiar song started playing on my laptop and a massive grin stretched across her face. “Hehe, I have an idea.”

I lifted a brow and stiffened when she took hold of my hands, moving them back and forth. I was already humming and they dork was about to win.

“Come on,” she insisted, bending down so she could look up at me. Those big brown eyes were so persuasive. “Smile for me?”

_Agh, you little shit!_

I broke and started singing the song I knew by heart, Marcy trying to follow along with me.

“ _We are~ wild,_ ” I sang, smiling and close to laughing. “ _We are like young volcanoes._ ”

Marcy giggled at me. Fucking _giggled_ and it was the cutest fucking thing ever. I laughed along with her and she sang the next verse, slightly off key.

We kept at it for the rest of the song, and as it started winding down to the end I couldn’t stop staring at her. She was just so … not perfect, but something close to that. Beautiful, amazing.

_She’s just so pretty… and sweet…_

The dancing slowed to a stop and we stood there, holding each other’s gaze.

“Marcy?” I started, my mind and body starting to feel disconnected.

_I’m gonna do it._

“Yeah?” she said.

_I’m gonna do it!_

And so I did it. I closed my eyes, stood up on my toes, and kissed her right on the lips. To hell with the repercussions I might face. To hell with everyone else, I was going to be selfish.

For a moment it seemed like she was kissing me back, but when I pulled back her eyes were still closed and she started swaying.

“Marce?” I asked carefully.

The kid went out like a fucking light, falling to the floor before I had time to realize what had happened. I grabbed her arms to try and soften her blow, but her weight nearly pulled me down on top of her.

She… fainted. Was that a good sign? Or was it a bad one?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the original SnK anime Marco has a moment were he nearly passes out, so I figured it'd be okay to have a moment where Marcy flops as well. No worries, she's okay.  
> This chapter is short than the last, but longer than Marcy's POV by a lot. Over 2000 words a lot. You're welcome.  
> I currently don't have a whole lot to say right now, as it is very late in the evening and my hands are sore. 
> 
> As always feedback is appreciated, but not necessary. Please tell me if there are any mistakes, as the revising for the last half I did while half asleep. 
> 
> Other than that, I hope you guys enjoyed and I'll see you around for the next chapter.  
> Take care lovelies <3


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